Wondrous Love

Something happened at work the other day which I didn’t understand until much later. Now I can hardly stop smiling over it all.

Dan comes into my work all the time. He’s nearly 70, gruff, but usually in a good mood and razzes us girls at the front counter. Dan is a tall guy and fairly big, and everyone calls out “Dan Smith!” when he walks into my Work. He is well-liked.

For the longest time when he came in, I thought he didn’t like me, so I didn’t talk with him at all. Finally I realized he just likes to pick on me a little, to see me smile. So now I give as much as I take. When he came in the other day and needed my help, he said he could have had this done at Wal-Mart for half the price. I told him that they weren’t as nice as us at Wal-Mart. He said, “oh this is YOUR version of nice…” and I said, “Well, at least we’re more HELPFUL than Wal-Mart.” Just a bit of good-natured give and take.

Dan went to the back for prescriptions, and talked with some of the girls back there. He came up to me and said, “Jayleigh, you’re a born-again Christian!?” It took me a moment to understand his question. I don’t believe I have ever been asked that at my work, and frankly, I didn’t have the vaguest clue if Dan was a Christian or not so I wasn’t understanding why he was asking. I almost asked him why he wanted to know, but I didn’t care why.

In a clear voice and looking him in the eyes and smiling, I said, “Yes, Dan. I am.” Dan said, “That’s GOOD news, Jayleigh. I am happy to know that.” I told him that I, too, am happy to know it! And I went about my day until a few hours later when I was talking with co-worker Joan.

I told her of the conversation and asked if she had told Dan about my hubby being a pastor. She said that she hadn’t. I talked with some of the girls in the back and nobody said anything to Dan about me at all. So then I began to wonder, and I think I know what happened:

Dan was asking if I was saved, and I believe if I was not saved, he would have witnessed to me. I am still getting goosebumps over this, because Dan showed me the love of Jesus by asking if I knew Him. Dan took a step out in faith and made sure of my eternal destiny.

I am floored, and at the same time ashamed of myself for not doing the same things. Sure I put in my time. I do the work, I build relationships, I am supportive, and I give the glory to God alone. But rarely have I ever had the umph to be so proactive about telling others of My Jesus and His love.

I’ll have to work on that, please help me God.

Mindy’s Open House

Mindy and her Cake, made by my Mom!

The party went well. Rob and I are exhausted. L spent the weekend with his former foster family. I also, for some reason, painted the bathroom over the weekend. Am I a nut, or what?

Dealing with Anger

I watched the movie Juno last night. I probably shouldn’t have.

See, the premise is about a pregnant teen who decides to give up her baby to adoptive parents. The adoptive parents have a marriage in shambles. The prospective dad leaves, the mom adopts the baby and all is well–except for the part which showed how sad the prospective parents were because of a previous failed adoption.

At midnight, I was crying hard and so ANGRY about things that have happened in the last 18 months. I asked Rob, “Did we deal with it? Did we mourn? I can’t even remember, and I had pushed it out of my mind so successfully, and now when my life is finally settling down, NOW IT’S COMING BACK TO ME?!?!?” Rob reminded me that we saw the handwriting on the wall and instinctively knew before we were told that we wouldn’t be a part of the baby’s life. Rob also reminded me that our hearts were protected at the time, and that it was much harder for us to let our friends and family down, rather than mourn the… not loss, just not addition… of our family.

The last 9 months of our lives have been consumed with the possibility of coming to The Big City, the inevitability of leaving our friends at the Middleton Church, keeping the news quiet, Christmas, goodbyes, New Year’s, new church, driving TONS, Stormy’s issues, Mindy’s issues, Stormy leaving, the move to the city, settling into city life in the parsonage, driving TONS, and now fostering L, who hates us because we’re white. OK maybe HATE is a strong word. Anyway he is certainly embarrassed to be seen with us.  My point is that my life is settling down and now I am back to dealing with serious emotions that have been on the back burner for some time now.

• I cried because I was frustrated. I KNOW in my head that I shouldn’t indulge in my anger at the situation, and that I should just trust in the Father who made me and who cannot go back on His own word.
• I cried because I WANT to believe that there’s a family out there for Rob and me, and I want to believe that God will fulfill His promise, but I don’t know that I’m there yet.
• I cried because it seems so cruel to have to wait for SIXTEEN years and still not have a child.
• I cried because I am ticked off that here I’ve been counseling other infertile women and saying that somewhere around 8 years, I was better able to deal with it. That’s not really true, since I have been wayyyyy emotional about my infertility lately.
• I cried because I want to be a mommy and I am not one.
• I cried because it’s so unfair that I personally know 6 or 7 women and girls who HATE being moms and who didn’t ask to be pregnant and do the least possible to get by taking care of their families. They will often comment, ” You want kids? Here, have mine!” I am sure they don’t know that it’s like taking a knife and eviscerating me.

I know that the Lord is my Shepherd. He gives me all my needs. He restores my soul.

I know that He can only speak Truth, so when he showed/told Rob about our son, I KNOW it will happen.

I know with absolute certainty that I wouldn’t put so much of myself out there for God’s children, if I had my own children. So perhaps His children shall be my children? idk

I only know that once I stopped being angry and upset at my Lord and my God, I felt such incredibly peace in my heart. I know it’s still a long journey and not likely to come about in the way that Rob or I imagine it will. But ALL IN GOD’S TIME.

Rose Colored Glasses

This song, Rose Colored Glasses, is one I remember from early childhood. It’s by John Conlee.

“These rose colored glasses that I’m looking through
show only the beauty and hide all the truth.”

I got my little heart broken today. Or yesterday, maybe both.

I guess I have one question to ask. Just one.

I won’t judge you if you won’t judge me, OK?

Here goes:

Are Rob and I the last people on this planet who don’t smoke mar.iju.an.a recreationally?

I want to know.  You may comment via the TALK TO ME link at the top of the page if you’re not comfortable with others’ seeing your words.

Thanks. I’m waiting for your reply.

VACATION!!!!! YEAH!

Just got home last night. I wrote this yesterday.

 

The best thing I can think of about this vacation is actually more than one thing.

The food. Garrett has cooked for us nonstop since we arrived. He’s not gourmet, but man is he ever close. WOW! Melon and chocolate the first night. Eggs, ham, cheese and potato hash yesterday morning. BBQ grilled chicken for lunch with dried cherries (of which I ate way way way too many and ended up with a sick tummy for the rest of the day), grilled ENORMOUS steaks last night, with asparagus and baked potato.

The atmosphere. This is a log cabin. I LOVE IT. And it’s In the middle of the woods. Again, I LOVE IT. I have not seen another house in the time we’ve been here, and believe me, we have looked. No road noise of any sort; just birds chirping their long, low, melancholy songs, and rain on the metal roof of the barn.

Reconnecting with God. I knew when we decided to come here that it was a retreat for my soul as well as my body. Garrett had confided in me a while back that their previous pastor had taken her vacations here and spent much time alone and studying. After breakfast yesterday, for about 4 hours, I sat on the porch swing and wrote in my leather journal that my family had given me. I wrote about mundane things such as what’s going on this week in my life, and also about two recent deaths that have impacted us greatly (one because it means Rob has to do a funeral, and we’re going home a day early from this glorious retreat because of it, and the other because she was my boss at my very first job at the Bridal Shop, and also a very close family friend). I wrote of a series of books I am reading by author Jeanette Oke, which are similar to the Little House on the Prairie books, in that they are set In the same time period and they are very strongly Christian books.  I share their exact same theology, and it’s one which is welcoming and loving. I love when our Savior’s love is proclaimed so, I guess, lovingly.

Also, when I had written my heart out for a while, I sat there and listened to God’s creation. I also read Psalms and prayed for a long while. I cried and cried because Rob had read Psalm 139 to me earlier in the morning, but now it was as though the Lord was telling my heart, “Jayleigh, even though you know that I know your heart and tell me that we’ll talk later, we never do. Understand that you need to take the time away from life to tell me your heart. That is for YOU, because I do know your heart without you telling me.” He knows my lying down and my rising up. If I make my bed in Sheol, He is there. The darkness of night is as light to Him.

It was one of the most moving moments of my entire life. I sat there under blankets (it was only 50 degrees) for FOUR glorious hours, communing with God and with His creation. My final prayers were that I would be filled “for the long haul” and remember to come to Him in prayer OFTEN, and not just when I was at my wits’ end. And also, that Stormy (fc 1) will be moved by the Lord to accept His true love and His healing into her life. (She wrote an email the day we left for vacation, cussing us out for WHO KNOWS WHY, calling us both some horrid names, swearing, and misusing the Lord’s name. I choose not to respond to her in writing, but in earnest prayer.

Riding Quads. You KNOW I am not really an adrenaline seeker. I like fun stuff, but not when I feel it may put me in danger. But somehow I had taken leave of my senses yesterday. Garrett really wanted us to have a fun time and either go fishing with him (he bought us licenses, no kidding!) or ride quads. Well he and Rob rode quads in the early afternoon and he was on my case to join them. I didn’t want to because I was a bit afraid that there would be many other people on the trails (I forgot that it was Sunday night and everyone had probably already gone home) and I didn’t want to put myself in danger.

We rode for over 2 hours. Me with a sick stomach before we even set out! The guys let me take the lead after a while and I don’t remember ever having had so much fun in my life! I was able to ride the huge Polaris one that feels practically like you’re riding in a car. I pushed the speed sometimes, so that later I could tell my brother (who loves to ride quads) that I was going over 50 at one point on the road. Rob and Garrett laughed when I told them that and said that the speedometer must be malfunctioning because I had gone over 50 at points ON THE TRAIL!!!!

All in all, this was lots of fun. I stopped riding so fast last evening when a deer ran out in front of me. I was alright, just  a bit startled.

We’re heading home in a few hours. I can’t wait to be there and see my puppies. L, I can live without but we found out why he never unpacked. Because his Case worker had promised that he would be livng alone as of June 1. And we all know what the date is today, so no wonder he’s a bit mad.

Anyhoo….

Now we’re in the car. In fact, we have been in the car for about 4 hours now, and it only takes about three hours’ travel time if you go the right way.  But this is Rob and me we’re talking about and we just can’t do anything the simple way. No, we must take the scenic route, along the coast of Lake Huron. In the rain. The lake black as midnight with roaring waves. How do we know the waves were roaring? It is because we attempted to walk along the beach, yes even in the rain. J We were looking along that whole section of coastline for a place my grandparents stayed every summer when I was a child. I think the last time I went there, even for the day, I was about 8 or 9. I hadn’t even been on that road since I was 17 years old. And here I am at age 36, trying to remember the party store on the one side and the cabin on the other side. Heheheh

We stopped at A&W drive in and had burgers, rootbeers  and a KIT KAT flurry. It was sooo good. Oh great. I just looked up from that last sentence to see Rob passing by the last rest area for 30 miles. Oh well. I think I shall live.

Homing Pigeons

THE LITTLE KIDS

 had a greatexperience this morning, stemming directly from my lateness and unpreparedness. I know, it sounds a bit weird. I set my timer so that I would get up from the computer and playing on Facebook, (btw bloggers pls don’t mention MY blog on FB. Real life peeps know nothing abt my blog… thx) and get showered and dressed and walk the dogs, eat breakfast, pick up the little kids and get to church on time. Yeah my Sunday mornings are a bit hectic… but you know, such is life in the Parsonage.

I need to be out of the house by 9:15, in case I need to make two trips for the little kids (depending on whether there are 2 or 7 from this home who want to come). When I was finished getting ready, not having walked the dogs and not having eaten breakfast, it was 9:22. I have NO IDEA where the time went. So I finished my morning chores, grabbed a protein bar, and my phone and ran out the door.

Hurrying, I called the church to let Rob know that I was going to be late. I had seen Duke on the front steps of the church when I rolled by, and 30 seconds later when I called, he was inside at the public phone. Weird. I told him to let Rodney know to go ahead and start the kids service without me and that I am sorry for being late. Then I just chilled and enjoyed my drive to the crummy neighborhood. My favorite is the sign that says “No HO  Zone”, warning prostitutes that they may not stand in front of this particular dwelling. I will have to take a picture sometime. It CRACKS me up.

I picked up the kids and they were arguing and chatting about everything and nothing. I turned up my Francesca Battistelli CD so I couldn’t hear their nagging and we rocked down the street in style, thumping with our music turned loud and the windows down. The kids laugh hysterically that it’s with their pastor’s wife that they thump through the neighborhood.

We got to the church and I had the kids pile out at the door and I went to park my car, narrowly missing this man in a black suit with a HUGE cross necklace on, riding his bicycle out of the parking lot. I’ll come back to him later.

JUMP AND SHOUT

The Sunday School opening between services is SO MUCH FUN. We do this song called “Jump and Shout” and it’s a British Import from a visiting pastor this church had a few years ago. It goes something like this:

Jump and Shout and praise the Lord, you gotta Jump and Shout and Praise the Lord, you gotta Jump and Shout and Praise the Lord. Jump and Shout or you won’t be heard. Wave your hands in the air. You gotta wave your hands in the air. You gotta wave your hands in the air. You gotta make some noise or you won’t be heard. Jump and Shout to the Lord of Lords.

It’s a cute song. Later, it says something like, “get down on your knees, pat the floor on either side, clap your hands in front, behind!” And later still, it says “pat your head and slap your thighs”… just super cute and my hubby stands up front with Rodney and jumps like the kids at a Rock Concert. Sweeeet.

Afterword, Corinna, 10, came up and said, “Jayleigh, I am afraid of that bad man who was here after the last service. I am not coming back if he is ever here again.” I told her he wasn’t coming back, but at that point, I had NO IDEA what she was talking about.

PENTECOST SUNDAY

OK so I grew up in the same kind of church where Rob preaches now. Except that it’s nothing like the highly formal, mostly un-fun, and eat-your-vegetables kind of church I have gone to for my whole life. Example: They decorated the sanctuary for Pentecost. The altar was more dressed up than at Christmas, and nearly as dressed up as Easter. EV-RY-THING was draped in red silk, or had red roses on it. (I keep thinking, how great is the love the father has lavished on us, that we should be called the Children of God! 1 John 3:1 So why not lavish His altar in His house with some finer every once in a while?)

Rob gave an amazing sermon, based heavily on one of the speeches we heard at Mindy’s graduation last Thursday. The speech talked about water being at 211 degrees and just being really hot water, but if it moves up just one degree, that it boils and makes steam enough to run engines and turbines, make electricity, and all kinds of awesome things. And that even when things seem to be going nowhere fast, that a change of just one degree on our part can bring about MASSIVE changes around us.

The Choir sang this awesome song called “Come Holy Spirit” and it was sooo cool. A pretty song yes, but the lyrics blew me away. (Click the song title for lyrics.) Oh! And we all wore red. Rob had on a grey suit, but with a red tie and red liturgical stole. He was quite striking, actually.

LUNCHING WITH HOMING PIGEONS

After church was all finished, there was a short meeting about a van that this nice family wants to give the church. There isn’t enough money to pay the bills right now, but we feel absolutely led to accept this van. The insurance is on with Rob’s and my personal policy because it was a MUCH BETTER rate, and because we wanted to have control over who would drive it and watch it when it wasn’t being used. Hopefully I won’t have to make two trips for the little kids anymore!

I had 4 of the kids, ages 6-12 with me today, and I just COULD NOT send them home without having had lunch. We served a meager breakfast this morning and I had $15 in my wallet, and I just wanted to treat them to Mc D’s Dollar Menu and the playground before sending them home.

You should have seen those babies’ eyes light up when I spread a blanket out on the ground and had a “picnic” with our Mc Donald’s fare. One girl said, “Miss Jayleigh, we haven’t been out to dinner in forever.” I wanted to laugh or cry, because Mc D’s, people! That’s hardly even food! (I still like it though; you know what I mean.)

HOMING PIGEONS GOING HOME

A few weeks ago after the Mother-Daughter Banquet, I was driving the little girls home and asked one of them, “LEFT, RIGHT, or STRAIGHT?” She asked, “What????” I wanted her to tell me which way to go at the intersection. I went through each of the 4 girls about 6 times and nearly always, they told me to turn the direction closer to their home. I told them they were being Homing Pigeons and they laughed. I wasn’t certain they would get my joke.

The following week, they wanted to play “that game” but I was tired and frustrated with the day, and told them I’d do it the next week, which was today. Words just cannot express the joy in my heart right now. One of the kids asked, “Miss Jayleigh, can we play ‘Homing Pigeons’?” I began to ask what she was talking about, and then it dawned on me that they named the game that my dad always played with my sibs and me as kids. They named my game because I called them homing pigeons!

The children took turns calling out directions. When they said to turn in a way that was closer to home, I’d cry out, “Homing Pigeon!” and everyone would roar with laughter and chide the navigator for sending us in the right directon. I think everyone got about 4 turns before I took matters into my own hands. We were on a busy road then, not in my neighborhood any longer. And then a thought occurred to me to show them a different neighborhood.

BRICK HOUSES

I asked if it was OK that I took them to the neighborhood of the community college. Nobody wanted to go home yet, and out little game had taken all of 15 minutes at this point. My dad had us navigating as kids, but it was my mom who took us through leafy neighborhoods with large lawns, pretty flowers and well-kept, amazing houses from days gone by: houses that still had hitching posts and stables in their city-backyards, houses with third stories and with single candle-lights in the windows, with archways and possible with secret passages.

The children don’t get out of their own neighborhood, except when I come to get them for church. We’re about 18 blocks away. It’s a whole other world, but to the untrained eye, or the child-like one, our neighborhoods might look a lot alike. The houses are all the same. Some yards are kept up and some are not. Their neighborhood has ladies stopped  on the sidewalk at regular intervals, mine does not (thank goodness!).

When we turned down the curvy, leafy, quiet street, the children came alive. “Look at the window in the top floor of that house!” “Ohhhh BRICK! I always like brick houses!” “Look at that pretty porch! Those flowers!” The exclamations came nonstop and they’d ask me to turn left or turn right, based on the house they wanted to see a bit closer. It was an exceptionally large, nice neighborhood, and we spent maybe 5 or 10 minutes in it, driving slowly.

Those 5 or 10 minutes, multiplied by many more times that I hope to spend with these little ones, will hopefully be enough to broaden their horizons, to give them some knowledge of the world outside their neighborhood, and ultimately to give them a choice in their own future. This I pray.

I didn’t know what I’d write when I sat down today. In fact, I began on Sunday and now it’s Thursday. I wanted it to be good before I finished. This is the whole reason I am here. I have ALWAYS wanted to help people. I didn’t know how, or I had plans that didn’t line up with God’s plans. It wasn’t until I followed after His lead, giving my life over to the Lord that things lined up for me. I am by NO MEANS done with my plans. But I’m getting an idea of what God’s plans entail for me, at least for now.

I love it here in this city. It’s depressed economically, but if you look for the good, there is PLENTY to be found. It’s easy to criticize, and difficult to find the good. LOOK FOR THE GOOD! You won’t be disappointed!

Mindy Graduating Today

For the longest time, I never believed I would be typing that headline, “Mindy Graduating Today.” Sure I have faith that God can do amazing things. I HAVE PROOF of that, just look at my last post! But with my dear niece, I just was never sure.

• Mindy and her boyfriend “live together” if you can call it that. They are homeless BY CHOICE because neither has a job to support themselves, and the wanted to “be together”. Each has a home to go home to, or about 10 places to stay WITHOUT the other, but they will not relent. And neither with their families.
• Two nights ago, Mindy’s entire household was carbon monoxide poisoned. Mindy spent the greater share of yesterday in the hospital getting IV fluids with some sort of meds, as well as vomiting from her upset stomach.
• “This is my family. It’s little and broken, but still good.” My good friend Liza has recently been telling me this about her family, and I realize it’s true about my own. — It’s a quote from Lilo and Stitch.

So those are the Mindy things on my mind. Now for the Luca things:

• Luca is 17, and will be 18 in August. He was trying to move back with a former foster home and we were more than happy to let him.
• Apparently he won’t be moving back in with the other foster home. They accepted another kid, and he’s devastated. Not that he will tell us about it. But he did talk a little more than normal last night.
• I can only stand just “this much” of watching his shows and listening to his music. He never leaves the living room, which is why I haven’t practiced piano all week long, and I have a lesson this morning. BLEH!
• Luca had Strawberry Shortcake for the very first time last night.
• Luca will not tell me what kinds of hair things he needs, so he’s got all kinds of fuzzy, squirrely hair. (Black hair) He is unhappy, but when I quiz him, all he does is look at me for a moment, then back to the TV. I’m wondering if I should just go to the Beauty Supply store and ask them what to do for him and just get the things, or what.

I’m frustrated. I’m disappointed. I’m putting in my time “eating my vegetables” as Rob and I call it. We felt called by God to have Luca in our home. And yet the three of us are miserable. I just don’t know.

The one saving grace is that Luca is close with a former foster family (not the one I mentioned a moment ago) and goes to see them several times per week. I was bummed that we have to keep driving him there, but it’s better than driving him to DHS from our former county. FIVE ROUND TRIPS to Luca’s family is less mileage than one round trip to DHS. Whoa.

OK so that’s what’s up with me. What’s up with you?

Blown Completely Away

Rob wrote this to me while he was away this weekend. I was blown away and I want to be a better wife because of the same reasons.

Saturday, May 16, 2009 3:20 PM

Dearest Jay,

I am reminded, as I have been apart from you for some 77 hours, that I can be fine when I am away from you, but I cannot be great or good.

I am sorry for the times that I have been:

· Slow to respond to your requests for my attention
· Slow to respond to requests for my action or assistance
· Too tired to spend time awake and interactive with you
· Too absorbed in the work of ministry to give you the attention that you deserve
· Too absorbed with the Internet things or television programs that I like to watch or do to give you the attention that you deserve

God has called me into this work of ministry in the local church and I cannot resist that call for fear of it burning in my bones. God has put his people in my heart and I cannot stop praying for them, teaching them, ministering with them, preaching to them, or caring from them, but that calling does not nor should it supersede the covenant relationship that I have with you in our marriage. The marriage that I must remind myself that God has helped us to rebuild into something strong and beautiful after the cares and temptations of the world had made it into something dirty and immoral and broken to pieces.

I wish to reaffirm with my words and my actions, my love and my caring for you. I wish to rededicate myself to giving you food from my heart rather than the crumbs that fall from the table.

I have a strong will, a strong mind, and a strong soul, but you are my heart and my passion. I can be fine without you, but I cannot be great or good without you.

Will you continue to be my bride and my wife, my partner and my helpmate?
Will you continue to be my friend, compatriot, and cohort?
Will you continue to be my confidant and lover?

This scripture from Ephesians 5:22-30 was laid on my heart and my mind this afternoon:

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, in order to make her holy by cleansing her with the washing of water by the word, so as to present the church to himself in splendor, without a spot or a wrinkle or anything of the kind – yes, so that she may be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as they do their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hates his own body, but nourishes it and tenderly cares for it, just as Christ does for the church, because we are members of his body.

You are a member of my body, no less than my good left arm is a part of my body. I am crying real tears as I type this because I feel convicted that I have not loved, and nourished and cared for you, as I should have since we have made the transition to the Big City for service in full time ministry.

I wish to celebrate our life together in the Big City, in ministry, as pastor and laywoman, and more importantly as husband and wife, TOGETHER. Not struggling through the challenges that we face as separate rulers of our own domains, but as partners in love and in Christ.

I feel responsible, that you would not have to be so strong and so hard in your words and actions, if I nurtured, and cherished, washed and nourished your whole being and truly treated you as my own body.

In my eyes and in my heart you truly are beautiful and glorious, pure and splendid without blemish, wrinkle, or spot.

Please forgive me for my shortcomings and shortfalls as your husband.
After 16 plus years of marriage, thank you for being my lovely bride and my loving wife.

With all of the love in my heart, the cup that God fills to overflowing,
Rob

The Prodigal Pup

OK so Rob was supposed to leave at 7 this morning for a Pastor’s Conference about 2 hours away. Here it is, nearly 10 AM and he’s still not gone. WHY?

Because of this:

The Prodigal Pup

We are thanking God this morning that Tutanka was found only 45 minutes after he left home — with his hobo stick. He was nearly a mile away, and had probably relieved himself on every.single.blade. of grass between here and the closest fast food restaurant.

A dear angel, ANGELA, found him and called us and stood in the middle of the street with him until we came. She called our phone number 4 times–who knows why it only went through on the last time–and we made contact.

She tried to give him a treat and some water, but he was having none of it.

When we got home, ol’ Tonky-boy was as bright eyed and bushy tailed as they come. Rob and I were mad for a minute, and then just downright thankful that someone was kind enough to call us to return the Prodigal Pup.

Coworker Joan

My friend who’s been in the hospital came home on Sunday night, but she is not all better. It’s funny because I was not stressed and basically OK when she was in the hospital, but now that she’s out and has 6 weeks of blood thinners until they shock her heart, then I freaked out and lost it.

I hugged her so hard when I saw her today that I think I almost choked her. I love her so dearly. I know that I wouldn’t have come back to the Lord when I did if it wasn’t for her ministering to me EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. at work.

I am thanking God for the miracle He is providing her, because I asked it in faith. In the name of Jesus, Amen.

Puts a smile on my face…

http://writenow.wordpress.com/2009/05/07/helen-i-found-us-a-house-for-one-dollar/

This is THE MOST FUNNY post I have seen in a very long time. Come along to my friend’s blog and join in on the fun.

My Best Pal Joan

For the past 4 days, my best work-friend Joan has not been feeling well. Joan and I are such a pair.We finish each other’s sentences, we make inside jokes constantly, and we generally work very hard and also goof off a bunch.

Today when I got to work, Joan was lamenting her medical bills and said she felt as though she needed to see a doctor, but didn’t want to owe more money. I urged her to call her doctor, and didn’t let up until she called him. She INSISTED on staying at work until it was time to go home, even though another coworker and I practically had tantrums at her, trying to make her leave and go to the doctor’s office.

A little over an hour ago, my boss Kitty called to let me know that Joan has been admitted to the hospital with the top of her heart in arrhythmia. Joan is over 50 and going through menopause and in near-dire financial straights. But Joan is a very strong Christian, without whom I wouldn’t have come back to the Lord when I did. Joan is a very active and strong person, too. And I am so thankful that God urged her to go to the clinic.

I am thanking God for Joan’s friendship.

I am praising Him for giving us prayer as a way to become closer to him, and also to ask for and THANK HIM for the healing he is providing for my dear friend.

I am a little peeved at having to work tomorrow, but it was Joan’s shift and I am thrilled that she is getting the medical care she needs, rather than trying to be a big ol’ brute and just muscle through it all.

God, thank you for placing Joan in my life. I thank you for healing her. Your word says that you hear the prayers of the righteous. I’m not perfect, but I am trying and I love you. What else matters? In Jesus’ name, Amen.

It Serves me right…

I was gone for so long, and it serves me right that nobody’s commented on the last post. Even though it’s the best song in FOREVER.

So I was just chatting with my young blog-friend and I told her I was hiding out from blogging right now because I am in a holding pattern in my life and I KNOW IT and I’m afraid that someone will say something to yank me back to reality.

Now I’m waiting.

• Waiting for God to show me that he’s fulfilled the promise he made to Rob and me about a family of our own (whatever that means).
• Waiting to go to work in an hour.
• Waiting to hear about niece Mindy, who went to the ER with her grandma because MINDY’s back was injured at prom.
• Waiting to become a better person and not just ignore someone because they are a HUGE pain, but alas they are members of our church and our neighbors.
• Waiting to be able to find a different job so that I don’t have a 30 minute drive each way every single day.
• Waiting for my folks to stop being silly about whether or not the come here or we go there to visit.
• Waiting for my brother to have time to EVER come and see my new house, or at least be there when I go to his.
• Waiting for someone to listen to my Francesca Battistelli song and tell me that it changed their heart like it did mine.
• Waiting for someone to slap me back into reality.

OK I’m done. Off my soapbox.

So Many Ways….

This is my new theme song… Time In Between, by Francesca Battistelli.

Clicky the link, and listen. It’s beautiful. The second verse says

Don’t take much for this crazy world
To rob me of my peace
And the enemy of my soul
Says You’re holding out on me
So I stand here lifting empty hands
For you to fill me up again

The first time I heard that song, I fell down against  the wall and cried my eyes out of my head. I kept thinking, “How does this person know that I keep feeling like I’ve been abandoned, or that God is holding out on me?”

I wonder why it is that I am having a resurgence of BABY FEVER after years of being mostly OK with it all. Niece Mindy being just days away from graduation, and having gone to Prom last weekend doesn’t help. I always, always knew that we’d have her graduated before we ever got a child of our own.

Upon reflection, I haven’t been blogging lately because I alternate between being a major downer, and being PLEASED AS PUNCH that I am in this Big City, in this neighborhood, in this church. I can’t believe I was so afraid of being here. I LOVE IT.

And yet I haven’t once gone to the store alone. Except for the day we moved. The stores are so huge here. Really, really huge. I don’t know. I guess we’re a bit spoiled because we live so close that we can go WHILE dinner’s being fixed.

I am a bit ambivalent about things. I HATED yardwork at our old home. I love this bit of postage-stamp sized lawn that Rob mows on a whim, in 20 minutes. I want to be rid of our old home. They are smokers and blehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! P. U.

So the bridge of the aforementioned song is

So many ways
Your love has saved the day
And I’m grateful for them all

It’s so true. God is my ever-single-thing. I love Him so. And without Him, I would be nothing. So on my way to work this morning, I prayed a little differently than normal. I said that I know, because He promised, that I will have a son. I don’t know how or where or when this will all happen, just that I AM POSITIVE that it will happen. BECAUSE HE SAID SO. That’s all I’ve got to go on, but He’s never lied or let me down and will not.

So when the enemy of my soul says God is holding out on me, I know that it’s a lie, and that my family will be here very soon.