I had an epiphany this week, and I was amazed when I stopped to think about it.
So often when I pray about my infertility, I ask God for every little thing that I want. A healthy baby, healthy me, healthy Rob, living together in God’s love and harmony, and us raising our healthy, smart, perfect baby to be a Christ-follower and to move with passion for the Kingdom of God. That’s almost word-for-word what I used to pray. Doesn’t seem like there’s anything wrong, right?
But my heart was in a weird place. A cozy and convenient place, but not one that God wanted me to stay in. Because I was praying this more out of fear that a baby would be less than perfect, than just wanting our family to live for and serve our Lord. (Aren’t I always the person boo-ing those who lament over having only one child when I have been waiting nearly 17 years and still do not have any?)
I was trying to, in my own way, tie God’s hands and make Him do just what I wanted him to do, nothing more or less. I want what I want, and that’s what I want! Except that isn’t what he wants for my life. He has a plan and what I need to do is follow after Him with all my might.
The Epiphany:
I am just one person, and I cannot begin to fathom the depth of God’s love for me. Or mankind. He is with me always, he would have sent Jesus to die even if I was the only person. My Big City has a population of 114,662 people, not counting suburbs. And God loves each one of them the same as he loves me. The population of my state is 10,003,422, and God loves each one of those people the exact same as he loves me (and you!).
God is with each one of us every day, every minute. He loves us dearly, and wants to commune with us. He wants us to get rid of our sin and believe in Jesus so that He can just wrap His mighty arms around us and LOVE us. God has love and has a plan for each person, whether or not they know him, whether or not they love Him, whether or not they are or will one day be saved. His desire is for each one of us to stop leaning on our own understanding, and instead lean on Him.
I was so overwhelmed that God is so close and so caring for each of the 6.783 billion people on Earth. I am overcome that he can and DOES care for me. And God has been working on my heart lately too. The other night I awoke to that God-whisper. The one that is inaudible, but is louder than a shout. He asked my heart if I would still trust Him if I have a child and every single thing is not perfect.
At first I wanted clarification. “What do you mean by that?” And then I quickly said, “I will. Not my will, Father, but yours.” And then I FREAKED OUT for a minute. I wondered what exactly He meant and what Rob and I would end up dealing with. I was scared. But He comforted me, saying, “There will be some heartache, but all will turn out fine.”
Something significant was playing at the back of my mind. Danny. That’s it! Kat and Dan from church. In 1993, their 14 year old son passed away. He had Cerebral Palsy, I believe. He knew only two words, and really couldn’t communicate his needs or feelings, or ANYTHING. And yet Kat and Dave loved him so dearly. Rob and I didn’t know Kat and Dan until 6 months ago, but you should see the glowing smiles on their faces when they talk about their son Danny. “Danny taught us so much about life,” and “Danny gave us so much joy in our hearts.” They never, EVER stop talking about how much they love Danny.
Then, for the first time in my 16 plus years of infertility, I gave everything over to God. Meaning that I will still love and trust him no matter if I have a miscarriage, a still birth, a baby with a severe deformation, or a 3 year old who gets sick and dies, or a teenager who drives drunk and kills someone. But those are really worst-case scenarios. And things in life have actually never turned out as badly or scarily as I think they sometimes will. It could just be that I have a kid who won’t ever behave, or who runs off in the grocery store, scaring me to pieces.
I gave up trying to “force” God’s hand to do something just because I wanted it that way. I left my sorrow and pain at the foot of the cross and walked away feeling invigorated, knowing that God is about to do something that is completely new in my life.
I am scared, but I know that He holds my hand. I am not worried, because He that created the world and who loves me dearly IS in control…..
I am thrilled that my life can show God’s glory, evem though I myself am a scum-bum.
TO GOD BE THE GLORY!!!