Terri’s 5th Child
From 5th grade through 11th, I was best friends with Terri. We were literally inseperable through track, basketball, 4-H, and LIFE. Terri’s parents (mostly her father) pressured her always and demanded, “Why aren’t you more like Jayleigh?!”
Terri’s dad forced her to put her all into homework, basketball, discus and shotput, weightlifting, running… As a result, Terri excelled in each of these things. What she lacked in natural ability, she made up for with hard work. I was the exact opposite. Where Terri completed her homework in study hall and right after school, I’d slough off and wait until 20 minutes before bed to even start. Terri would weightlift every day, twice a day, and I’d go twice a week and call it good. Terri’s dad hired a shotput and discus coach for her and she worked with him 3 nights a week and all day on Saturday. I picked up the shot and disc at meets and sometimes during practice when I wasn’t flirting with Eduardo the exchange student.
Terri graduated high school at the top of our class, and I was #7. Terri got straight A’s by working hard and I got A’s and B’s without trying AT ALL. Terri got an academic and track scholarship to University of Michigan and I got a little scholarship to Eastern Michigan, but ended up going to a local community college until Rob and I were married.
In College, Terri hooked up (I know no details) with her friend’s ex-boyfriend. By then we had already drifted apart in a major way. She hated Rob, she was into drinking all the time and having sex with different people. She was trying really hard (as always) to be “upper crust” and I was feeling incredibly left out of her life. I was tired of feeling like I had to be “something more” to be worthy of her friendship.
Six years ago, after taking my advice on how to become pregnant when having problems, Terri had #1. Eighteen months later came #2. Another 2 years later were #3 and #4. Terri works full-time and her hubby plays Mr. Mom… at least that’s how it went the last time we talked. He does carpentry also, and he built her a wonderful home. He’s a good guy, and soft spoken. Red-head, so way handsome. lol
I was supposed to spend time with Terri at Christmas and I just couldn’t. I have seen her first daughter and son. I have not ever seen the twins. For some reason I just cannot bear it… and then
tonight, I received this email from Terri:
Hi Jay,
Hope all is well. I have some exciting news to share. We’ve decided to skip the pregnancy/nursing step for #5. We are adopting a baby boy from Guatemala!!! He was born November 30th. By the time we get him he will be 12-18 months. His name is Jorge, but we’ll call him George. Here’s his picture.
Terri :o)
I have not yet responded to this note. I feel like I’m choking, like I want to freak out and scream at God that it is just not fair.
My life is wonderful the way it is… I love Rob and we have a wonderful marriage. Mindy came over tonight and wants to see us tomorrow and Friday. I went to the doctor today and had a good report on my hypoglycemia (doc agreed to keep me on meds that my fertility doc started me on), and according to what the Lord has shown Rob, we only have 2.5 years until we have our own child.
So why do I want to scream and cry and come all undone? My friend Antoinette just gave birth to her 5th child on Mother’s Day. I am a little put out with her for 100 reasons, not the least of which is the amount of cursing and swearing she commits against her 4 sweethearts. I have only seen her 3 times during her pregnancy because she is such a martyr that I want to shake some sense into her. But I don’t begrudge her #5.
My friend Enid has 4 kids and I don’t begrudge her. She’s a great Mom, though, and she loves her kids and they all love Jesus. They built a 4500 square foot home in Grand Rapids and I still don’t begrudge her. Why is that?
Why do I feel so scribbley and ugly inside when I think about Terri’s adopting #5?
May 11, 2005 at 11:49 pm
Jay…. Aww honey! It’s okay. Listen… I’m going to adopt one day too. Now that your financial things are going better, you can save up and do so as well. You know, it’s okay to take matters into your own hands. It’s not like you would not be trusting in the Lord, if you were to decide to adopt, you know.
May 12, 2005 at 9:50 am
Some friends of mine and I were just talking about this on Tuesday night. One’s 40, one’s 32 and I”m 36 next week. None of us have ever been married. We both want to be; and we both want children. They both could give up the child idea if the Lord would just bring them a husband, a companion, a confidant to live life with. I on the other hand, just want a child. I could give up on the idea of being married if I could just have a child. I am SO willing to adopt (I was with one of my teenagers while she gave birth to a beautiful baby boy - I dont’ care if I ever go through that personally) it’s not funny (and I’m willing to go through FIA to adopt so I would end up with a baby with Fetal Alcohol or a crack baby or a severe abuse/neglect case more than likely) but me too - the financial end doesn’t work. I work for a non profit ministry and make less than 24,000/yr. Several thousands each year go to “my kids” in which I love as my own but don’t get them on those special days you want them, holidays, mother’s day, etc. I had a really hard time a few years ago when all my friends were married and pregnant. Didn’t want anything to do with them. It’s gotten better now but it sure hurts like a hot iron is sticking in the heart sometimes still. It’s hard and I don’t have a spouse to even share the pain with… (Hope this doesn’t make you more depressed/upset. Short story long there I know but I understand the hurt.)
May 12, 2005 at 1:50 pm
Hey JayLeigh,
I love your name, by the way
It’s funny that you wrote this post, because even though we have never met, I was so very, very impressed with your writing and especially with the way you wrote about Mindy that I was going to put you in my Favorite Moms list Part II 
I was just too tired to finish writing all of it late last night. I have no answers for you. All I can say is, I am praying for you. That you get the desires of your heart. It certainly sounds like you deserve them. As for why you begrduge your friend…she just sounds like a “friend” I used to have who knew perfectly well that she was constantly irritating me so, she kept doing it. I really loved her and hated her at the same time. Other reasons…I finally said “goodbye” and left no forwarding address. Her constant, “Guess what amazing and perfect thing I did, bought or created this year…” got a little old and sent me to confession far too often. Anyway, that says nothing to you, I am sure, but I feel your irritation. It sounds warranted.
May 12, 2005 at 9:03 pm
Jayleigh, I have a friend who rubs me the wrong way at times, too. We started out just like you and Terri. We did everything together. Her parents compared her to me All. The. Time. It didn’t seem like such a big deal when we were kids, but she kept the mentality as we grew older. Every time she accomplished anything, big or small, she felt compelled to tell me about it. In her eyes, when her life was good, it was better than mine. When her life was bad, it was far worse than mine. No matter her situation, she always felt the need to outdo me. Even now, as adults, she compares herself to me. We sat next to each other at the Christmas concert a few months ago and she decided she needed a new camera. Why? Because mine had a bigger zoom and a memory stick slot. Hers was perfectly fine, same brand and everything but she couldn’t stand that I had a newer model. It all stems from childhood. Her parents’ comparisons are so ingrained in her that she still does it, all these years later…about everything. I make it a point to never compare my nieces to anyone else because I don’t want them to end up thinking they’re not good enough unless they can measure up to someone else.
May 13, 2005 at 2:21 pm
Jayleigh, You’ve made me think a lot. For one thing, I just posted about how troublesome it was to have twins. Then I read your post and was filled with shame. SO UNGRATEFUL! Thank you for a new perspective…I keep forgetting.
Then I thought about “frenemies,” the kind of relationship I think you have with Terri. There’s definitely love and caring, but always an undercurrent of competition and resentments for things. Have you read Summer Sisters by Judy Blume? I think we all suffer through these kinds of relationships. I’m sorry that you’re hurt.
May 13, 2005 at 6:24 pm
**hugs** sometimes words just aren’t enough, are they Jay? luv ya and I’m here if needed
May 13, 2005 at 10:03 pm
Joie, thanks for always being encouraging. You know I am not against adoption in general.
Noelle, thank you for understanding and sharing your feelings with me. You are an inspiration and we should all be as kindhearted toward others as you are.
Tiffani, I love your blog to pieces, and YOU are the good writer, friend, not me.
Thank you for your insights, as always.
Kerri, I totally understand what you mean. I don’t know why *anyone* would be that way toward you. I think you’re the sweetest, most giving person I know, and those who need to constantly compete should try it in THOSE areas. lol
Sandy, don’t feel guilty about your post. Just love those babies and remember those of us who are apparently not able.
**hugs to everyone**
May 13, 2005 at 10:05 pm
Daphne - You are so smart and so incredibly cool. Can I be like you when I grow up and have a family of my own? Um… I don’t remember if you’re older or I am. lol
May 14, 2005 at 2:05 pm
smart and cool. well I have you fooled! And I am older than you but not necessarily grown up. My husband has 8 years on me and he definitely is NOT a grown up yet
had to put that jab in there. he has been tormenting me all morning kind of like Rob and his camera help with the trunk incident.