Under 24
Rob’s been gone under 24 hours still, and I haven’t even tried to go to bed. It’s 12:45 AM as I begin to write.
*sigh*
I went to a baby shower for Shelly, my coworker and her little girl Kayra on Sunday. It was a lot of fun and I was glad to hold the baby for a long while. I guess until you’ve gone through infertility (15 years next month!) it would be difficult to understand the emotions which are at odds with each other: joy for a friend, joy for the new baby, sorrow that it’s not me, envy that it seems to be EVERYONE else and not me, boredom when everyone tells birth stories, and the list goes on.
When Rob is gone, it gives me time to think. He’s not here talking to me, so I have lots of time to mull things over…
Like the opportunity which presented itself to us through a friend about a month ago. It is quite an iffy affair. There are no yes’s and probably a no… but yet we hold out hope in the Lord. And still there are the emotions at odds with each other. Prayers that the persons involved would make better life choices, against prayers that they might decide to give up a baby for adoption.
I actually can’t even pray that prayer. I can only cry out to Jesus, that God’s will is done in every aspect of my life. I pray that He guides all persons involved and that if adoption is in His will for Rob and me, that we are enabled to show love and do the hard work of parenting. And I pray that if this doesn’t work out, that God still enable Rob and me to be good Foster Parents.
It’s too late and my head is too tired. Goodnight, all. Sleep tight and don’t let the bedbugs bite.
January 22, 2008 at 3:25 am
sleep in heavenly peace
January 22, 2008 at 8:46 am
Hope you were able to get some rest
January 22, 2008 at 8:48 am
5 hours in a row! WOOHOO!!!!!
January 22, 2008 at 12:25 pm
I understand those feelings but for different reasons. At first - it was because I”m not married that I have infertility issues - now - there’s no chance of even struggling with infertility becuase of the hysterectomy. You still have hope Jayleigh!!!
January 22, 2008 at 5:08 pm
Jayleigh, my heart longs to see your heart’s desire fulfilled. I am praying for you! What an awesome friend you are to subdue your longing long enough to rejoice with a friend. (((hugs)))
January 22, 2008 at 10:23 pm
Hi,
I so pray that you will ge your baby. Which ever way God decides to give it to you! He knows your heart and he made it that way so he made it to be a mommy heart!
Love,
Christy
January 24, 2008 at 11:34 pm
J-I remember the pain. I once had to leave a shower because I couldn’t control my tears. I wanted so badly to be happy for my friend, and I was…but noone knew at that point what a struggle we were enduring. Well, one woman did, she had gone through the same struggle before adopting her daughter, and I had confided in her. She saw my face and pulled me out. She gave my excuses to everyone so that I wouldn’t bring the party down. They were my friends and they would have understood, I just wasn’t ready to share at that point. Plus, it was a party, I didn’t want to ruin it for my friend! I admire that you were able to put your feelings aside (at least temporarily) and be happy for the new mom…and getting to hold the little miracle isn’t such a bad way to spend a time!
I also have a hard time sleeping when hubby is away. And he’s been away ALOT this month! I’m so happy to have him home!
Praying for you…Andie