How Could I be?

It’s the same thing that always happens:  close friends have a baby; I am mad at God for a bit (way over that today!); and then I rejoice in the wonderful new little one in my friends’ lives.

How can someone be mad at God (you listening, self?) when this sweet little girl is the reason you’re mad? How can this warm and snuggly little girl- and the happiness she has given her wonderful parents- be the reason to be angry?

Regarding my infertility, I’ve stopped asking why. I don’t want to know why. I am mostly at peace. As long as “at peace” means crying every few days, taking pg tests if I’m one day late in my cycle (I did this morning, and I’m “NOT”), and trying not to actually HATE this body of mine which WILL NOT COOPERATE!

• God says in Jeremiah 29:  11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future
• God says in Habakkuk 3: 17 Though the fig tree does not bud
         and there are no grapes on the vines,
         though the olive crop fails
         and the fields produce no food,
         though there are no sheep in the pen
         and no cattle in the stalls,

   18 yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
         I will be joyful in God my Savior.

• God says in Psalm 113:9 He settles the barren woman in her home
         as a happy mother of children. [bold is mine]
         Praise the LORD.

• God says in Ezekiel 12:22 “Son of man, what is this proverb you have in the land of Israel: ‘The days go by and every vision comes to nothing’? 23 Say to them, ‘This is what the Sovereign LORD says: I am going to put an end to this proverb, and they will no longer quote it in Israel.’ Say to them, ‘The days are near when every vision will be fulfilled. 24 For there will be no more false visions or flattering divinations among the people of Israel. 25 But I the LORD will speak what I will, and it shall be fulfilled without delay.

So in defiance of the evil one, and with love and passion for my Savior, I stand on the Lord, my God, my rock and my redeemer. I believe in His promises to Rob and me. I WILL NOT go back to my times of weeping and mourning. I will rejoice with our friends at the birth of their little one yesterday morning. I will laugh again. I will not be woebegone and sad.

Praise the Lord, who delivers me from every evil thing. Praise my Father, God, who is and was and is to come. Praise the Maker of Everything. May His name be glorified in my life. May Jesus be glorified in all my pitiful works.

Amen.

UPDATE – 10:27 AM

I just got off the phone with the new baby’s daddy. He called and talked to Rob for a few minutes, and asked how *I* was doing. He said he knew it was quite an emotional topic for me, and wondered if I was OK. I had started crying, because I overheard the absolutely selfless, generous words of a dear friend.

We talked for probably 20 minutes, and my heart is so glad for Mommy, Daddy and baby. I couldn’t be happier for this new family. Praise God for them, and for the miracle of new life!

One thing the New Daddy said to me struck quite a chord. We’ve known each other for 10 years now, and for 10 years he’s wanted to have kids. He dealt amazingly well through a bad marriage, and years of looking for Mrs. Right and finally found her and were married last September. They have a great marriage and now this sweet and beautiful little girl. And the New Daddy said today, “I feel so blessed, because I really thought I never would have children.”

I so know how it feels. And yet the Hope I have is amazing. God has made promises to Rob and me, and He cannot go against His own words. God has shown me that when I let Him heal my heart, that I can see the blessings all around me. And best of all, I got all the anger and jealousy out of my system BEFORE the New Daddy called to see if I was doing OK.

God really does have it all together. Praise His Name!