My Little Kids

These are my sweet "little kids" who are moving all too soon.

 

 My girls are moving to Ohio. They have been saying it for months and months, but I guess I didn’t really believe it would really happen, since the date has come and gone a few times and they are still here.

I don’t even know what to say. I am sad. I worry for them. I wonder if I will ever see them again. I pray that the Lord will always guard and guide them. I’m sure there’s more on my heart, but I am too flustered and frustrated to pinpoint it at the moment.

Dear Girls,

Rob and I love you. You three have brought great joy into our hearts since we have come to this City. You girls help me to have fun in spite of my best laid plans. God sent you into my life as a gift. Now I have to do these things on my own.

Always your friend,

Jayleigh

What You Don’t Know

Joie,

You never listen to me. When you do listen, it’s carefully and so you can find a chink in my “logic” and tell me in 20 ways why I am more wrong than any person who has ever lived.

You calmly told me just now how I made you feel so badly. Well YOU took it badly. 

I love you, Joie. You are nothing other than perfection to me. I strive to be as funny, as cute, as “with it” and you accuse me FIFTY times in a single night of never standing up for you.

I utterly reject your position of the victim in tonight’s conversations. You are a strong and smart woman. I want to be your sister and your friend. But I will not be bullied into agreeing something which is not true: your assertion that I have said and done things to make you feel bad today.

I am sorry that I lost it and hung up the phone.

We’re letting the evil one win if we keep fighting.

I LOVE YOU.

Jay

Year of Jubilee

I am thinking of and listening to this song while I am writing this post. My God and my saviour are THE ONLY way I am getting through these hectic days.

BEHOLD HE COMES. RIDING ON THE CLOUDS. SHINING LIKE THE SUN. AT THE TRUMPET CALL. LIFT YOUR VOICE. IT’S THE YEAR OF JUBILEE. AND OUT OF ZION’S HILLS SALVATION COMES.

Do you know what it means to be in the year of jubliee? I wouldn’t, except that I once read straight through Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers and Deuteronomy. I have a Jewish friend and I wanted to understand the basis of their religion.

From Wikipedia: The year of Jubilee in both the Jewish and Christian traditions is a time of joy, the year of remission or universal pardon. In Mosaic law, each fiftieth year was to be celebrated as a jubilee year, and that at this season every household should recover its absent members, the land return to its former owners, the Hebrew slaves be set free, and debts be remitted (see Jubilee (Biblical)).

Slaves set free. The land returned to it’s former owners. Debts remitted.

The thought makes my head swirl. Can you imagine if the world really worked that way? If the captives and slaves were set free, all debt was erased. The land was returned to it’s former owners? Imagine it. The whole world full of prodigals would come HOME and be welcomed, and be forgiven.

As humans we are slaves to sin. We let other gods into our lives and lose sight of the One True and Living God, our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.

This week, my very dear friend Amelia’s husband Stan overdosed on a medication and had a very close call because of the reaction of another medication, both of which he was prescribed by the same doctor. My heart was torn out when I learned of all this.

My fervent prayer is that THIS will be the year of jubilee for Amelia and Stan. May the Lord bless and keep them through this time of coming back to Him.

Amen.

 

Redheads’ Anthem

This is my current favorite song by Natasha Beddingfield. And it should be required listening for teen girls.

The Things I Would Tell You – Part 1

Hello You. How are you? You’ve been on my mind so much lately. It hasn’t been so long since seeing each other, but we couldn’t talk then. We really don’t talk about “real” things anymore, though, do we? It’s not so much that I long for the closeness we once had, because that is gone, and I just don’t really believe that men and women with as much zeal and passion in their hearts like you and I have,  should be so close once they are married to others. I do love your wife and children. The four of you help to make my life very happy.

I am actually afraid of writing this, because I know you sometimes come here and sometimes read what I have to say, though I know you don’t comment to me here or in real life. My insides threaten to burn up inside of me if I don’t get this out. So here goes…

You’ve told so many stories about your childhood. Sometimes it’s easy for me to think that it must have been nice doing this or doing that which you’ve talked about, but at other times I am horrified by what you’ve had to go through. It seems like at times a very lonely existence indeed, and a weird situation to be more grown than your parents, even as a kid.

You sometimes seem ashamed of your parents, or at least put out by them. I know the feeling. Deep down my parents are really good people, but sometimes I shake my head and wonder. There again, my mom and dad may have sheltered us a little, but yours seem really to overstep bounds much of the time.

No matter what our parents did or didn’t do, there is One who loves us  unconditionally, who is there for us always, and who will never ever let you down. I just don’t know what I would do in my life without God, who gives peace in the middle of chaos, and for Jesus, who died so that I might live. The reality of my Lord and my God is staggering to me, so much that at times I am completely blown away by the awesomeness of the Gift of Life they give. Not just peace in my heart here and now, but eternal life forevermore.

I had to say this today, because the time is drawing near that I may be called on to lay it all out on the line and tell you. I need to have an answer ready so that if you give me the green light to speak my mind, or if God does, then I will be ready to go. I can do nothing except through the awesome power of my God.

I know that you are horrified to think that Rob or I have ever done anything truly bad. You would be suprised, and saddened to know that we reveled in badness for a few years, giving ourselves over to many kinds of bad deeds, and wrong thinking. Our lives used to be so chaotic and frustrating, full of discord on every possible front.

Didn’t you notice when things changed for us? When we took God at His word and accepted Jesus into our hearts and lives FOR REAL? For the two of us, it was like a light switched on in our lives. I cannot even think of going back to the way things used to be.

I want this kind of love for you. This kind of passion. THIS PEACE.

These are the things I would tell you. If you’d let me.

I love you, Friend.

Jayleigh

Big Love

These are my sweet “little kids” who are moving all too soon.

I’ll add caps later, but for now, enjoy these.

The jammies were given to me by a man who took us to his cabin earlier in the summer. He’s a very nice guy and I couldn’t stay warm enough because SUMMER and who’d have thought it would be 50 up north? Sheesh! So he tosses them to me on Sunday and I fairly screamed and gave him a big hug. Now Rob wants to know why he didn’t give him some and I told him because he wouldn’t have screamed and given the man a big hug. I am sooo toasty.

We have “LOVE” blankets here in this house. The one my mom made for my new living room is the Mama Love BLanket. The one that Hazel made before we left Middleton Church is the Hazel Love blanket. And the one (not pictured) that I made Rob for Christmas a few years ago is the Jayleigh Love blanket. Blankets and snugglies symbolize love to me. I am particularly blessed.

The other pic is my little girls from church walking from my house to the church for a birthday party on Sunday, last. These girls make my heart sing and they asked repeatedly if I would allow them to come over for lunch. They wrapped the gifts while I made dinner. We all watched Chowder on TV and ate our dinner and then went to the baby’s first birthday party. Had a great time, and realized my life is full of

Time for New Beginnings

Our 18 year old foster son has moved on and now is the time for a new beginning.

Dear Mrs. Oke

Dear Mrs. Oke,

Bless you, bless you dear lady for sharing your fantastic works of writing with the world! I am thrilled and amazed that I found your books, and especially at this time in my life.

My name is Jayleigh. I am 36 years old, and live with my husband in the parsonage of the church where he’s been the pastor since January this year. We have been married nearly 17 years, have no children of our own, and have been foster parents to two teenagers.

I have read many of your books, but my favorite thus far were the 3rd and 4th from the Canadian West series. I see so many parallels between Elizabeth’s life and mine that it’s almost as though you were writing about me! I was afraid to move to the city, but did so in order to be with my husband. Now I love it here and cannot imagine leaving to go back to the country and it’s laid back life. We don’t have children and it’s sometimes a huge struggle, but we do fill our life with kids from the church and our foster kids.

The Lord has changed me in so many ways, or really just reminded me of the path he’s already put me on, since reading 16 of your books in the last 4 months. I am so thrilled that I can read fiction and not be assaulted with inappropriate themes. I am even more thrilled that I have used some of your character’s lines to talk about our Lord with friends and acquaintences of mine.

I know that God led me to that shelf in the library on that day when I so desperately needed someone who knows and understands what it’s like to be different than others. I really liked Josh Jones… especially his dog and great granddad and had a lovely time reading about him in May.

June, July and August were spent with the Davis clan in Love Comes Softly. I especially loved Belinda and her nieces and their relationships, bickering, and love.

This month I have literally burned through the Canadian West series, and being taken along with Elizabeth on her journey into the wild Northland. How thrilled I was when she and Wynn first kissed, and when he asked her to marry him! I was filled with glee when Elizabeth went berry-picking with the young ladies, and when Wynn gave her the pair of moccassins, and when she got Kip as a pet! Elizabeth’s garden, the excitement when Nimmie and Ian came back from being “out” and the sadness of leaving Beaver River, the horror of being “taboo” at Smoke Lake, and the fire… and how she helped save everyone, and also got the Chief to do as she asked….

It was just… simply… fantastic.

Not to mention the sorrow of Elizabeth and Wynn not being able to have a baby, and having the girl, and then Samuel taken away as they were. I was so proud (and I have been there!) of Elizabeth for not going to the Witch Doctor to become pregnant, and especially for giving back the Cheif’s young son, even when it truly WAS the thing in life she wanted so desperately.

I feel such a kinship with you, Mrs. Oke, and with your characters.

Forever Grateful,

Jayleigh, Big City, Michigan

This is a Call Out

 

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Place: Living Room in the Big City

Mood: Angrier at Office Word than anything, but searching and a little blue

 

Dear Father God,

Why is everything so hard sometimes?  Why does it seem like “everyone else” has an easier time in life than I do? My heart is crying out. Come and save me, please.

(Thank you for making me smile right now. Rob just belted out a song “I know that Jesus Saves” and it’s making me giggle.)

I have enjoyed spending time with you lately. Reading Your precious Word and talking with you in prayer makes me feel peace where otherwise there is very little in my life. There is so much busyness and I crave stillness and silence. I haven’t been able to sit down and write in ages and I don’t even know why.

Some things are tearing at my heart for attention, and I cannot bring myself to talking about them with Facebook Friends (who are mostly real-life friends). My whole reason for blogging was to get away from the real or perceived judgment from people in my life, and I have been concentrating on not having a breakdown and telling all my secrets lately. Here are the biggies that are driving me nuts:

-              Logan came with his other Foster Mom to get his things the other day. He is over 18 and has been staying with another family for 3 weeks and the System acted like they knew none of it, which is not at all true. We don’t know if or when we will ever see Logan again and I said goodbye in a note, because I knew I wouldn’t be here when it came time for him to leave. I guess I feel a bit guilty over that.

-              Our niece, Mindy has gotten into a situation that makes me really worry for her health and safety. Basically, her boyfriend Tony roughed her up and kicked her out of the tent they have been living in all summer long. Neither one has a job, and I know that Tony is a sometimes drug dealer. I also know that Tony does hard drugs at times. Mindy moved into my Big City after the incident, then moved in Next Door to Tony a few days later. Mindy is almost 19 years old and she knows how Rob and I feel about things, because she lived with us for so long. There’s no way she doesn’t know. So now’s time for tough love, right? Or not?  See I’d like to be all tough and say that they’re written off until I see something better out of them, but is that what You want me to do?

-              My mom and her (lack of) memory. She’s only 61.

-              Rob’s (mild) health issues. Hypothyroid.

-              My infertility, and weight and other issues. No ovulation means no pregnancies. Plus I am getting older and I’m still not in optimal condition and my feet and legs are always hurting because I am so heavy.

-              Foster Care placements (or for now, the lack thereof).

-              Not having time to do painting or clear out weed-beds or trim back the roses.

-              Piano lessons. I so love being able to play, but the lessons, though only ½ hour, still take up plenty of time with practice and a hulking piano in my living room. I feel stuck, because I don’t want this piano if I am not taking lessons. And yet I watched them move the piano into my home and I shudder to think about it being moved again, lest it’s removed with the aid of a chainsaw.

-              I love this home, but it isn’t quite home yet. I don’t know what’s lacking, but I just am not feeling it.

-              I want to scream when I look out my window  and ten feet away is the next house.

Now it’s time for me to get ready for church. My heart feels somewhat lighter now. But I know more than ever that I need You, Father God. Who else listens to my pitiful cries? Who else could I turn to? You are always there for me and I love you.

(The song was added just as I was finishing up. You do that to me all the time, God, and I LOVE IT. Thank you.)

God is So Big – I am so small

I had an epiphany this week, and I was amazed when I stopped to think about it.

So often when I pray about my infertility, I ask God for every little thing that I want. A healthy baby, healthy me, healthy Rob, living together in God’s love and harmony, and us raising our healthy, smart, perfect baby to be a Christ-follower and to move with passion for the Kingdom of God. That’s almost word-for-word what I used to pray. Doesn’t seem like there’s anything wrong, right?

But my heart was in a weird place. A cozy and convenient place, but not one that God wanted me to stay in. Because I was praying this more out of fear that a baby would be less than perfect, than just wanting our family to live for and serve our Lord. (Aren’t I always the person boo-ing those who lament over having only one child when I have been waiting nearly 17 years and still do not have any?)

I was trying to, in my own way, tie God’s hands and make Him do just what I wanted him to do, nothing more or less. I want what I want, and that’s what I want! Except that isn’t what he wants for my life. He has a plan and what I need to do is follow after Him with all my might.

The Epiphany:

I am just one person, and I cannot begin to fathom the depth of God’s love for me. Or mankind. He is with me always, he would have sent Jesus to die even if I was the only person. My Big City has a population of 114,662 people, not counting suburbs. And God loves each one of them the same as he loves me. The population of my state is 10,003,422, and God loves each one of those people the exact same as he loves me (and you!).

God is with each one of us every day, every minute. He loves us dearly, and wants to commune with us. He wants us to get rid of our sin and believe in Jesus so that He can just wrap His mighty arms around us and LOVE us. God has love and has a plan for each person, whether or not they know him, whether or not they love Him, whether or not they are or will one day be saved. His desire is for each one of us to stop leaning on our own understanding, and instead lean on Him.

I was so overwhelmed that God is so close and so caring for each of the 6.783 billion people on Earth. I am overcome that he can and DOES care for me. And God has been working on my heart lately too. The other night I awoke to that God-whisper. The one that is inaudible, but is louder than a shout. He asked my heart if I would still trust Him if I have a child and every single thing is not perfect.

At first I wanted clarification. “What do you mean by that?” And then I quickly said, “I will. Not my will, Father, but yours.” And then I FREAKED OUT for a minute. I wondered what exactly He meant and what Rob and I would end up dealing with. I was scared. But He comforted me, saying, “There will be some heartache, but all will turn out fine.”

Something significant was playing at the back of my mind. Danny. That’s it!  Kat and Dan from church. In 1993, their 14 year old son passed away. He had Cerebral Palsy, I believe. He knew only two words, and really couldn’t communicate his needs or feelings, or ANYTHING. And yet Kat and Dave loved him so dearly. Rob and I didn’t know Kat and Dan until 6 months ago, but you should see the glowing smiles on their faces when they talk about their son Danny. “Danny taught us so much about life,” and “Danny gave us so much joy in our hearts.” They never, EVER stop talking about how much they love Danny.

Then, for the first time in my 16 plus years of infertility, I gave everything over to God. Meaning that I will still love and trust him no matter if I have a miscarriage, a still birth, a baby with a severe deformation, or a 3 year old who gets sick and dies, or a teenager who drives drunk and kills someone. But those are really worst-case scenarios. And things in life have actually never turned out as badly or scarily as I think they sometimes will. It could just be that I have a kid who won’t ever behave, or who runs off in the grocery store, scaring me to pieces.

I gave up trying to “force” God’s hand to do something just because I wanted it that way. I left my sorrow and pain at the foot of the cross and walked away feeling invigorated, knowing that God is about to do something that is completely new in my life.

I am scared, but I know that He holds my hand. I am not worried, because He that created the world and who loves me dearly IS in control…..

I am thrilled that my life can show God’s glory, evem though I myself am a scum-bum.

TO GOD BE THE GLORY!!!

Not Sure Now

Logan is still “with us” in the sense that he’s listed in our home as far as the state knows. But he’s staying with his  former/next family as I type this, and he’s been there since last week.

I woke up very sad this morning and I still can’t quite figure out why. I think it’s partially bringing up bad feelings from when Stormy left, with Logan leaving soon. And then there’s a blog friend who had to let her small twin (fk’s I think) go to their relatives. Rob and I are still planning to change our license to 0-10 years old, and it makes me cringe to know thaat one day they will be ours and another day they will be someone else’s.

And I did something stupid yesterday. I SPRINTED. I was playing with my doggy and sort of showing off for my friends (how juvenlie!!!) and I ran for too hard and too long and since then my heart has been pounding. But like, there’s zero stress in my life, too. So who knows. I just don’t.

 

**updated** 

Feeling better since I stopped drinking pop which makes me gassy, consuming dairy without benefit of Lact.aid, and stopped SPRINTING.

So Long, Logan…

Tomorrow is our last day as foster parents to Invisi-Logan. While Rob was at school for two weeks, Logan requested to be permanently placed with his former family. We’re not really positive, but think the reason they want Logan in care even though he’s over 18 is because he is not yet finished with school.

Monday this week was pretty hectic at work. A coworker said to me, “I know you’ll be relieved when Logan is gone because you hate him so much.”

I stated calmly, but emphatically that I DO NOT HATE Logan… it’s just that he doesn’t talk much, and therefore it’s hard to trust him. I wanted us to be a family, an obviously, he didn’t care. Still I am writing the following note that I will put outside his door in the morning:

Dear Logan,

We hope that there are nothing but bright days ahead in your life. I will miss your living with us, but your happiness is what ultimately brings us joy. God bless you now and always. Please call if you ever need anything.   –Jayleigh

I think the note is above reproach, and to the point. Is there something else I should say?

Logan won’t officially be gone from our home for two weeks, according to paperwork. But his family is going on vacation and wants him to go as well. So his last day MIGHT be tomorrow. And it might not be.

One Year Later…

It was one year ago last Saturday that Rob and I first laid eyes on our church here in the Big City. I can hardly believe that one year ago I was writing in my journal from my picnic table in my front yard, underneath a tree, with no houses in sight. I don’t know if I will ever get used to people being all up in each others’ business and yards. ijdk…

But it really has been a lot better than I thought it’d be. The people are mostly nice to us at the church. People mostly don’t smoke pot in their front yards, or let their flea-ridden dogs snuggle your flea-free dog. People really don’t drive crazy in the neighborhood, or steal my lawn ornaments. So it’s pretty good.

I left on Saturday morning (against dr’s orders to take better care of my bulging disk) to visit Rob in Ohio. He’s  at seminary, this being the last of two solid weeks of study. I miss him so, which is why I packed up myself and the dog and went to Ohio this weekend. It was great to see him, but I couldn’t get settled down at bedtime. We both grabbed for each other’s hand and said, “Let’s pray,” at the same time, and we both felt better afterward.

Since it’s Pastor School, they have their own little service in a common room on Sunday morning. We were told it was at 11:00 and while I didn’t really want to go, while we were praying, God laid it on my heart that Rob and I should attend. “OK God,  you’re the boss of me,” I said with a light heart.

Sunday morning comes and we awoke early. The bed there is HORRIBLE. We ate and Rob walked the dog and then we piddled around until time to go to church. We left with several minutes to spare, but we were slightly horrified that there was singing coming from the common room before we could see anyone’s faces or understand how late we were. I was shocked, because my phone is a bit fast and it said we had 6 minutes before 11:00.

Then I realized they were singing a song usually reserved for the end of the service. We walked in and greeted people and realized the service had just finished when Jerry, who’d told us the service time the night before, asked everyone to come back together and join hands with Rob and me. He told them how he’d told us the wrong time and how he wanted us to be a part of their morning worship, so please would we pray with them.

A man took charge and told Rob that he needed to get in the middle so they could lay hands on him and pray for him. I was very happy with this, because Rob is a bit out of his element not being at home. But then they asked me to join Rob in the middle of their circle. There were at least 20 gathered around us with hands on both Rob and me. For a short minute, I was thinking my knees might buckle under the weight of their hands. LOL

Do you know what they prayed about? Each and every single thing that Rob and I prayed about the night before. Can you believe it? I mean, I know I should expect cool things like that from God, but it blew me away! I was a bawlling, blubbering mess at the end, but my heart was soaring!

They prayed for our being away from each other these two weeks, and how happy they are that we younguns have found the Lord in our young age. LOL  They prayed that the Lord bless us in answering His call to minister to His people. Really the only thing they didn’t specifically mention was infertility… I think I would have died on the spot if they had!

Afterward, as a group we made blueberry pancakes and sausages, as well as coffee and OJ. DEEEElish!

And on the way back to the hotel to pack up and leave my honey, something very amazing dawned on me.

• I hadn’t wanted to go to church because I wanted to be lazy and stay in bed with Rob.
• But God told me we were to go anyway.
• The bed was horribly uncomfortable, so we were up very early and dragged our feet until it was time to go to church.
• WE HAD THE TIME WRONG, but nobody had our phone number, so we got there late.
• And the group of pastors prayed for us.

GOD ALWAYS KNEW we would be late. He told me to go to church and he knew how everything was going to happen! I am thrilled that my God knows me so well that he asked for my obedience in going to worship, and I didn’t have to sit there at all. It was like eating dessert for dinner!

Romans 13:14

I have made it no secret here on my blog that I haven’t been a REAL Christian for all that long, not yet 5  years. In that time, I have opened my eyes to the horrible life I lead before, and have done a complete turn-around. Praise God. PRAISE GOD!

I used to be so sad, though, and think about my former misdeeds and be grieved because of them. It’s taken me years to come to grips with how things happened, how I was to blame for so many things going wrong. Even worse, I kicked myself because God told me -even in the middle of my treachery – that it would be 5 years after I was completely His again before I would have the family I so desired. And still, I think it was 18 months until the BIG turn-around.

How could I have been so stupid? Why did I waste so much time when I knew what God wanted from me? How will I ever be able to forgive myself, even though I know that God has forgiven me? Not to mention, the numerous ways I mistreated Rob.

I haven’t thought about these things and bemoaned them in AGES. I don’t even remember the last time I felt guilt over them. AND I KNOW that the guilt I feel is straight from the enemy. I changed my ways, asked for forgivenes, and I was free. Except that I kept going back to the guilt.

When you’re entrenched in sinful ways in the manner that I was, there are many many things that have been said and done so that they become trigger points later, even when you’re trying to forget about them. Why can’t my mind glide to the times when we walked on the beach in Charleston with my (now deceased) Uncle Charlie? Why can’t I think about the many dates Rob took me on in the 5 years of our courtship? Why can’t I remember the day my cousin Ashton was born, or the family camping trip? Why can’t I relive the times with niece Mindy spent sitting on the dock at the lake, making up songs? WHY DOES IT ALWAYS HAVE TO BE ME IN THAT HORRIBLE PLACE OF DARKESS? Blehhhh.

But until recently I hadn’t thought about any of it.

And then yesterday, for a long moment, I was tempted beyond what I could resist. I thought about one of the people I had been associated with at the time. Then I thought it would be great to talk to that person. Then I thought I’d see if they wanted to get together sometime. “And hey!” my mind raced, “Rob is gone this week so you don’t have to even ask him!”

THAT, my friends, was the final straw for me.

I was in the basement at work, alone, when I was thinking these things. I shouted, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I will not! I won’t! And in the name of Jesus Christ, evil one you get away from me and stop your tempting!”

I was so freaked out. For the rest of yesterday I was a bit jarred that I was actually planning in my mind how to “get away with”  doing these things which were so hurtful to myself, and to Rob and to our marriage, and to our families. The number of fights that MY behavior caused… are just staggering. I am still ashamed.

Last night I decided to finish reading my latest Janette Oke book, A Bride for Donnigan. (Loved it!) And at the end, Donnigan is leading his family to the Lord. He mentioned something in Romans 12, and I looked it up. Then Rob called for our nightly chat, and I told him about my temptation yesterday. I was a bit afraid, but I know from things in the past that I have to tell him the hard and ugly truth, lest the enemy use secrets as leverage against me.

Rob told me that they talked about THAT VERY THING in seminary classes  yesterday! How awesome is that! God had given Rob special understanding about my situation before I even confessed it!  We talked for a while and Rob mentioned that his instructor said something like Stop Drop and Roll, only it was   ——–, ——- and pray. I’ll write it here later if Rob can remember.

And then this morning I was reading further in Romans and found this, which sums it up nicely:

Romans 13:14

Clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the sinful nature.