OK, so I feel like a complete failure today.
This was a post of mine from several months ago, detailing how I’m not going to take crap from the one who comes to steal, kill and destroy. I was SO READY, I was prepared. And so I didn’t fall into the trap which was set for me.
Today, I fell into that trap with both feet. Had I known it was there, I was so mad at my coworker I would have jumped in the trap just to be spiteful.
Why in the world do I get so angry? Why do I care how people think of me so much that if something mean is said, or in my case strongly insinuated, I feel like I want to yell and scream at everyone?
I have worked for nearly 5 years to be calm and to be nice to this particular person. I have FORCED myself to think nice thoughts about them, and to take everything they do in the best light. Earlier this week when I was getting stressed out about it, I decided that I can’t always base my mood by what their mood is, so I REALLY FOR REAL didn’t worry about it.
And then today, I finished up a pretty big job I was working on, and this person made a production out of the fact that they redid it right after I did… “because nobody puts things back where they belong.”
It was as though a switch was flipped in my head and I was so darn angry. And then I did something I vowed never to do, ever. I didn’t say anything at all, but my eyebrows were 1/2 inch higher than normal, and I gave such an icy cold shoulder that I am now ashamed of myself.
I am so ashamed. In my mind, it’s like walking back into an AA meeting where everyone knows you and having to announce “I’ve been sober for 6 hours.”
I police my thinking… when my mind goes into that mean place and I think all kinds of nasty thoughts, I direct my thinking to find nice things to say about the person involved. I force myself to love and not hate, and to show infinite patience and to not lose my temper.
My nasty rotten temper and angry attitude have gotten me into more trouble over the years than I even want to talk about. In times of weakness, I will tell you that I was provoked… but I am the only person who has the ultimate decision over what I say and do. So why why WHY WHY WHY did I lose it today?
I feel like a failure because I broke my own cardinal rule of trying to always remain positive in attitude and outlook. Does this truly mean that a leopard can’t change her spots?
*sigh*
UUUUUUUUUUGH co-workers have this ability. I keep trying to repeat over and over “you do not have that kind of power over me” in my head - but some days, I just lose out.
I am so sorry that you are getting beat up AND beating yourself up. It’s hard to do - but Just forgive yourself and let it move on.
EDIT: Thanks Farah. *hug*
Don’t be so hard on yourself. You are human and as long as we are living on this earth, we will not be perfect. We will make mistakes, and because of God’s grace, the good Lord finds ways to use our mistakes for His good. Besides, maybe this person needed to see you get upset to realize that they are being too harsh or judgemental. They might need to see how their actions hurt or discourage others after trying to do a good job! And turning away is much better than saying something you might regret! I think in a way, you did good in refraining from biting back with your words.
EDIT: M, I was thinking this right after it happened, and then I sunk down into a little cave for a few hours. Your comment has really helped me back. I think it’s about 50/50 in my head, whether or not this action of mine will help me with the coworker or really hurt me. Time will tell. But I will not retain any anger over it. **hug** thanks!!!!
I will repeat what has already been said - it only means that you are HUMAN. Please don’t beat yourself up over this. Nobody can control their anger all the time. Even Jesus went off on the merchants at the temple! I think it is very admirable that you are striving to control your thoughts and reactions. More that I can say for myself.
You are such a sweet spirit, J. Take care of your self. FORGIVE yourself.
xoxoxo
Remember that Jesus is a blanket over you and that’s all the Father see’s. it’s good to know what triggers us and to try harder but He is made stronger through our weaknesses. And sometimes it’s nice to know that others stuggle as well. We all need Him don’t we.
Many Blessings