Baby Talk (Part 11)
No Go this month. My doc’s office called me today at work. Day 21 blood tests say that my progesterone is too low, apparently. Trying again as soon as AF hits.
Tripping
Rob, knowing I was disappointed, quit work early and had the dogs and our beach bag loaded in the car when I got home this afternoon. We talked about our disappointment a little- really I questioned the daylights out of him. I want to know if he hurts as badly as I do. I believe he does, though it’s concealed beyond reason. Rob hides his feelings behind a Fort Knox-like exterior. I guess I do sometimes, too.
It’s a long drive to the Beach, but it’s great for talking things out. Finally, I opened Harry Potter, and read until we got there. We unloaded the dogs and our food at the picnic tables and ate and read until we were tired of it.
We walked the dogs down to the boat launch, one of our favorite parts of the Beach, and on the way back, something wonderful happened.
The Golden Hour
My twin is a Weather Girl. Hehe. I’d never heard it before, but she says the hour before sunset is called The Golden Hour. I think, because everything looks golden in the slanting rays of the low-slung sun.
Rob was walking with my dog, quickly in front of me, so they could get the car and come to pick up Rob’s old dog and me. I needed to be alone, and Tonks, actually, is 100 years old (in people years) and walks slowly.
In the Golden light of the sun, Rob walks with Kodiak about 100 feet in front of me. The sun is shining in my eyes so I can barely make out their outlines. Rob’s pants are still cuffed up high from when he waded into the water to fill the dogs’ dish. His sandals are clunky and big on his feet… and his shirt is baggy across his muscular chest. Only sometimes, can I see the hint of his strength beneath that docile looking shirt. In the distance, Rob looks like a little kid.
And the next moment, my mind floods with images of my own son walking Kodiak… or is Kodiak walking him? And the same clunky sandals, short pants, or long shorts, and baggy white tee… and when Rob turns around every 30 steps or so to look at me, he smiles with his mouthful of perfect teeth and waves with boyish enthusiasm… it’s my boy turning around, to see that I’m still there.
When Rob and Kody were out of sight, I began to pray. I know you haven’t forsaken me, God. But I sure don’t know why things have to be the way they are now. I’m not torn up inside, but surely I don’t like how this is going. I know that you love me, and Rob loves me, and that since I love you and am called according to your purpose, all things will work for GOOD.
Just this waiting isn’t fun.
When I talked with the nurse at Dr. Michael’s office, she asked to be transferred to speak to a Phar.macy tech to up the dosage of clomid I’ll be taking this next month. And THAT means that all of my co-workers now know about my bad news.
I had to walk past their counter only about 156 times from the time I got my news until the time I left work. They all kept trying to catch my eye, and I would give a big smile and keep my head up and not say anything. It’s because I couldn’t say something. My voice would have surely given me away.
The Lord is with me always. He’s the only way I am getting through right now. And still, Rob and I agreed tonight that if it were a choice between the family we’d always dreamed of, and having Mindy safe and sound and on the right track… we’d choose Mindy.
Is that normal, or cracked?
July 31, 2007 at 8:20 am
I remember having a miscarriage.
We had been trying to get pregnant for quite some time. (my wife, a year before that) We already had a son, but we were chasing the ‘American dream’. I remember finding out and feeling helpless. I was mostly quiet because I was consumed with a “man desire” to fix what was broken. I was humbled before God as he made a decision that I could not change. I was angry that something caused my wife pain and I was powerless. It felt like I was trying to run to her in waist high mud.
I tried to give her space and attention at the same time. I tried to be strong for us but fragile at the same time. I tried to show her contentment while I shared in her desire. I tried to be next to her, while I stayed out of her way.
It was the most difficult and confusing time that I have spent as a husband. I learned how much I loved my wife at that time. I felt what LOVE was. I experienced it so thick I could taste it. If everything is done for HIS purpose, I believe that could be what MY purpose was. At least that is what helped me get through it.
The crazy part was, as helpless as I felt; my wife has always told me that I handled our trying time together “perfectly”. I said all the right stuff at the right time, got “in” when I should, and got “out” when I needed to. She thanks me for HELPING her… for HELPING us.
That’s when I felt how much God loved ME. I had no clue what to do, so he stepped in. He cared for my wife because I did; he pulled me out of the mud and into action. He armed me with what was necessary and stripped me of everything useless.
I’m not sure if your husband can feel like you do. I don’t know if he could ever truly understand, from your perspective. But you both will grow inside of your own experiences and TOGETHER you will represent the life that God has prepared for you. Everything that hurts today MUST bring joy later, or; everything that we believe is simply a lie. There is too much that proves otherwise.
He IS the truth and the light.
(…or maybe it’s none of my business.)
Charlie
Charlie, thank you so much for sharing this part of your life. It’s really hard, I know. And also? You always make me laugh. Rock on, Charlie!
BTW have you ever seen “Charlie the Unicorn” on You Tube? I recommend it!
July 31, 2007 at 8:24 am
I know you are disappointed but I still have faith that something good is coming your way. Go ahead and cry, be angry or whatever emotion overtakes you for the moment but then get back up. God isn’t done with you yet. And there is nothing “cracked” about wanting Mindy safe. I think it is great that you have your priorities so intact even after this trying time. I’ve said it before; you are way stronger than me, Jayleigh *hugs*
Daphne… Your unfailing, unwavering support and love, makes your last sentence a complete lie.
It’s not true. But thanks. And anyway, if I’m stronger, fine… but you’re WAY nicer than me.
*hugs*
July 31, 2007 at 8:47 am
Jayleigh,
Often times when we are both very disappointed about something, Scott too is very quiet and I wonder why or if he is as disappointed or sad. One day he confessed to me that he feels he has to control himself so that he can be strong for me when I am so torn up inside. It’s his way of being my Knight in Shining Armour (he is being strong for me) and I think that many mature men understand that a woman needs a man to be emotionally strong for her, even if we don’t quite understand why they aren’t expressing their emotions, disappointments, or expectations the same way we do (or in a way we can understand). I think Scott feels that if he were to express his disappointments to the extent that he feels them, it would make things worse for me! I admire that in my husband, and in Rob, that they can be strong for their wives in such a way.
As far as whether you would choose Mindy or your dream family, it is NOT normal that you would choose Mindy. Most people would (understandably) choose their own family to raise. But because you love the Lord and are living according to His calling, you do choose Mindy. God sees this and loves that you have such tender hearts - the same heart Abraham had when asked to sacrifice his own (only) son. I’m praying for you - that God will reward your obedience and sacrificial love with a a beautiful son of your own.
And just to get things really sappy, I know we’ve only met once, but I’ve grown to love you more and more as a sister in Christ as I continue to read your blog. Though our struggles are not exactly the same, I feel I can relate to the things you share through your posts. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks M. Your comment has been especially uplifting to me this week. **hugs**
July 31, 2007 at 9:18 pm
Sweetheart,
I am so sorry. I know how you feel. But you took a HUGE step by doing this and going through all that you are!!! You are AMAZING!!! And you will be rewarded for your faithfulness and trust!!! I truly believe that!!
I remember that when Anthony and I were trying…during the first 3 years or so, I would get so upset because he did not seem to feel the same way I did. He would just tell me that it would all be ok…and that it would happen when it was suppose to. But I wanted him to cry with me and act upset. But we all deal with things in our own way. It was not until we started to go through treatments that he changed. And it made me feel better…in a really strange way. It was like he was validating what I was feeling.
But truthfully, I knew he was just as upset…he was being strong…for me! And I love that about him!!!
Hang in there my friend! Your day is near!!!! However that may look!
Love,
Jennifer
Thanks Jemmers. I know that’s how Rob is too. *hugs*
August 1, 2007 at 8:40 am
I sorry,
huggs
thanks jel
August 1, 2007 at 9:41 am
Oh, J-I’m so sorry. I know no words can bring the comfort to your heart as you hurt right now. But just continue to have faith that God knows what he is doing…even though we might not think it’s best, He knows. He also knows your heart and how you are hurting right now.
When we were struggling with infertility I was ANGRY wiht Him, and it took me a few years to admit that. I was just lain angry. Why would He give me this desire to have a baby, and then not give me a baby? How dare He? I can’t say I know how you feel, because everyones experience is different. I can say that He does love you, and will carry you when you fall.
I will be praying for you my friend. I know we’ve never met in real life, but reading your blog I feel like I know you, and you are my friend. I will pray that God gives you strength to make it through another day, one day at a time. We’re so blessed that that’s all we’re asked to do, one day at a time…not two or three days. We are blessed.
Also…you are blessed with a terriffic hubby. My hubby also “pretended” not to be hurt every month like I was. Like the previous post, he was trying to be strong for me. If I knew how broken up he was, I could not have coped. I already felt like I was failing him, that would have confirmed it in my mind. I would get angry at him for not caring as much as I did, but he did care. He cared so much about me that he was there for me, and didn’t show me how hurt and sad he was…just to protect me. And finally, the day the hpt came back positive…he cried just as much as I did, but this time they were happy tears. I pray you have that experience, and SOON!
Blessings to you my friend-
Andie
I was angry for a while, but in the end, I’m just glad it’s me and not other people who’ve had to deal with this 14.5 years of mental, physical, spiritual, and emotional struggle.
Thank you for your kind words.
August 1, 2007 at 1:02 pm
You two rock. You have great hearts.
Yeah, no matter finally happens (and I have great hopes!) you two are already parents in Israel.
Ted thanks for your encouragement.
August 1, 2007 at 4:56 pm
Gosh Jay, I about bawled my eyes out reading this; it was very poignant. I am praying for you and I hope your dream comes true. I could picture it just as surely as you described it in your post. Peace.
Thanks Vickie. I’m glad that you “got it” the way I wrote it. The very best part of that day was the walk with Rob’s dog while he walked with my dog, and I prayed.
August 2, 2007 at 2:58 am
Hey lady, don’t be so hard on yourself. Nothing is wrong with wanting Mindy safe and sound. She’s been such a huge part of your life for so long. It’s natural to want her safe. How can you love and care for someone for so long and then just put her aside? You can’t.
Don’t take Robs lack of emotion the wrong way. He’s your rock. Rocks are solid. They provide protection and shelter. When he holds back he’s trying to protect you. In his mind, it may be better to hide his feelings because if he falls apart, what good will that do? He loves you SO MUCH that he is willing to deal with his emotions on his own so that you see him as your support.
Anyway, that’s just my 2cents.
-I’m not being hard on myself. I am actually proud of Rob and me that, just as you mentioned, we want to keep safe the one we’ve loved for so long.
-As for Rob’s lack of emotion, I know full well he is rock-solid. I only wanted him to know that it is sometimes frustrating for me to not know what he’s feeling. I wrote the blog post and then asked him to read it, because I didn’t trust myself (if I was talking) not to be accusatory or mean. I wrote that as a way to make him see and understand that he doesn’t always have to hold it in.
In the end, he was more torn up about this than I was. We are still getting through it, together.
Thanks for your comment.
Love you. *hugs*
August 3, 2007 at 8:04 pm
your description of the walk by the lake inspired me.
more writing, less napping for me.
August 13, 2007 at 6:11 pm
This is where my other comment should have been.
Crazy. hehehe.
*hugs*