I Love You Lord

My heart is heavy tonight. Ugh. We spent a sweet afternoon and night and day with our friends and fellow pastor and wife about 50 miles from here. There is great contention in their church, and our friend was back today 5 weeks post-cardiac-surgery. Evil attitudes and unhealthy attachments have run rampant in this church and I have a hard time believing that neither of our friends could have dealt with these issues before they became SO HUGE.

The deal is this: in our church, if Rob and I had visitors, the people would practically bowl them over with love. They’d shake hands and talk to our visitors, they’d make sure they had coffee and cookies, and had signed the guest book. Rob and I would have a hard time leaving, because people would be trying to chat up our visitors. That is how our people operate.

In the church we visited today, our friend introduced us around while her pastor-husband got ready for worship. Nobody asked who we were. She introduced us to people as “our friends: pastor and wife from The Big City” and introduced a few people to us. I tried making conversation with a few of the people, but they all looked away.

The one fellow who would talk with us, did not talk especially nicely about the pastor. It was such a weird weird vibe and after having experienced that today, my heart hurts for my dear friends. Can they REALLY not know where the problem lies? Can they really be so ill-received?

There was one couple in particular who avoided our friends LIKE THE PLAGUE, and us as well. I stepped into her path, on purpose, knowing she was an instigator in the bad situation going on. She got a smirk on her face and said to her grandson, “Get over here, You!” and walked RIGHT OUT THE DOOR.

I am certianly not saying that I am some sort of put-back-together-er… or even more than just a decent human being who LOVES HER LORD. But sheesh! In our church, I am so well received. I can talk and DO talk with anyone and everyone. If someone seems left out, I will bring them into a conversation, give them a hug, or do whatever my Lord asks me to… in my church I am not persecuted (much!) and if I am, I take the bull by the horns and talk to the person who is upsetting me.

I just don’t get it.

Meanwhile, http://www.ccli.com/worshipresources/SongStories.cfm?itemID=7 and this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GoNeeHbM7Og

Bridge of Dreams

OK first click this so you can listen to the song which was playing throughout my dream this morning.

Heavy worries and frustrations weighing on me like a ton of bricks.

This was a waking dream, kind of like my dream/vision many years ago called A Tale of  Two Jayleighs. The previous song, “Lay ‘em Down” by Need to Breathe was playing on and on in my dream.

I was walking with Jesus (it was so cool!) on a grassy hill. We were walking and talking about whatever, and I guess I was thinking about my bricks. You know, those bricks that weigh down your heart and make you feel like you have the weight  of the world on your shoulders? Those are same bricks which can interfere with my relationship with God, the ones I give up but somehow always find a way to steal back.

Two weeks ago when I had a “Heavy Revvy”  about the bricks, I was calling it a “backpack of bricks,” but when I was walking with Jesus, it was more like a pallet of them. It reminded me of the way sometimes in video games, what you are working with is right there, floating along beside you, and there is no human way possible for you to ever ACTUALLY carry it, but it hovers there. The bricks were like that, floating along, annoyingly beside me while Jesus and I talked.

He glanced at the bricks and asked if I wanted to be rid of them yet. I said, “Yes! Please take them.” He told me that I had to give them to Him. So I tried to direct the bricks to Him, but it didn’t work. They came floating back to me. I tried again and failed. Then suddenly the path we were walking on came to an end. We were standing on the edge of a deep, slow-moving river. We wanted to go to the other side, but I couldn’t get rid of the bricks, because no matter how hard I tried to give them up, they all kept coming back to me.

Finally, Jesus took the pallet of bricks from me. They were not floating by Him; He was holding them, like I’d carry a tall stack of books. Next to Him, there was framework for a bridge crossing the river that I hadn’t seen before, and He looked at the bricks, and at me and said, “Lay ‘em down.” I could see me kneeling beside Him, and I looked up and held out my hands for a brick. These were paving stones, like for a courtyard, and were thick, and weighed 10 pounds or more apiece.

Other bricks included things about my past, thinking ill of my boss, wanting babies, etc.

As I looked at the first brick, held it in my hands, I thought about a particular fight I’d had last fall with my sister. I said things that I knew were wrong. We got over the fight, and I asked forgiveness. I’d even say we’re better than we were before… but I still had lingering guilt over things that I said to purposefully hurt her. On the first brick, I imagined “fighting with my sister” to be imprinted on it, and I placed it on the framework.

I took each brick and imagined past misdeeds, frustrations, worries, petty upsets on them, and placed them face-down on the framework to the bridge. I worked as long and hard as I could, letting each brick pass from my hands to be mortared in place on the bridge build by Jesus.

Finally I stood back and Jesus took over.  He worked and built a beautiful bridge with arches and multiple levels. He took something awful and old and crummy and made something so beautiful and useful and helpful to me out of all my old junk. And best of all, he made me take part in physically sticking down my worries and anger and CRUD down so I couldn’t get them back again.

My heart was so light when I woke up. My Jesus loves me so!

 

 

It was actually a bit smaller than this, but it was this pretty.

 

Her Abuser is Dead

Someone very close to me, (but truly NOT me) was abused in every conceivable, nasty, and hurtful way when she was less than 10 years old. She was abused by her step-father. She is an adult now, with children of her own who are growing up and maturing every single day.

Her abuser died of cancer this week. She went to his funeral because nobody who is still living apparently knows about the abuse. They all told her to “get over it,” and, “stop being angry because your mom divorced him when you were a child.”

I talked with her on the phone last night, and I said,  “From someone who has had WAY too many psychology courses, I need to tell you something: just because he is dead, doesn’t mean this is over in your mind. I know you have been through therapy before, and have told the doc that you wouldn’t talk about your sexual abuse. I am telling you now that when it comes up, you WILL need professional help to deal with everything. I love you and I don’t want you to feel badly when you need someone else’s help in sorting things out.”

When at the funeral home visitation last night, she said she looked at him in the casket and had flashbacks of being seven years old and her mom was in the hospital with a bad infection and he was alone with her at home for a few weeks. She was so young and didn’t understand it was very bad until later, and then she was completely mortified… and she still is, so very many years later.

She had a panic attack at the funeral home yesterday. She covered it up of course, just the way I have done when I needed to save face in front of people. But it happened, and I am worried that it will keep happening if she doesn’t sort out her feelings and the fact that he never apologized.

She told me that during the funeral, all she could think about was that she had been the “sacrificial lamb” of sorts, and that apparently he had done many awesome and wonderful things for people and for his community. She is confused, though. She wanted to see him about a week ago, but didn’t. I felt it was better actually that she didn’t, because it would be hard for her to confront a very sick, very old man on the brink of death… what if he didn’t even remember… what if he wasn’t sorry… and other things.

Please pray for this dear woman. Lift her up to the Father for guidance and healing. She wants to let this go, but somehow, as I was saying a few days back, when the pain is familiar, it’s hard to let go.

But she’s so dear to me, and this pain has gone on for 55 years. I pray mightily that she will be delivered THIS YEAR. In the name of Jesus, Amen.

Heavy Revvy

My work friend Joan goes to a non-denominational church about 45 minutes away from mine. Her pastor is very funny, and when he’s had an AHA! moment, he calls it a “Heavy Revvy,” as in a “Huge Revelation.” I had an enormous Heavy Revvy today, and it was two-fold.

1. I awoke this morning thinking about the fact that we don’t have children. I have been very sad about this lately, and I just want to be finished with the sadness. I was mulling things over in my head, and when I went to explain my great sadness to Rob, I began crying very hard. The Lord spoke to my heart, saying, “Give up your hopes and dreams, your fears and doubts and keep your eyes on Me.”

So all day today I have focused on making sure not to take the burdens back that I gave up. Rob and I both agree that after 17 years of dealing with infertility, we know what it’s like to carry the burden around with us. It is familiar, and we’re “the people who can’t have kids.” While that isn’t “ok” with us, it’s how we have apparently labeled ourselves,  so when that label is taken away, I am not sure how to act, what to think or do, how to breathe or exist. It’s unfamiliar territory, but a place that my Jesus wants me to walk away from. “Don’t hold onto the hurt,” he says.

My heart hurts, but I liken it to the thought of removing the dagger, and time will heal the wound.

2. Rob and I were at a pizza joint having lunch this afternoon and he was talking about his sermon for tomorrow. He said that one of the scriptures he was using was the Wedding at Cana, where Jesus turned water into wine. I asked why that was so important, because it was “just” turning water into wine, for pete’s sake.

Rob recounted the story to me, about Mary coming to Jesus in dismay, because they were at a wedding reception and the wine had run out. “So what?” I taunted. He went on, talking about those times, and that it was important not to run out of wine at a wedding reception. Jesus said that it wasn’t yet his time, but Mary told the servants to do as Jesus asked. They obeyed when he asked them to take the water jugs and fill them to the top, draw some out, and take it to the master of the banquet.

The master of the banquet didn’t know where the wine had come from, and said to the bridegroom, “People usually bring out the choicest wine first, then when everyone has had their fill, they bring out the cheap wine. You have saved the best for last.” 

Again I said to Rob, “So?” And he said, “So the bridegroom gave his very best, and what Jesus gave made the groom’s best look like the cheap stuff.”

I was a bit grouchy still and said,  “So what does that mean?” perhaps a bit snottier than I meant to… and then came Heavy Revvy #2 of the day. I said quickly, “OOh I know what it means! It means that…..”

[profuse crying in the middle of the restaurant, thankfully we were the only customers]

I realized that I can do everything to the best of my power and ability, and when I have come to the end of myself and give it up to God, what HE does and what HE brings is way more awesome than I could think, imagine, do, buy, etc. and is “the choicest” .

It was amazing… and I think it all began when, for the past 48 hours, I have been listening to this song by Kari Jobe:

Hmmm

• I probably shouldn’t have watched an episode of “Bones”, the television show, right before bed. I am grossed out.
• Hosting a couple for dinner tonight was fun, but I have serious issues with their… uncaring, pregnant 19-year-old daughter. I am going to look for some type of  support group. I don’t know if I can take it any longer.
• Part of being a grown-up is cutting off unhealthy relationships. I have done that in the last month, and somehow I don’t feel so much better yet. But I know it’s in my best interest, so please, God, help me.
• It’s hard coming to terms with my infertile body. Sometimes I hate myself for it. I pray mightily that something will change. I pray that I might believe God’s promises for REAL and not just pray that someday I will know in my heart that He’s for real.
• Rob’s sermon today was his best ever. He said in it that we shouldn’t feel bad for being tempted because the enemy tempts us most when we are stepping up to do God’s will. I am glad he said that, because I have been tempted very much lately… to step back into the pit from which I was rescued by God about 5 years ago, also to stop believing the Truth, and to believe lies from the devil. I shall not forsake the Lord, my God. He is my strength, my hope, my salvation.

The Lord is my Shepherd. He guides and guards me. I shall not be in want, because he will take care of all my needs. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. When life is crazy and nothing makes sense, even then He will restore my soul. He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.

Even though I am walking in the shadow of death (infertility, busy-ness, feeling trapped in my job) I shall fear no evil, for You (the Lord) are with me. As my shepherd, Your rod and staff they comfort me and guide me always. You prepare a banquet table of blessings before me even in the presence of my enemies, You annoint my head with oil to make me shine and look my best; my  cup overflows endlessly and I will never thirst again.

Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life and I will live in Your house, the House of the Lord, forever.

Amen

Hope is Frail

I was watching Prince of Egypt last Sunday with my Sunday School kiddos when this part of the movie came up. The line of the song that made me cry is this: There can be miracles/ if you believe/ though hope is frail, it’s hard to kill.

Infertility, folks. What a wicked, mind-trippy thing. I believe with my heart that God’s promise to us for a family will come true. And yet 17 years of dealing with this makes me… well a bit bitter. I am trying not to be, but it makes me crazy and angry and bitter and if I don’t let it out, it makes me feel like I am going nuts.

I will be 37 in about 20 more days. I love being this age, because it feels like I have things together and it’s great being a grown woman. It’s great being friends with my mom (!) and my sister (!). It’s great knowing that I don’t have to talk badly about others to feel better about myself. I love that I can play piano, and that I can quit my lessons (as I did yesterday) when I feel so overwhelmed with things that I don’t know where to carve out time.

God help me because I am thinking I got the stomach flu that’s going through our neighborhood. God heal my heart and mind in Christ Jesus. I don’t want to be bitter. I just want babies, and lots of them. I want to do your will and be your child. And I want to stop using foul language. And lose weight.

That’s what I pray I will accomplish this year.

Drama with a Capital “D”

So my little neighborhood BFF is named Mindy, the same as my niece. BFF Mindy’s hubby had another incident last night, NYE, and they are maybe or maybe not separating today. Rob and I had Lexi and Ali, the two girls, this afternoon but they are back with their parents now.

I haven’t blogged much at all since we moved here to The City, mainly because my friends here are quite computer literate and I am not comfortable writing stories about them that they may somehow stumble across.

Our friends, Trina and The Brain and daughters are coming over shortly. We are exchanging gifts and hopefully getting some quality time playing Lego Star Wars for Wii. lolz. This coming from the former video game HATER, moi.

In other news, my sister Dotty (aka Joie de vivre) has picked out an engagement ring at the behest of her boyfriend. He took her to Tiffany & Co. in San Francisco. She was horrified if I asked if they walked in and asked for the cheapest thing they had. lolz. Since his family is from Barbados, they are planning the wedding for there. I cannot wait. Yeahhhhh.

And that’s about it.

Happy 2010 everyone.

And apparently, like most people, I am saying twenty-ten and not two-thousand-ten. I wish I were saying two-thousand-ten, but alas I cannot force myself.

Adieu and adieu.

Jayleigh

Dear Cherie

This is the bereavement letter I just wrote to Cherie and her family. I hate writing these things, but I think I have a gift for them.

Dear Cherie and family,

No words can adequately describe our sadness over the loss of your husband and dad, Kegan.

What an amazing mentor and teacher! There was no truer friend than Kegan. He lived his faith every single day, and was an example for the rest of us to live by.

Kegan’s love for you, his family was evident. He always has a funny or sweet story to tell about one or the other of you. His eyes lit up at the mention of his grandsons, and he was so proud of each of your accomplishments.

One of my favorite memories of Kegan was when I was a kid and my family were the greeters at church. I shook Kegan’s hand and he didn’t stop shaking mine for several moments. For a minute, I was concerned, but then he laughed and smiled and I thought how cool it was that an adult would take the time to joke around like that.

Kegan always had a kind and encouraging word for everyone. We will miss those words and his genuine smile, his honesty and passion about large and small things in life. But most especially, we will miss the joking and laughter that Kegan brought to our lives.

Kegan is one-of-a-kind and we shall miss him dearly. Our hearts go out to you in sympathy during this time of your fresh grief.

In Christian Love,

Rob and Jayleigh

I don’t remember mentioning it in my last posting, but Rob has been asked to give the eulogy.  He’s having a hard time paring it down to only 3 or 4 stories, because he’s known Kegan for 20 years and I have known him my entire life. There are a lifetime of good times and strife, trials, and victories that Kegan shared in. The saddest part for me is that his family has to deal with his death at Christmastime. My prayers are with them.

After 20 Years

Dear Father God,

Kegan’s been fighting cancer for 20 years and you relieved him of his suffering one day ago. I know because of the way Kegan lived his faith in You, that he’s now dancing on streets of gold, basking in your presence. He is truly marching to Zion, without aid of a wheelchair. He has no more doctor’s appointments. He is in Heaven with You, and all the saints who’ve gone before. There is no longing in his life anymore.

And here we are on earth. It’s a cold, dreary December. I laugh and smile when I think that Kegan didn’t have to go to Florida this year to get decent weather in December. Do you have the prettiest beaches in Heaven? I know you’ll have a Corvette for him to drive 90 mph down your streets.

And here’s his wife, Cherie… who is happy for Kegan, and sad for herself. And their two grown sons, two daughters-in-law, and two grandsons. Most of them have a strong faith in you, but I know of one who wavers. Help them to grieve. Bind up their hurting hearts and help them to know that You love them.

Be with Rob between now and Tuesday, when he’s giving the eulogy at the funeral. Rob has never done this for a lifelong friend and mentor, and I worry for him some. Be with my dad who was very best friends with Kegan, and my mom who is supporting both my dad and Cherie.

Finally, dear precious Father, be with me as I am feeling this loss more intensely than I thought I ever could. Kegan and Cherie were my Sunday School teacher, my babysitter, my ally, my mentor and my friend. I never remember a time in my life that they were not in it.

I praise your name continually, because I know Kegan is no longer in pain. But this loss, after 20 years, well I guess we were beginning to think Kegan was invincible. But I know only you are. Thank you for giving me a chance to know him. I love you.

Jayleigh

Beautiful Ordinary Life

I am getting better from being sick this week. I didn’t want to get up and go to the clergy/spouse brunch this morning… at all. But I did because we are new here and the Superintendent is new and some of our friends were going as well.

I awoke early because I was coughing and laying down made it worse. I milled around this morning and got my shower and was most of the way ready when I told Rob I didn’t think that I was up to going. “It’s 6 hours of being busy,” I told him, “like most of a work-day. SIGH” But he was very nice and said it was totally up to me whether or not I attended.

Iwas all set to jump back into my pajamas and into bed when I decided to just get dressed and do my makeup and see how I felt after I’d  gotten all ready. Rob came downstairs and was very happy to see me ready to go, and frankly, I was happy to be going somewhere other than work for a change.

In the end, we ha the most marvelous time with our former pastor and his wife who are our good friends. Their two children are funny and sweet and awesome. The best part is that when talking with clergy and their spouses, you don’t have to qualify everything… you can just speak from the heart and be REAL, and they give you the benefit of the doubt because they have been through much the same situations.

On the way home, we grabbed cokes at the nearby McDonald’s. I have no idea why, but this particular McDonald’s has the very best fountain pop I have ever experienced. We drove the 30 minutes back to our house in beautiful sunshine. And I kept thinking of the song I posted above here… I love my beautiful ordinary life. And WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT that it’s Wayne Brady, of all people!?

Wayne’s Cell Phone

Last night was crazy and great. My little kids from church all moved to Ohio today (about two hours away) and we had a farewell party for them, followed by a teen lock-in where the kids ended up sleeping in my living room.

After a movie, I took my little kids home for the last time and cried all the way back to my house.

Tomorrow is the first day since March that I am not picking these guys up for church. How did I not realize how attached I am to them? What am I ever going to do without their innocent, beautiful, sassy, energetic, witty, gracious selves?

 

You know when I was a teenager, I had to have everything all matching. We weren’t well-to-do, so when my parents agreed to let me get some things to spruce up my room, well, the bedskirt matched the drapes, matched the comforter and blankets and sheets, etc. etc.  When I was a teenager, I would not have thought that these children who have had lice and who sometimes smell like cat pee, and have dirt under their fingernails and who live in a crummy house in a crummy neighborhood were worth getting worked up over.

 

And now that I am grown, I have put childish ways behind me. Because in the smiling faces of these ones, is where my heart lies. And they’re gone, but the Lord has done such a work in me through them, that I can’t ever go back to being the way I was  before I knew them.

 

For their party, we ate pizza and drank pop, played Clue (I won! Without cheating. Seriously.), and musical chairs (I won also. What kind of crummy adult I am to win at the kids’ games!), and then watched the movie Bolt on the big screens in the sanctuary. And then Rob took this pic of me with my kids. I shall miss them so.

 

And as I mentioned, the teens (5 of them) ended up sleeping at my house. Wayne is a… I imagine about 16-year-old… boy who annoyed the living daylights out of me last night and less so this morning. I realized this morning that he just needs attention and is desperately seeking to fit in.

 

A pet peeve of mine is people who WILL NOT stay off their cell phones for any reason. I find it incomprehensibly rude to be in a group of people when one or more won’t stop texting long enough to understand what is even being said in conversation around them. Wayne was one of these last evening and … GRRRR … let’s just say it helped along my less-than-stellar opinion of him last night.

So the kids and Rob went to the men’s breakfast this morning. I watched TV, practiced piano, etc., and notice Wayne’s cell phone on the TV stand. I was going to call Rob from it, and tell him to please drive back by and get the phone before driving Wayne home. And then I started giggling, and then I got tears in my eyes.

The cell phone has no service, as though it’s his mom’s old phone or something… and he was carrying it just to fit in.

Rob and I were talking tonight about Wayne’s phone and how it makes us somehow like him better that it was all an act.

My Little Kids

These are my sweet "little kids" who are moving all too soon.

 

 My girls are moving to Ohio. They have been saying it for months and months, but I guess I didn’t really believe it would really happen, since the date has come and gone a few times and they are still here.

I don’t even know what to say. I am sad. I worry for them. I wonder if I will ever see them again. I pray that the Lord will always guard and guide them. I’m sure there’s more on my heart, but I am too flustered and frustrated to pinpoint it at the moment.

Dear Girls,

Rob and I love you. You three have brought great joy into our hearts since we have come to this City. You girls help me to have fun in spite of my best laid plans. God sent you into my life as a gift. Now I have to do these things on my own.

Always your friend,

Jayleigh

What You Don’t Know

Joie,

You never listen to me. When you do listen, it’s carefully and so you can find a chink in my “logic” and tell me in 20 ways why I am more wrong than any person who has ever lived.

You calmly told me just now how I made you feel so badly. Well YOU took it badly. 

I love you, Joie. You are nothing other than perfection to me. I strive to be as funny, as cute, as “with it” and you accuse me FIFTY times in a single night of never standing up for you.

I utterly reject your position of the victim in tonight’s conversations. You are a strong and smart woman. I want to be your sister and your friend. But I will not be bullied into agreeing something which is not true: your assertion that I have said and done things to make you feel bad today.

I am sorry that I lost it and hung up the phone.

We’re letting the evil one win if we keep fighting.

I LOVE YOU.

Jay

Year of Jubilee

I am thinking of and listening to this song while I am writing this post. My God and my saviour are THE ONLY way I am getting through these hectic days.

BEHOLD HE COMES. RIDING ON THE CLOUDS. SHINING LIKE THE SUN. AT THE TRUMPET CALL. LIFT YOUR VOICE. IT’S THE YEAR OF JUBILEE. AND OUT OF ZION’S HILLS SALVATION COMES.

Do you know what it means to be in the year of jubliee? I wouldn’t, except that I once read straight through Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers and Deuteronomy. I have a Jewish friend and I wanted to understand the basis of their religion.

From Wikipedia: The year of Jubilee in both the Jewish and Christian traditions is a time of joy, the year of remission or universal pardon. In Mosaic law, each fiftieth year was to be celebrated as a jubilee year, and that at this season every household should recover its absent members, the land return to its former owners, the Hebrew slaves be set free, and debts be remitted (see Jubilee (Biblical)).

Slaves set free. The land returned to it’s former owners. Debts remitted.

The thought makes my head swirl. Can you imagine if the world really worked that way? If the captives and slaves were set free, all debt was erased. The land was returned to it’s former owners? Imagine it. The whole world full of prodigals would come HOME and be welcomed, and be forgiven.

As humans we are slaves to sin. We let other gods into our lives and lose sight of the One True and Living God, our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.

This week, my very dear friend Amelia’s husband Stan overdosed on a medication and had a very close call because of the reaction of another medication, both of which he was prescribed by the same doctor. My heart was torn out when I learned of all this.

My fervent prayer is that THIS will be the year of jubilee for Amelia and Stan. May the Lord bless and keep them through this time of coming back to Him.

Amen.