It Figures

In our Christmas Card from a dear friend, she wrote about a possible adoption and asked if Rob and I would be interested. We said YES. But the bio-mom was wanting to keep her baby. A few weeks ago, we found out that the bio-mom agreed to adopt out the baby. And last night we found out that she is giving up the baby to another family… not us.

That’s the very short version of what’s been going on with Rob and me lately…

Having dealt with 15 years of infertility, Rob and I have quite a unique perspective on this situation. Sure, we’re sad, frustrated, and wondering why God keeps promising a family to us, and over and over not delivering on that promise. But we also know that God is on His throne. We know that our lives are in His hands and that the hairs on our head are numbered.

So after nearly an hour of full-on bawling my eyes out, blowing my nose, and alternating between being sad and mad, the one thing Rob and I are left feeling is this:

That’s not to be snide or snarky. And especially not to rake our dear friend over the coals. As I said, 15 years battling infertility gives one a unique perspective. It’s not really any different than the 43 negative pregnancy tests, or the failed cycles of fertility drugs. We follow after the path we think God has led us to, and it doesn’t work out. It’s not new for us, and still we got our hopes up. We tried not to, but come on, it would be madness for us to have the prospect of a little baby (due next month) coming to live with us, to make us its parents, and not get all excited and have our hopes up.

I’m so freakin’ ticked that it’s not yet time!

Rob and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God will be true to His word. Even now, in the midst of being so hurt and angry and not understanding why the heck this would happen, we know that He reigns and that He will lead us down the path He’s always intended.

Meanwhile, our hearts are broken, and yet we continue on with gearing up to be Foster Parents. All hope is not lost. We just can’t seem to find the light at the end of the tunnel.

***********Update****

I wrote this all last night, to be posted at noon today. There were some people I wanted to tell instead of them reading the news from my blog.

Rob and I awoke this morning to such peace in our hearts. Those new mercies are never so welcome as when you cry yourself to sleep, and in the morning know that the Lord was singing over you all night.

We talked and prayed before we got out of bed, and have talked a lot and prayed since then, too. On TV, was Beth Moore, a Christian speaker who’s always amazing when we happen to catch a glimpse of her. She was talking about DELIGHTING in the Lord.

Isaiah 61:10 (New International Version)

 10 I delight greatly in the LORD;
       my soul rejoices in my God.
       For he has clothed me with garments of salvation
       and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness,
       as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,
       and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.

I think that was written just for Rob and me. Because at the most basic level, we are rock-solid in our Lord and Savior. He’s put out feet upon a rock, he’s shored us up and we’re solid and unshakable. There is only a mantle of sadness around us. Of course we’re still sad, but it’s not all-consuming melancholy.

If there was a lesson to be learned, I would think it’s to do with loving the bio-parents of the kids we’re intending to foster, and loving the kids, even if we don’t ever really get to know them.

I have to make some phone calls and then this will be posted in a few hours. Rob and I are doing OK. God is still God.

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