Autumn Wasteland

I began thinking today… I know, could you smell the smoke?

I was wondering what, if the evil one didn’t have The Thing he has to torment me with, he use to torment me?

It’s true that there would probably be some lesser offense that I’d be tormented with… and if I ever did something worse than The Thing that I did, I’m sure The Thing wouldn’t bother me as it does now.

So if all of those things are true, I wonder why I actually let myself be bothered.

Change of Topic

It’s not that I don’t have anything to say these days… it’s that I don’t know how to say it. I have been incredibly emotional lately, since Shelly had her baby, since Rob and I made the decision to begin taking classes to become foster parents, since Rob’s sister and hubby are staying with us over Thanksgiving, since my sister is coming home for Christmas, since Christmas is coming and I don’t have the kind of cash-flow I wish I had in order to get my shopping done, since my mom’s retirement party is right after Christmas…

Father God, I feel like I am walking through the valley of the shadow of death these days. I know you’re with me always. I can’t always feel your presence, but I know you are with me. I know you love me, and I love you too.

Please show me your will for my life. Guide my feet and my thoughts and oh please edit the words that are coming out of my mouth so that they are ones which please you. Help me to listen for your gentle words. Help me to stop feeling guilty about crap in my life, because there are so many people who have things much worse than I do.

Please help Rob and me to know  the direction you want us to go. The decision has been made with your guidance, but I feel like a hamster on a wheel and I don’t want my actions to be for naught.

I want to matter. I want what I do to matter. And I want it to be pleasing in your sight. So many people email me all the time with amazing words of comfort and inspiration, but I feel completely unworthy of their praise. The more I’m told that I am someone to look up to, the more I think to myself that they would never believe a word out of my mouth if they knew how I used to be… the lies, The Thing, etc.

I feel like I am standing on a precipice and I have a choice to jump over, to jump into You and let You catch me… or to keep being afraid and clinging to the edge of what I already know. And fyi? I don’t know much.

You know that I take on too much and feel overwhelmed because I cannot do it all. You know that it’s hard for me to actually admit that I cannot do every single thing. You know that I need time to rest, and that I need to take care of myself and spend time with you… and I wonder how come I don’t often realize those things too.

Father God, help me to surrender my whole life and everything in it, so that I can be the woman you want me to be. Help me to give up my pettiness and my snarky attitude and oh Father! my impatience. I want to serve you. I want to live for you. Don’t let me be in this wasteland much longer.

Please forgive my staying away from you, precious Savior. Realization is dawning on me that it was a way for me to try and gain control over my life, to be rebellious, and to just do whatever I felt like for a few weeks. But my heart suffered and my soul wilted…. I don’t want to be without you.

Help me to fight back with you when the evil one torments me. Help me to remember, every second if necessary, that The Thing doesn’t even exist as far as you’re concerned. I am not that woman anymore. Those sins are as far away from me as the East is from the West, because I asked You for forgiveness.

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen

A line from a favorite hymn, Are Ye Able?

Lord, we are able. Our spirits are Thine.
Remold them, make us, like Thee, divine.
Thy guiding radiance above us shall be
A beacon to God, to love and loyalty.

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