What You Don’t Know

Joie,

You never listen to me. When you do listen, it’s carefully and so you can find a chink in my “logic” and tell me in 20 ways why I am more wrong than any person who has ever lived.

You calmly told me just now how I made you feel so badly. Well YOU took it badly. 

I love you, Joie. You are nothing other than perfection to me. I strive to be as funny, as cute, as “with it” and you accuse me FIFTY times in a single night of never standing up for you.

I utterly reject your position of the victim in tonight’s conversations. You are a strong and smart woman. I want to be your sister and your friend. But I will not be bullied into agreeing something which is not true: your assertion that I have said and done things to make you feel bad today.

I am sorry that I lost it and hung up the phone.

We’re letting the evil one win if we keep fighting.

I LOVE YOU.

Jay

Romans 13:14

I have made it no secret here on my blog that I haven’t been a REAL Christian for all that long, not yet 5  years. In that time, I have opened my eyes to the horrible life I lead before, and have done a complete turn-around. Praise God. PRAISE GOD!

I used to be so sad, though, and think about my former misdeeds and be grieved because of them. It’s taken me years to come to grips with how things happened, how I was to blame for so many things going wrong. Even worse, I kicked myself because God told me -even in the middle of my treachery – that it would be 5 years after I was completely His again before I would have the family I so desired. And still, I think it was 18 months until the BIG turn-around.

How could I have been so stupid? Why did I waste so much time when I knew what God wanted from me? How will I ever be able to forgive myself, even though I know that God has forgiven me? Not to mention, the numerous ways I mistreated Rob.

I haven’t thought about these things and bemoaned them in AGES. I don’t even remember the last time I felt guilt over them. AND I KNOW that the guilt I feel is straight from the enemy. I changed my ways, asked for forgivenes, and I was free. Except that I kept going back to the guilt.

When you’re entrenched in sinful ways in the manner that I was, there are many many things that have been said and done so that they become trigger points later, even when you’re trying to forget about them. Why can’t my mind glide to the times when we walked on the beach in Charleston with my (now deceased) Uncle Charlie? Why can’t I think about the many dates Rob took me on in the 5 years of our courtship? Why can’t I remember the day my cousin Ashton was born, or the family camping trip? Why can’t I relive the times with niece Mindy spent sitting on the dock at the lake, making up songs? WHY DOES IT ALWAYS HAVE TO BE ME IN THAT HORRIBLE PLACE OF DARKESS? Blehhhh.

But until recently I hadn’t thought about any of it.

And then yesterday, for a long moment, I was tempted beyond what I could resist. I thought about one of the people I had been associated with at the time. Then I thought it would be great to talk to that person. Then I thought I’d see if they wanted to get together sometime. “And hey!” my mind raced, “Rob is gone this week so you don’t have to even ask him!”

THAT, my friends, was the final straw for me.

I was in the basement at work, alone, when I was thinking these things. I shouted, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I will not! I won’t! And in the name of Jesus Christ, evil one you get away from me and stop your tempting!”

I was so freaked out. For the rest of yesterday I was a bit jarred that I was actually planning in my mind how to “get away with”  doing these things which were so hurtful to myself, and to Rob and to our marriage, and to our families. The number of fights that MY behavior caused… are just staggering. I am still ashamed.

Last night I decided to finish reading my latest Janette Oke book, A Bride for Donnigan. (Loved it!) And at the end, Donnigan is leading his family to the Lord. He mentioned something in Romans 12, and I looked it up. Then Rob called for our nightly chat, and I told him about my temptation yesterday. I was a bit afraid, but I know from things in the past that I have to tell him the hard and ugly truth, lest the enemy use secrets as leverage against me.

Rob told me that they talked about THAT VERY THING in seminary classes  yesterday! How awesome is that! God had given Rob special understanding about my situation before I even confessed it!  We talked for a while and Rob mentioned that his instructor said something like Stop Drop and Roll, only it was   ——–, ——- and pray. I’ll write it here later if Rob can remember.

And then this morning I was reading further in Romans and found this, which sums it up nicely:

Romans 13:14

Clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the sinful nature.

Blown Completely Away

Rob wrote this to me while he was away this weekend. I was blown away and I want to be a better wife because of the same reasons.

Saturday, May 16, 2009 3:20 PM

Dearest Jay,

I am reminded, as I have been apart from you for some 77 hours, that I can be fine when I am away from you, but I cannot be great or good.

I am sorry for the times that I have been:

· Slow to respond to your requests for my attention
· Slow to respond to requests for my action or assistance
· Too tired to spend time awake and interactive with you
· Too absorbed in the work of ministry to give you the attention that you deserve
· Too absorbed with the Internet things or television programs that I like to watch or do to give you the attention that you deserve

God has called me into this work of ministry in the local church and I cannot resist that call for fear of it burning in my bones. God has put his people in my heart and I cannot stop praying for them, teaching them, ministering with them, preaching to them, or caring from them, but that calling does not nor should it supersede the covenant relationship that I have with you in our marriage. The marriage that I must remind myself that God has helped us to rebuild into something strong and beautiful after the cares and temptations of the world had made it into something dirty and immoral and broken to pieces.

I wish to reaffirm with my words and my actions, my love and my caring for you. I wish to rededicate myself to giving you food from my heart rather than the crumbs that fall from the table.

I have a strong will, a strong mind, and a strong soul, but you are my heart and my passion. I can be fine without you, but I cannot be great or good without you.

Will you continue to be my bride and my wife, my partner and my helpmate?
Will you continue to be my friend, compatriot, and cohort?
Will you continue to be my confidant and lover?

This scripture from Ephesians 5:22-30 was laid on my heart and my mind this afternoon:

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, in order to make her holy by cleansing her with the washing of water by the word, so as to present the church to himself in splendor, without a spot or a wrinkle or anything of the kind – yes, so that she may be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as they do their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hates his own body, but nourishes it and tenderly cares for it, just as Christ does for the church, because we are members of his body.

You are a member of my body, no less than my good left arm is a part of my body. I am crying real tears as I type this because I feel convicted that I have not loved, and nourished and cared for you, as I should have since we have made the transition to the Big City for service in full time ministry.

I wish to celebrate our life together in the Big City, in ministry, as pastor and laywoman, and more importantly as husband and wife, TOGETHER. Not struggling through the challenges that we face as separate rulers of our own domains, but as partners in love and in Christ.

I feel responsible, that you would not have to be so strong and so hard in your words and actions, if I nurtured, and cherished, washed and nourished your whole being and truly treated you as my own body.

In my eyes and in my heart you truly are beautiful and glorious, pure and splendid without blemish, wrinkle, or spot.

Please forgive me for my shortcomings and shortfalls as your husband.
After 16 plus years of marriage, thank you for being my lovely bride and my loving wife.

With all of the love in my heart, the cup that God fills to overflowing,
Rob

So Angry !!!!!!!!!!!!

Something happened one week ago for which I had been waiting 17 years.

Angelina found my sister Dotty on Facebook. Dotty and I rejoiced over it. Angelina and I talked until 12:30 am that day, and she talked with my sis until 2 am.

My heart was bursting out of my chest. Such joy!

My older brother James went out with Angelina his first two years of college. He was engaged to be married to her and suddenly broke it all off. We missed her so, but wanted to be true to our brother, so we never were in contact with her again.

That was in late 1991 and early 1992. And when I finally did try and talk with her, she and her family had moved. Rob and I were married in 1993, and worked our fingers to the bone until about 1997, when I went back to school. Then we took turns working and going to school, and then had some very serious marital issues we needed to work out. Then Rob decided to be a pastor and Bob’s your uncle, here we are now.

What I’m saying is that Angelina was always in my heart and at the back of my mind, but I never felt like it was my business to track her down.

• Am I glad she got into contact with Dotty and me? YES!
• Am I glad that she’s meeting my parents for lunch tomorrow, whilst also dropping her daughter (of the man to whom she is married) off at his folks’ house? NOT IN THE LEAST!
• How do I feel about the fact that my mom TOLD MY BROTHER (who is at best in a rocky relationship with his wife) about Angelina and tomorrow’s meeting? HOW THE FREAK DO YOU THINK I FEEL?!?! I AM ABSOLUTELY LIVID!!!!!!!

How can my parents do this to James? And Darla, his wife, and my niece Cassie? OK so Darla hates us all and we don’t like her. And frankly James and Darla don’t seem to make each other happy or get along too well. But geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez!!!!!!!! Is marriage not sacred to these people?!?!?!?!??!?!?!!??

Dotty and I are equally dismayed over recent developments. And I’m sorry to say that I am planning on purposely avoiding my folks until I am a bit less angry with them.

I just cannot believe their error in judgment. What the heck!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!

Perfect Submission

I sat down at my computer about 45 minutes ago, my heart disquieted. My head is so clouded sometimes that I can’t gather my thoughts enough to even pray. I wanted to write a post. I wanted to pray for Rob in his ministry, his schooling, and one other thing on the Horizon for him, for us.

I threw up a little “God, help Rob, please. Help me know what to pray for” prayer. And instantly the phone rang. It was Rob.

He gave me two addresses. They were addresses of a church and a parsonage in the Little Big City about 30 minutes from here. The Superintendent wants Rob (and me) to consider taking this as a full-time gig.  It’s in NO WAY a sure thing, he just wants Rob’s permission to put his name through to the next round of talks.

Tonight, I went shoe shopping with Net for her son’s wedding a week from Saturday. She couldn’t find anything that would fit her because she has a wide foot. After I came home and watched Eureka, Rob and I talked a little and then I started baking chocolate chip muffins.

I was at my table scooping out batter into the muffin cups when the Lord said to my heart, “I will be with you always, even until the end of the age.” That’s a goodie for sure, but it’s the verse that I used on Rob last Sunday before he went off to school in Ohio. I truly love how God uses our own words (HIS own words that we quoted) to reassure us and show us His love.

The other two things rolling around in my mind are that no matter what happens on this Earth, I will live in Heaven with my God and Saviour for all eternity. And that if I submit to God’s will, things will turn out better than I could have imagined on my own.

And add to that, I am still over here in my own corner, dancing so hard because the Lord God delivered me from the pit those few years ago. Praise God!

Whom Shall I Fear?

At the end of “Who Am I” by Casting Crowns, is the lyric:

Whom shall I fear, whom shall I fear? Cuz I am yours. I am yours.

Here’s the video to play whilst reading this message, written especially for my darling sister, Dotty.

I used to be very afraid, all of the time. Not just a little afraid, but A LOT afraid. Unless I was in complete control, I was on the verge of a meltdown. Praise God I have been delivered from that kind of fear.

This song, “Who Am I” as well as “Voice of Truth” both by Casting Crowns came into my life as just the right time. About a week before we went on vacation one year, my neighbor Tammy handed over a CD she’d made for our travels. I can remember quite vividly driving through the snowy, icy mountain roads, freaking out, and listening to these two songs over and over. That was the very last time that complete panic overwhelmed me. It was the first time I felt like I had been completely delivered because I didn’t go down and stay down. Praise God for delivering me!

My point in writing this is that I shall fear noone and nothing! Just look at the words of Psalm 27:

 1 The LORD is my light and my salvation—
       whom shall I fear?
       The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
       of whom shall I be afraid?

 2 When evil men advance against me
       to devour my flesh, 
       when my enemies and my foes attack me,
       they will stumble and fall.

 3 Though an army besiege me,
       my heart will not fear;
       though war break out against me,
       even then will I be confident.

Praise be to the Father, Son and Holy Spirit for delivering me from my own personal hell of panic attacks. Why do I go on so about this? If you’d had them, you would know why I rejoice! But the subject today isn’t about me, it’s about my sister-fair.

Dotty is taking a trip next weekend. Rob and my parents and I are taking the same trip! We will be in the same city for an entire day and I am thrilled. I am going to meet the man who may be my sister’s husband before the next year comes and goes!

Dotty had an awful feeling in her gut that something terrible would happen at home while she is away. She was filled with fear when she called me tonight. I was driving home from Trina and The Brain’s house (totally the best friends, EVER! Even “boring” times are great fun!) and she called to tell me every little thing. One thing kept ringing in my brain: The evil one wants Dotty to be AFRAID of this meeting. He knows that Dotty’s Lamar and our whole family are going to get along wonderfully and it makes him angry, so he’s being a jerk, like always, and making trouble where there should be none.

 5 For in the day of trouble
       he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
       he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle
       and set me high upon a rock.

 6 Then my head will be exalted
       above the enemies who surround me;
       at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy;
       I will sing and make music to the LORD.

I still sing and make music to the Lord because He freed me from my prison of fear. My earnest prayer is the Dotty will ask the Lord to stand up with her and fight this fear head-on. Rob and I are praying tonight and will continue to pray until it’s all said and done. You can count on us, darling sister o’ mine.

13 I am still confident of this:
       I will see the goodness of the LORD
       in the land of the living.

 14 Wait for the LORD;
       be strong and take heart
       and wait for the LORD.

Be strong, Dotty-fair. Take heart and wait for the Lord. Oh sissy! It’s so hard sometimes to wait on Him. It’s hard to know if you’re doing the right thing. Remember that the theif (the enemy) comes to steal, kill and destroy. The enemy doesn’t care if you’re happy or sad, and he surely doesn’t want you talking to God about any of it.

Whenever you are afraid, pray to the Lord. And then get angry, directing your anger toward that fear. The Lord did not give us a spirit of fear.

2 Timothy 1:7 (Amplified Bible)

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control.

That means that FEAR comes from the evil one and not from God. Every good and perfect gift comes from God. Check this out:

James 1:17 (The Message)

 16-18So, my very dear friends, don’t get thrown off course. Every desirable and beneficial gift comes out of heaven. The gifts are rivers of light cascading down from the Father of Light. There is nothing deceitful in God, nothing two-faced, nothing fickle. He brought us to life using the true Word, showing us off as the crown of all his creatures.

Dotty, GOD is in control of our lives. We need to follow after Him wholeheartedly. Do what He tells you to, but do NOT be paralyzed with fear of something over which you have no control. I love you, sweet sister. Call me tomorrow after lunch.

**hugs**

Knight in Shining Armor

My maternal grandfather lived most of his life in South Carolina. He had a large family there, of brothers, cousins, aunts and uncles, even his Mom Tempe, who lived until about 1978.  “Grandpa ‘Strap” came to be in Michigan whilst on leave from the Army, and met my grandma at the restaurant where she worked. They hit it off and dated a while, then conceived my mom in the bandbox of the outdoor theater in the Town where I live. (Lord only knows why my grandma shared that info with my mom!)

They were married shortly after my mom was born, and remained so for two years, until my Grandma could no longer put up with my Grandpa’s drunkenness. They were divorced, though they remained very much in love until their dying days (which, incidentally, were 3 months apart). I saw a tender exchange between them when my mom dropped us off, with Grandpa, to Grandma’s house while her whole family was away at school and work. Grandma and Grandpa held hands across the table and looked at each other the way my parents always did when I was a kid… and the way Rob and I do now. Just such love and tenderness, without words really. But at age 9, I was more alert than most kids…

My mom, dad, brother, sister and I always used to visit Grandpa ‘Strap in South Carolina at Easter Break. The year before he passed on, we went at Thanksgiving and had our Turkey Sandwich Picnic at a gorgeous rest stop on the Blue Ridge Parkway. Grandma Tempe’s nurse became Grandpa’s live-in, and after Grandpa passed on, we sort-of adopted her family. There was a daughter, her husband, and 4 sons: Kim, Bob, Jeb, Ben.

We were in South Carolina for Spring Break again at age 12 where Ben and I fell “madly in love” with each other… so much as 12-year-olds can. Dotty and Kim were equally as infatuated, though Kim was 19 years old. To be fair, Dotty and I looked and acted much older than we were, so it wasn’t surprising that this “older boy” liked her.

We all wrote back and forth furiously and that summer, their whole family came North for a visit. It was great fun, only Kim didn’t come, but the dorky brother Jeb did. Ben came, though, so my heart was eternally glad.

For years after that, I had always hoped that Ben would just come driving up to my house while I was busy-at-work, with no notice, and just rescue me from my life, like a Knight in Shining Armor. But it never happened, and soon I had fallen head-over-heels for my darling Rob, so those daydreams rightly went by the wayside.

I’m reading another Louise May Alcott book, Jack and Jill. It’s really quite like Little Women in tone, and for that I am glad. This sentence set me to thinking about the situation I just described:

“Merry was a thoughtful girl, full of innocent fancies, refined tastes, and romantic dreams, in which no one sympathized at home…”

I did have romantic dreams. I did wish that someone would rescue me from my life, but then I grew up and worked really hard and made a life with Rob. And as I was reminiscing all those years while doing yardwork or washing dishes and hoping to see Ben come walking up the drive, in my mind, it was my darling Rob that I so wished to see.

Memories are funny little things, and can change on you if you don’t watch them. I’m just ever-so-thankful that my knight DID come, and that he is my husband, Rob.

Love you, Honey!

A Dose of Positivity

As I mentioned in yesterday’s post, Rob and I watched our wedding video yesterday. The camcorder was stationary, so I was the only one of us who could be seen throughout the entire video, until Nelson (my sister’s ex) moved the camera when it came time for the receiving line.

Something about the video made me melancholy. To the point that I hadn’t wanted to watch it, but every 4 or 5 years. But I never figured it out until yesterday…

 I looked so sad on the video. I was happy. I remember my wedding quite vividly. I remember that it was nearly an hour of me steaming in my own sweat in a long-sleeved gown and a crinoline that clung to me like a slice of cheese on a warm hot-dog. I remember feeling so nervous and hot that I thought I might pass out, and that Rob kept asking if I was going to be OK. The video shows, and I remember shaking my head and saying, “No, I’m NOT ok.” I remember letting go of Rob’s hand several times to wipe the sweat off my hands.

We went up on the altar to light our Unity Candle (then it was quite a new practice) and Rob nearly lit the altar on fire because his single candle fell on a pile of tulle. That happening made me laugh, and things lightened up afterward.

The video shows me mouthing (while some friends literally butchered a song in the background), “I love you so much, Rob.”

THAT is what I truly remember about my wedding day. The love. And it’s sad that our video only shows my nervousness and frustration at 1000 things which were going on around me that I didn’t have control over.

If there was something I know know that I wish I knew then it’s this: Stick a smile on your face and at least look like you’re having a good time. Eventually (for me anyway) I can fool myself into having a delightful, stress free time at an event, if I just make a little more effort.

A little dose of positive energy goes a very long way. And that’s something I truly wish I could make my brother-in-law, Ken understand. I guess that was the most frustrating part of our entire weekend, that Ken is always talking about how he doesn’t get a fair shake. That he works hard and it isn’t noticed. That he tries to pay all his bills and work really hard, but it doesn’t make any difference.

I am LIVING PROOF that if you look for the blessings and stop dwelling on the bad parts, that your life can’t help but improve. OK so maybe it’s taken 10 years to improve. Stick a smile on your face and ACT carefree, and you will notice that, ok the problems don’t go away overnight, but the burden seems to lessen.

And the Lesson? TRUST IN THE LORD GOD ALMIGHTY! Hang around with people, talk with people who put their trust in the Lord. Because, WHOA! I can’t do this thing on my own, and I need to be CONSTANTLY REMINDED where my hope lies.

Every Trainwreck

Possible subtitles for this post include:

1. Maturity. What to do when you get it and your former friend doesn’t.
2. Don’t get caught up in every emotional trainwreck that comes your way.
3. Effects of “Life before Christ” trying to bite me in the butt… but guess what! My Guy wins every time!
4. Thank GOD I am not like that anymore.
5. **throwing hands in the air**
6. I moved on with my life, now YOU get a life!
7. When Jayleigh met the Man from Tennessee (thanking God that’s over)
8. Don’t pull me on your emotional rollercoaster.
9. My husband is amazing.
10. My God is amazing.

I got a call today from an old friend. He was one I “met” 9 years ago online. I thought he was amazing and so “with it.” In the end, it turned out he was a thrill seeker, a cheat, a liar and a mooch. And when paired with him, I was not a whole lot better.

He was the reason I moved my blog. Sure, he knows about this blog, but he’s so self-centered that he will never read it. The address of my old blog (ru.pe.tup.e) was a nickname he called me for fun. And sure those days seemed fun.

Processing… Me or Meat?

When I was a kid, we went to a local slaughter house for all of our meat. Rather, we grew our own livestock and took it to the slaughter house to be dressed and packaged. My folks usually went to the one owned by my Aunt’s family, and inside was this picture to the right. Yeah, it is really gross. I just made this one in Photoshop, but theirs was a drawing. As as kid I was completely fascinated by it. But I never understood it until now.

To me, this picture is the epitome of believing the lies of the devil. You hear what sounds like logic. You follow that logic to it’s ugly conclusion. And then what’s left?

For me, what was left was just enough faith to call out to God “one last time” before I really stopped believing. I said, “Can you forgive me for all of this? I want to come back to you, but can you forgive me for all my years of following after all those lies?”

And Jesus opened up his arms and spoke a resounding “Yes.”

Not a Fighter

I got my haircut yesterday and playing on the XM radio at the salon was a plethora of Michael Jackson hits. I related to my stylist (at 25, nearly 10 whole years younger than me!) about the time in 5th grade that BFF Terri and I sat behind the school with her actual Old School tape recorder and played such hits as MJ’s Thriller, Beat It, The Girl is Mine, Billy Jean and my favorite, PYT.

 There’s a line I quoted to my stylist from the duet with Paul McCartney “The Girl is Mine” where MJ sings, “I’m a lover, not a fighter, Paul.”

And that’s what I’m proclaming today:

I’m a Lover, not a Fighter

I’m being pulled in 100 different directions emotionally right now. In no way am I about to snap. It’s just unfamiliar territory and I don’t know how to react.

On one hand, I feel very strongly that I’m being told to stand up and fight. Only, I don’t know how to fight for what it is that I want.

On the other hand, I don’t want to trample over anyone to get to my goal. I want to show the love of Jesus to the other person. I am accustomed to helping people out of their bad circumstances and not using their poor decisions and bad circumstances to my own benefit.

[If you know exactly what I am talking about, please comment to me via the "talk to me" link on my sidebar.]

So in the end, I feel that “standing up and fighting” refers to the following:

1. Praying without ceasing for the individuals involved.

2. Showing Jesus’ love to everyone, even if I think it might kill me.

3. Knowing whose hands my future is in, and professing it to anyone who wants to know.

4. Keeping up the faith. Hebrews 11:1 states:  Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

5. Making myself available for when it is that I do need to act in a major way.

Sounds like a breeze, doesn’t it? At least Rob is here to help me with the spinning plates.

Not Who I Was

I had an epiphany last night. I had been playing my piano for a long time and was working on a new hymn. I was so moved by the words and just laid my head on the piano and cried. I’m so thankful that I am not the same person as I was at my lowest.

I Love My Husband

I can remember the day I told Rob, when he came home from work, that I was leaving him if things didn’t change. He was away from home around 65 hours a week at a job that took him so far away from me physically and mentally. He was so into his work, and we were chasing “The American Dream,” which was more like a nightmare.

I was tired of being at the bottom of his prioity list. And I made no effort to be nice and “love” him back to a good place in our relationship. I was mean and I told him I was walking out if he didn’t change.

Well, he changed a little, and then I changed for the worse. I decided to stay, but I talked online with dozens of people (mainly men), to whom I told my story over and over ad nauseam. What I didn’t understand is that in talking to all these people who were not Rob, and not God, I was indeed walking out. For about 5 years, I literally handed my life over to the evil one to wreak havoc on Rob and me.

Not sure why I felt the need to tell you all this tonight, just that Rob’s gone for the weekend to Seminary. I am home alone with the dogs-n-cats, and I couldn’t be happier.

I love Rob so much. He is an amazing man and I am constantly awestruck by his willingness to do God’s work while keeping a 40+ hour job (the same company he worked for when our marriage went awry). Rob loves me so much and is so perfectly matched to me. His is a blessing in every single way, and I love him more than I can express here.

My heart is glad that God finally got through to me, via several channels, and that together, we worked to put my life back together. Coming back from the pit is never easy, and there were several backsliding moments. But God created in me a new heart, and a steadfast spirit within me.

Praise God for hearing my cry!

Praise God for healing my heart!

Praise God for repairing our marriage!

Praise God for making me see beauty in my life again!

Praise God for Rob’s passionate love for Him!

Praise God for my family, who never stopped loving me.

Praise God that Rob and I stopped being stupid and came back together, now so much better than ever!

Praise God that we don’t have to fear!

Praise God that I can feel the sunshine on my face, when before I could not!

Praise God that He is faithful!

Praise God that as humans, we can learn from our mistakes and choose not to repeat them!

Praise God that, even though I am not worthy, He still loves me just like I was the only person in all of  creation!

Praise God! Praise God! Praise God!

I can’t dance hard enough, ’cause yesterday is gone, gone, gone!

Artist : Chris Rice
Song : Smellin’ Coffee

Lyrics :

Last thing I remember, sayin’ bye to yesterday
Glad to see it over, pullin’ covers over my head
But what were You doin’ while I dreamt teh night away
‘Cause I can tell that somethin’s different and my eyes ain’t even open yet

I’M SMELLIN’ COFFEE
BIRDS ARE SINGIN’ JUST OUTSIDE
HERE COMES YOUR MERCY STREAMIN’ IN WITH THE MORNING LIGHT
MY HEART IS RACING WAKING UP TO YOUR SMILE
IT’S A GOOD MORNING, YEAH
IT’S A GOOD MORNING

Well I remember readin’ You’re the God who never sleeps
And while I’ve been dreamin’ You’ve been singing over me, yeah
Singin’ about my freedom, wakin’ me up to hear Your song, and now I can’t dance hard enough
‘Cause yesterday is gone, gone, gone!

I’M SMELLIN’ COFFEE
BIRDS ARE SINGIN’ JUST OUTSIDE
HERE COMES YOUR MERCY STREAMIN’ IN WITH THE MORNING LIGHT
MY HEART IS RACING WAKING UP TO YOUR SMILE
IT’S A GOOD MORNING, YEAH
IT’S A GOOD MORNING

Every little breath, every heartbeat is a gift of love that You give to me
You keep givin’ even when I’m asleep ’cause I know You never stop watching over me
I wake up, my past is gone
‘Cause Your mercy’s new with the mornin’ sun
I’m forgiven, I’m free, it’s a brand new day
‘Cause Your faithfulness is the greatest! (hey!)

I’M SMELLIN’ COFFEE
BIRDS ARE SINGIN’ JUST OUTSIDE
HERE COMES YOUR MERCY STREAMIN’ IN WITH THE MORNING LIGHT
MY HEART IS RACING WAKING UP TO YOUR SMILE
IT’S A GOOD MORNING, YEAH
IT’S A GOOD MORNING

Going Through Pictures

What started out as rebooting laundry, turned into a 2 and a half hour job this afternoon. I’d gotten up from a short nap and went to sort a little laundry, when I spied a box of photos and scrapbooking stuff  on the floor of the guest room. (The guest room which apparently we’re supposed to finish up in the next week and a half, because that was the word I got when praying about other things this morning.)

I ended up going through many pictures from when I was a small child, a teenager just beginning to date Rob, and then wedding pictures, pictures of me in fat clothes and skinny clothes, and in very bad times in my life.  There were also pictures from very good days, like this one when I really, really understood how it must feel to be a mom. I actually posess the photograph from when Mindy and I were sitting on the cement slab before her father came over. You could see it on our faces, the happiness and family togetherness.

And of course there were photos of my grandparents and my parents as youngsters. And then that huge looming deadline of October 7 hanging over my head. That’s when I must have completed a 40th Wedding Anniversary photo album for my parents. And I know they’re thinking that Dotty is coming home from California for the occasion, but she’s not. And I kind of feel bad about that too.

Workity Work Work

I had a superbad day at work on Friday. I was completely messed up until 7 o’clock. I talked it out with Rob, and prayed about what went wrong, and then I just felt a huge surge of compassion toward my boss and co-worker.

I have hope that they don’t have. And I need to keep praying for them out of obedience and love of Jesus, that they might one day have the same hope as me, instead of dealing solely in the details of this world.

Bag of Receipts

I am going through our file cabinet today. I went to put the phone book away and the cabinet bulged under the heft of too-many-years of receipts. I only meant to clear out things older than 7 years.

I came across a ziploc bag of receipts. I didn’t know what they were until I saw at the top of one:

 Holiday Inn Downtown

Harrison Street Grill

Chicago, IL

That takes me back a few years. The date is June 13, 2002. If you’d asked me 20 minutes ago, I couldn’t have said which year Rob’s first Plastic Surgery took place. It was such a horribly traumatic time for us both, and most of the time I’d rather forget that my husband’s face is completely different now than when we fell in love.

I only remember snippets of this time we were in Chicago. My mom was with me for a few days, and the last day Rob was back at the hotel with me. Most of the dinners I ate at Harrison Street Grill, my server was a lovely man named Marcus. If they weren’t busy, he’d sit down and talk with me while we ate. In the bag of receipts, I even found Marcus’ phone number he’d written down in case I had any problems or needed directions.

My mind was so addled, I don’t even remember getting his number, but I must have given him mine, too… because I do remember a few days after we came home, he called to see if Rob was doing alright. We talked a few times during Rob’s recovery, but it was one of those relationships where I don’t believe it was ever meant to be anything beyond being at the right place at the right time.

June 9, 2002 – 7:05 PM

Harrison Street Grill

Dinner for Rob, Mom and me – $30.19

June 10, 2002 – 6:49 AM

Harrison Street Grill

Breakfast for Mom and me – $15.91 

June 10, 2002 – 11:30 AM

Rush Presbyterian  Cafeteria

Lunch for Mom and me – $10.05

June 11, 2002 – 7:35 AM

Harrison Street Grill

Breakfast for Mom and me – 15.91

June 11, 2002 – 1:02 PM

Rush Cafeteria

Lunch for Mom and me        $11.29 

June 11, 2002 – 8:44 PM

Harrison Street Grill

Dinner for Mom and me – $14.82

June 12, 2002 – 8:02 AM

Harrison Street Grill

Breakfast for Mom and me – $16.90

June 12, 2002 – 9:30 AM

Rush Gift Shop

Balloons for Rob – $8.70

June 12, 2002 – 12:36 PM

Rush Cafeteria

Lunch for me – $4.90

June 12, 2002 – 6:35 PM

Harrison Street Grill

Dinner for me – $9.60

June 13, 2002 – 8:45 AM

Harrison Street Grill

Breakfast for me – $13.12

June 13, 2002 – 12:50 PM

Dominick’s Grocery Store

Lunch for me, plus Rx’s and Ensure for Rob – $72.73

June 13, 2002 – 5:08 PM

Harrison Street Grill

Dinner for Rob and me – $19.19

June 14, 2002 – 9:08 AM

Harrison Street Grill

Breakfast for me – $6.80

June 14, 2002 – 10:27 AM

Canal Street Dominick’s Grocery Store

Deli Soup for Rob, water – $10.58

Miscellaneous:

Dominick’s Grocery Store       46.90

June 15, 2002

Holiday Inn Hotel & Suites, Downtown Chicago

6 day’s lodging for 2 guests – $574.10

6 day’s  parking for my car – $120.00

I didn’t want to relive that week in Chicago, but I needed to. My living room floor is currently strewn with receipts and things I’d like to forget, but they are the past, MY past, and perhaps by keeping some of them a while longer, we won’t let ancient history repeat itself.