Great Auntie Jay

I am a great-aunt today. My mom-in-law, Bebe came into Work to tell me. I am sure she did not know how those words would rip through my heart like fire. Bebe, for all her faults, is a good woman, whom I love dearly for being the mother of my sweet Rob. But she really doesn’t think about things before she says them.

Rob’s nephew’s (and Kodiak’s former owner) and his wife’s baby was born today at noon. Drew was 2 years old when Rob and I began dating. The first thing he ever said to me, when I was just 15 years old and pretending I would sit on his lap, were, “Don’t sit on my P.en.1.s!!!!!!” I laughed so hard and my future s-i-l came into the room and asked why I was laughing when her son just used the correct term for that body part. I still giggle about that today. Drew has always been my little sweetheart. And now he’s a Daddy.

And now I am what? A great-aunt.

And I’m focusing on not having a child of my own? Geeeez Jayleigh. What is your deal today? Can you ever just laugh and rejoice with the Rejoicers? (btw the band name for our praise team at church) and cry with the ones who mourn?!!

Why, when you just gave a soliloquy to your mama yesterday about how it doesn’t hurt your soul anymore to be childless, are you in MOURNING, as though a child had been ripped from your arms?

I don’t get it. I am a good person! Why?!

But now I’m thinking… Cousin Regina called me tonight, saying that a friend’s brother’s aunt’s cousin’s schoolmate’s 13 year old sister (or something like that) is pregnant in the county through which we are foster parents. Regina was thinking maybe maybe we’d be called on to help when the State steps in and removes the soon-to-be-born little one from the home.

[outside my bedroom window are 3 little boys jumping on their new trampoline... so cute!]

So my mind is again thinking of the possibility that God wants to use me in HIS scheme, instead of me let Him fit into my scheme.

Why does it always come down to my having faith or not?

I DO have faith. I DO believe. I don’t know how it’s going to happen, but the Lord promised Rob and me a family. And I trust in Him 100% to deliver on that promise, even if I am an old woman and Rob is 100 years old when it happens. I know from the depths of my soul that God will follow through. Just watch and wait with me a little while longer.

In Him,

Jayleigh

Standing Alone

Musings

In her towel, she stands shivering, looking out the window onto the frozen, snowy landscape. “Six more weeks,” she whispers to herself, “and this will be my home no more.”

In the shower she broke down just now, asking God how can 36 years have gone by so quickly, praying for a change, for something to switch, so she may please have the desire of her heart.

Memories of Her Life

She remembers being in her front yard, age 7, and thinking that more than anything in the world, she wanted to be a mommy, to have her own children. Her twin wants to be a scientist, her brother wants to be a farmer or an engineer, but She… just wants to be a mommy.

She remembers at age 17, going into the 24-hour department store with some high school chums. They were having a night out, and went to get some supplies. Walking through the baby section, she lifted out a little baby’s dress and admired it. Her friends all nominate her the first to have children, “early and often… at least 12 of them.”  She is embarassed but agrees that she wants a whole house full.

Then at 20 when she is married. The first night of marriage, and she is hoping and praying that she will get pregnant. She knows it’s a stupid fantasy, but she can’t help the romanticism of getting pregnant on her wedding night. A friend did, so why not her?

And at age 26, the first time going to a Fertility Dr. She is beaten down completely. She doesn’t believe any longer that God is watching out for her. She doesn’t believe anything, just that she wants a baby. Her marriage is a bit rocky, but she feels like a baby would make things come back full-circle. Besides, all of her friends are on baby #2, and isn’t it about time for her?

Then at age 30, her marriage in completely in the crapper. She and her darling almost lose everything, so they scrap plans for a baby. They work on themselves. He has surgery on his jaw, twice, and then the Lord shows him a vision, that in 10 years from that date, they will have their own child, putting him on the bus for Kindergarten. He looks like them both, so they know it’s their flesh and blood.

And then at age 35 when she isn’t pregnant, she knows that the last 5 years of not worrying so much about being pregnant are a complete blessing.

Then two days after her 36th birthday, she is home alone. Hubby at the barber shop, kiddo at a guitar lesson. It’s the first time she’s had unpressured and completely alone in weeks, if not months. And she breaks down. She cries and she screams. She prays to God that this pain is rendered inert.

Heartwrenching Agony

She begs, she pleads, and then comes to her senses. She knows that God is with her. She knows that He has a plan for her that is beyond her wildest dreams and imaginations. She knows that she is in the palm of His hand and that he would never leave or forsake her.

And yet she still wonders how on earth she will get by, get through, and make this move, and continue on with this foster daughter, and be a good wife, and a good mom and a good friend, and a good aunt, and a good sister, and a good person, who shows the love of Jesus to everyone with whom she has contact.

Am I Crazy?

So I have one question for anyone who is still reading. Is she crazy?

The jury is out for the moment. But my personal opinion is that her years of building up walls around herself to shield her from unpleasantness are coming down. She’s becoming real again. And real sometimes hurts. But real is good.

And furthermore, I know that I am in the Lord’s hand. I know that He is working out His plan. And if that plan never does hold a child of my own flesh, then there must be some reason, even if from this angle it seems a bit cruel. The God I love and the God I serve is a loving father, One who wants only the best things for me.

Please Comment

There I leave you to comment. Please do. And thank you.

Dearest Rob, my Darling

Rob,

What hasn’t happened this year that we have weathered together, with God?

But you know, to weather something and come through on the other side… that takes leadership and drive, wisdom and patience. God has blessed you with those things, and I thank you for sharing them with me, and for being a family together.

Honey, I know I have changed in countless ways since Stormy came to live with us. I keep wondering if we’re truly “OK”, because you’ve changed too and we don’t just get to talk about our feelings in the middle of an episode of Scrubs anymore.

Several times in the last two days, the Lord has whispered to my heart, “I am right beside you, Jayleigh.” It’s so comforting to know that He never leaves us. We need to always remember not to put our trust in mankind, but in the One who made heaven and earth, the One who is truly the heart and head of our marriage.

You were so adorable today at the furniture store. Stormy and I were being goofballs, but you were so awesome talking wiith the man who works there. Your heart for God shone right through while you were talking with him. Did you see how he is worried and unsure of his future? It was on his face.  But the more he talked with you, the more relaxed he became. You are an amazing pastor, and your love for every person shines through.

Thanks for tonight, Honey. I love you so dearly. Everything you do for Stormy and me, keeping this house running when I am completely out of steam, and making sure that there’s food in our tummies and clean floors.

I couldn’t ask for a better husband, lover and friend.

Thank you.

All my love,

Jayleigh

Some Things Just Hurt

There are things in life which hurt so much there are just no longer words to describe them. Currently at the top of my list is Walter, age 90ish, from our church in Middleton.

I walked to the basement to get Rob… he was talking with Walter about who knows what. Guy stuff, I though. The pair of them got up and walked to where I was standing, and Walter reached out to shake my hand. Only he didn’t let go. He was a bit choked up over something… then finally said:

“We are going to miss you here, Jayleigh. We will miss you and Rob together. You’ve brought something here that I can’t put my finger on, but it’s good. You know, I was lost for years. I have been coming here a very long time, but I have been lost for a while. I don’t know what happened, but I wasn’t right… with God.

I just wanted to say, that since you two have been here, something has changed in my heart. I don’t really know how, or what. Just, I’ve changed, and it began with the two of you, Rob and Jayleigh.

I know you don’t have any much say-so in leaving here, and I know it’s a good opportunity that you get to go and do… but you’re always welcome here, and we always love you. And you have made a difference here.

That was when Liza walked in to tell her grandpa that she had the car pulled around. Liza is SUCH a great friend to Rob and me. She’s in our Monday Night Group. Leaving those folks might just do me in for good.

It was amazing to have someone say how much we mean to them. Usually people don’t say such nice things until someone dies… and we’re fortunate enough to be around this group of amazing people who are openly affectionate and just REAL. Rob and I have been so blessed in Middleton. It’s tearing my heart out that we’re actually leaving.

But you know, we are truly excited about the ministry opportunity that we’ll have in Easton. I know that we’ve been led by the hand to this place, and that God is there in Easton as much as he was there in Middleton, as much as he was in Branton. (he!! All my fake names end in “ton”… even my cousin Ashton!)

Second on my list, for the first time in a long time, is my infertility. I so love the little ones in my life, but I find myself equal parts giddy and forlorn that I don’t have one of my own. Even if by “my own” I mean adopted.

It’s been a long time, but I am finding it difficult to listen to all my friends and coworkers talk about their babies at Christmastime. But you know, I shouldn’t be that way!

Stormy was in 7th heaven yesterday when we decorated the Christmas Tree.  She said they never made a big deal out of Christmas before, so this was HUGE for her. Also, she likes the red and gold and homespun theme of my tree, so we were all cool. She was like a little kid, so excited about everything. It was great and I loved watching Stormy and being a family together.

But there’s something missing. Is it because I know she isn’t permanent? Or because I haven’t known her from an infant? Or something altogether different?

WHY DO I STILL WANT THAT WHICH I CAN DO NOTHING TO CHANGE????????????????

How Could I be?

It’s the same thing that always happens:  close friends have a baby; I am mad at God for a bit (way over that today!); and then I rejoice in the wonderful new little one in my friends’ lives.

How can someone be mad at God (you listening, self?) when this sweet little girl is the reason you’re mad? How can this warm and snuggly little girl- and the happiness she has given her wonderful parents- be the reason to be angry?

Regarding my infertility, I’ve stopped asking why. I don’t want to know why. I am mostly at peace. As long as “at peace” means crying every few days, taking pg tests if I’m one day late in my cycle (I did this morning, and I’m “NOT”), and trying not to actually HATE this body of mine which WILL NOT COOPERATE!

• God says in Jeremiah 29:  11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future
• God says in Habakkuk 3: 17 Though the fig tree does not bud
         and there are no grapes on the vines,
         though the olive crop fails
         and the fields produce no food,
         though there are no sheep in the pen
         and no cattle in the stalls,

   18 yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
         I will be joyful in God my Savior.

• God says in Psalm 113:9 He settles the barren woman in her home
         as a happy mother of children. [bold is mine]
         Praise the LORD.

• God says in Ezekiel 12:22 “Son of man, what is this proverb you have in the land of Israel: ‘The days go by and every vision comes to nothing’? 23 Say to them, ‘This is what the Sovereign LORD says: I am going to put an end to this proverb, and they will no longer quote it in Israel.’ Say to them, ‘The days are near when every vision will be fulfilled. 24 For there will be no more false visions or flattering divinations among the people of Israel. 25 But I the LORD will speak what I will, and it shall be fulfilled without delay.

So in defiance of the evil one, and with love and passion for my Savior, I stand on the Lord, my God, my rock and my redeemer. I believe in His promises to Rob and me. I WILL NOT go back to my times of weeping and mourning. I will rejoice with our friends at the birth of their little one yesterday morning. I will laugh again. I will not be woebegone and sad.

Praise the Lord, who delivers me from every evil thing. Praise my Father, God, who is and was and is to come. Praise the Maker of Everything. May His name be glorified in my life. May Jesus be glorified in all my pitiful works.

Amen.

UPDATE – 10:27 AM

I just got off the phone with the new baby’s daddy. He called and talked to Rob for a few minutes, and asked how *I* was doing. He said he knew it was quite an emotional topic for me, and wondered if I was OK. I had started crying, because I overheard the absolutely selfless, generous words of a dear friend.

We talked for probably 20 minutes, and my heart is so glad for Mommy, Daddy and baby. I couldn’t be happier for this new family. Praise God for them, and for the miracle of new life!

One thing the New Daddy said to me struck quite a chord. We’ve known each other for 10 years now, and for 10 years he’s wanted to have kids. He dealt amazingly well through a bad marriage, and years of looking for Mrs. Right and finally found her and were married last September. They have a great marriage and now this sweet and beautiful little girl. And the New Daddy said today, “I feel so blessed, because I really thought I never would have children.”

I so know how it feels. And yet the Hope I have is amazing. God has made promises to Rob and me, and He cannot go against His own words. God has shown me that when I let Him heal my heart, that I can see the blessings all around me. And best of all, I got all the anger and jealousy out of my system BEFORE the New Daddy called to see if I was doing OK.

God really does have it all together. Praise His Name!

Rainy Mother’s Day

I’m going to mention 10 blessings before I even start this post, and perhaps it (the complaining) can be avoided all together.

1. Rob is an amazing husband, and I’m so proud of him as a man, and as a teacher (preacher!).
2. My parents are mostly restored back to health. I am so blessed to have them as dear friends and mentors to me. Who’d have thought I would say that 5 years ago, even?
3. Trina and The Brain are the absolute best friends we could ever ask for. My heart is so at-home when we’re sharing a meal or an evening. We love their girls so much and are blessed beyond reason to be friends with them.
4. I like the woman I have become… even IF she isn’t a mom. I know, because God’s told me over and over, that I will be a Mom with children. But that time hasn’t arrived yet. So this ol’ “Sarah” is buckling down for a long journey… and hoping it’s really a short one.
5. It’s a blessing to have a rainy day because that means I’m not outside working, but in my clean, warm home and resting after several days-in-a-row of work.
6. I feel like a million bucks in my new summer clothes. 
7. Pookie the Cat, doesn’t have feline leukemia! She’s going to live!
8. I took amazing photos of JessieLynn’s wedding.
9. Rob and I are blessed by love of people in his congregation.
10. My potato salad rocks so hard, it will shake you from your shoes!

OK. This post isn’t pointed at any blogger or e-friend. OK?

As a rule of thumb, people have no idea how hurtful a salutation of “Happy Mother’s Day” is to someone who’s struggled with infertility for 15 years (or ANY years!). But even worse, is when the non-mom walks into church and everyone greets each other with “HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!” all around, and just stares at their shoes when she walks by.

I was thinking a moment ago that I just wanted to know why this has to be such a darn struggle for me… but you know what? I don’t want to know why! Would I even understand or begin to fathom the plans God is working out for me? Probably not.

So I’m having a little hissy fit because I WANT TO BE A MOM, and even this Fostering stuff is going SSSSLLLLLLOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW! I want to be a mom now. This very minute. And I wouldn’t even mind a visit from the angel Gabriel saying that I am pregnant with a son “who shall be named James.”

OK I don’t need a visit from an Angel. But why WHY WHY can’t it be me?

Do you know why I have baby fever this minute? It’s because in less than three weeks, some friends who live far away, are going to have their very first child. And… I … am… jealous.

There. I said it.

I’m having a bad day because I am a big jealous whiny wimp.

[butt being kicked by self]

OK I’m better. Being honest with onesself is the most difficult thing, but if you can break through the 15 layers of LYING TO YOURSELF, then it’s really helpful. I feel 100 times better now.

 

Watched Pot Never Boils

I’m reading Emma again. I do love reading Jane Austen, but then it makes me talk like her… and at this moment I’m Miss Bates- oh have you heard that the watched pot never boils? Oh, said I, that is what my grandmama always used to say, and right she was, for it seems to take a lifetime for the pot to boil when one is watching it. Mr. Knightly- dear friend is he!– was just saying so the other night when he brought by some apples for dear Jane Fairfax, our darling Jane. Never was there a more accomplished musician. Never such a pleasant disposition, or one more concerned with……Yeah that was brutal, wasn’t it? Heheh.

Seriously, the watched pot never boils. The watched letter never arrives in the post. The news 15 years in the making will not come… and yet it’s coming. “Have faith and be patient a little while longer, my child” is the only answer to my  prayers. That’s not so bad, is it?

My Sister’s Boyfriend

Dotty’s boyfriend LaMar is a lawyer. I just finished talking to my twin sister about what her darling knew with regard to family law. Dotty said he is only licensed to practice in the state of New York, but that he can help Rob and me with questions we have regarding a possible adoption.

Remember my post,  A Tale of Two Jayleigh’s ? I wrote it over a year ago, and it’s time that Rob and I come out of hiding… somewhat.

Rob and I ask for your prayers regarding adoption and regarding having our own child. I’m still not ready to spill all of the details just yet, but know that two huge things have come up in the last week and I’m reeling from all the blessings. Nothing is a sure-bet, but our hope is in the Lord and not in mankind.

Even if it all amounts to nothing and Rob and I end up being foster parents (like we have been planning on!), we will still rejoice because it’s what God wants for our lives.

Not Patient

I’m not typically known as patient. I know, you don’t believe me, do you? It’s true, though.

You are all such a blessing to me with your sweet and encouraging comments. It helps the wait be not so brutal.

Do I want to hear more news about my news? OF COURSE. And is the person who could find out for me SO INCREDIBLY BUSY THIS WEEK? Yes she is.

So I go back to what I know:

• Praising the Lord without ceasing.
• Praying for all the people involved in any way.
• Praying that God’s good, perfect and pleasing will is done at every turn, by every person.
• Loving my neighbor as myself.
• Deep breaths.
• Giving of my time to others so the days go by quicker.
• Thanking God for wonderful friends.
• Thanking God for amazing opportunities.
• Asking forgiveness for the blunders I’m sure that I’m about to make.
• Actively not caring about the mistakes I’ll make because the good SO outweighs the bad.
• Praising God still more because I … just … ok, I knew but I didn’t know. Ya know?

That’s all. I’m still not any more together than I was a few days ago. Scatterbrained? Moi? Never. HA!

On the Brink

Reading something 100 times does not change its meaning. Thank God.

What do you do when you have prayed at great length for something, only to find that your prayers are on the brink of being answered? Do you keep your “nose to the grindstone” and keep on going and working toward your goal? Do you freak out because you never thought it would truly come to pass and now it’s so close and you just don’t know what to do because there’s so much to prepare for and yet it’s still not a sure bet, but you trust in your Lord God, the Savior of your life?

Um, that last one is me. As though you couldn’t tell.

This news is not yet ready for prime time. But do not worry, dear friends. I will have something to tell you in 6 or 8 weeks.

Meanwhile, know this:

Romans 5: 1-5

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

Stupid Tears

I’m pouting a little because I got roped in… reading sad, encouraging, happy, scary birthing stories again.

Last week I watched hour after hour of Bringing Home Baby on TLC. “Jayleigh,” I told myself, “This won’t be you. If/when you have a family, it just won’t be all smiles coming from a hospital with you as big as a house and crying happy tears after too little sleep and a 14-hour labor.”

And then I think,  It could be. No doctor ever told me I couldn’t have children. Just that it would be really, really difficult. Not impossible. Just seriously difficult.

And anyway, it wouldn’t take any medical intervention for me to be a great foster mom.

Waiting on a Miracle

Relinquishing Control 

I wonder what it is within me that makes me want to be in control of each and every little aspect of my life and the world around me. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not a control freak. I just want to be the boss of it all sometimes.

In a nutshell, I want to know why it’s been nearly 15 years and still there’s no baby.

I was bent over my desk a few minutes ago, listening to a song God put in  my heart this morning. I was also praying and bawling my eyes out. In the middle of all this noise in my ears and in my heart, I heard a clear message from God: Settle down and let me do what I am going to do.

So I need to stop striving. Just BE, Jayleigh.

The song was actually the last one I’ve posted from youtube. Enough, by Barlow Girl.

All of You is more than enough for
All of me for every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You
Is more than enough

God IS enough for me. I have my little plans here on earth, but God has bigger and better plans that I can’t even think of. I know what I need to do, and that’s to stop everything (not everything everything…. just stop striving) and chill, and know that even if there’s nothing else planned, that God is enough for me.

Fighting Battles

There are only just a small few people in my life who have any true idea of what Rob and I are going through, battling nearly 15 years of infertility. We don’t tell people because frankly, people don’t think before they speak. They say horrible things that nobody would ever say if they knew how bad they sounded, and they make us feel horrible. So we just don’t share that part of our lives with very many.

Whether this is true or not, it feels like we’re fighting the last huge battle right now. I’m trying to just chill and do whatever God asks of me, more to get my mind off everything than to “work my way” into having a child. I hate this territory because it’s familiar. I hate it because it’s always still unfamiliar.

Waiting on a Miracle

So I’m not really doing anything. I’m sitting here in my PJ’s, waiting for a friend to call when I should be making pie crust and bread, getting ready for Saturday’s big fundraiser at our church.

Rob and I are waiting on a miracle. We don’t know what or how or when. We just know it’s coming because God said so:

A Tale of Two Jayleighs

Corn Rows and Biker Dudes

OK so now it’s time to get around and do something before work today. God bless and keep each one of you, and may you see the sunshine of His face so clearly.

I feel particularly blessed right now. Peace which surpasses our understanding, anyone? I’ve got my share right now. Thank you, God!

What Would I Give

What would I give to be where she is, now 51 days in the hospital? She’s bored out of her mind, and worried, and unable to see friends and family very much.

In the last 4 weeks, her tummy has gotten impressively bigger. Her hair has gotten longer. They say the baby is over 3 pounds, and able to survive if it was necessary to deliver.

Her water broke over a month ago, and still there is no infection, so no worries… at least not at the moment.

She longs to go back to work. To see people. To see anything besides the 4 walls she is seeing… she loves to read but cannot concentrate to get through a book right now. She is a 90-mile round trip from here, and her husband is even farther away.

And that’s why I have a standing Monday night Pizza date with my friend and coworker, Shelly. Tonight I took her for a wheelchair ride in the courtyard. It was unseasonably warm here today, topping out at 75 degrees.

Shelly used to hate the sounds of traffic and of birds, but today she loved them. “Anything that’s different is good,” she said. She took me to the Hospital nursery and we looked at tiny babies in incubators and swaddled up like the little bundles of joy that they are.

And since I left the Hospital with my dear friend laying there?

I can’t stop crying. Not “end of the world” crying… more like “what would I give to be in her situation.”

The answer?

Just about anything.

And this song keeps running through my mind, over and over.

Will Not Ruin Me

Infertility Struggles Will Not Ruin Me

Because I won’t let them! My head is above water, but not by much. It’s not even the Holidays and I am nearing the end of my rope. I have no patience. I have outgrown all of my clothes except a few exceptionally huge pieces, which are also stretchy.

When I said a while back that I wanted to be hugely fat, I meant pregnant, not just hugely fat.

Particularly Moving

This post is particularly moving, and I just wanted to share:

http://writer-mom.blogspot.com/2007/10/faces.html

It’s from a blog I found last week, that I really like.