I Don’t Know What

I have been away for a long time, from my blog, from my thoughts. I am afraid that I have purposefully distanced myself from knowing my own heart, for fear that I would run back to things and a life much more familiar.

I went to the doctor this morning, having had much abdominal pain. Before I write another sentence, let me assure each one of you reading that going to WebMD is not the right thing to do when you’re worried. I clicked on my symptoms and it came up with “pancreatic cancer,” “liver cancer,” and “ovarian canccer.” I know it’s silly to think that these issues I have been having are related to deadly cancer, but I wanted to go to the doc just to rule things out.

His diagnosis is lactose intolernace, btw. But he had a blood work-up done, checking my liver and pancreatic enzyme levels, as well as thyroid. In all his questioning, he asked, “Do you feel pregnant?”

Why did that question make me feel like I was socked in the gut?

As I shrugged my shoulders, I mumbled, “How would I know?” He seemed to understand, and now all I can do is cry over it.

I KNOW God’s promise to Rob and me. I know what He showed Rob. Look back a few posts and you’ll see a pic of me with “my little kids.” I know in my head that the Lord hasn’t forgotten us, but my empty arms and aching heart have a mind of their own sometimes. I know that families come in many shapes and forms. I remember a former blog friend, Steve, used to scrutinize my thinking and remind me that perhaps God never meant Rob and me to have our own bio-child, but adopted or foster child instead. So all the little ones in my life, be they children of friends, or children who go to our church, or cousins… I know they are all gifts of God to Rob and me.

And yet sometimes even those gifts make my heart sting a little.

Another question the doctor asked was “are you depressed?” I thought for a minute and said that I guessed I was a little. With a foster son turning 18 today and moving out at some future, yet-undetermined date; a niece of 18 who’s beaten up a girl who slept with her boyfriend (the girl is a minor) and the police are looking for the beloved niece, and also the niece isn’t all that upset with they boyfriend, and also the niece is homeless; having moved to the Big City (even the doc raised his eyebrows at this point) from 36 years of living in the country; now commuting 30 minutes to work and 30 minutes home; my parents being gone all summer to see my sister in Sacramento; dealing with certain individuals within the church; having Rob be gone for the next two weeks in Ohio, a 5 hour drive, and thereby making the the sole caretaker of dog, home and self; the list goes on…. so I asked the doc, wouldn’t you be a little worried if I wasn’t a little depressed?

He answered yes.

So that’s  it. I’m a bawl-baby whose digestive tract isn’t working to the top of it’s ability.

And still, God is good.

Six Baptisms Today

This is me and my girls at the Mother-Daughter Banquet

This photo was taken about 8 weeks ago at the Mother-Daughter Banquet. Danni, in the middle and Cinder, on the left in blue, were two of the six baptized today at Easton Church here in the Big City. They are sisters, along with Tosh, the girl in pink on my lap. I bring these three (plus sometimes other children) to church every single week. Sometimes I buy them or make them dinner.

Cinder is usually the over-emotional one, but today, Danni FREAKED out that their mom wasn’t there. Also, I put out fires with the kids and the substitute Sunday School teacher and some other adults and Rob’s (unfortunate) secretary. Everyone was in a tizzy and I found myself there after a fashion.

But the service was wonderful today, and Rob gave us a great message from God. And I stood with my two girls while they were being baptized. AND their mom did eventually show up.

Tutanka, Rob’s dog, age 17, won’t live much longer and that makes us very sad. As I wrote that, Tonky-dog just licked himself. And instead of crying, I’m laughing. That doggy, I will miss so much.

It Serves me right…

I was gone for so long, and it serves me right that nobody’s commented on the last post. Even though it’s the best song in FOREVER.

So I was just chatting with my young blog-friend and I told her I was hiding out from blogging right now because I am in a holding pattern in my life and I KNOW IT and I’m afraid that someone will say something to yank me back to reality.

Now I’m waiting.

• Waiting for God to show me that he’s fulfilled the promise he made to Rob and me about a family of our own (whatever that means).
• Waiting to go to work in an hour.
• Waiting to hear about niece Mindy, who went to the ER with her grandma because MINDY’s back was injured at prom.
• Waiting to become a better person and not just ignore someone because they are a HUGE pain, but alas they are members of our church and our neighbors.
• Waiting to be able to find a different job so that I don’t have a 30 minute drive each way every single day.
• Waiting for my folks to stop being silly about whether or not the come here or we go there to visit.
• Waiting for my brother to have time to EVER come and see my new house, or at least be there when I go to his.
• Waiting for someone to listen to my Francesca Battistelli song and tell me that it changed their heart like it did mine.
• Waiting for someone to slap me back into reality.

OK I’m done. Off my soapbox.

So Many Ways….

This is my new theme song… Time In Between, by Francesca Battistelli.

Clicky the link, and listen. It’s beautiful. The second verse says

Don’t take much for this crazy world
To rob me of my peace
And the enemy of my soul
Says You’re holding out on me
So I stand here lifting empty hands
For you to fill me up again

The first time I heard that song, I fell down against  the wall and cried my eyes out of my head. I kept thinking, “How does this person know that I keep feeling like I’ve been abandoned, or that God is holding out on me?”

I wonder why it is that I am having a resurgence of BABY FEVER after years of being mostly OK with it all. Niece Mindy being just days away from graduation, and having gone to Prom last weekend doesn’t help. I always, always knew that we’d have her graduated before we ever got a child of our own.

Upon reflection, I haven’t been blogging lately because I alternate between being a major downer, and being PLEASED AS PUNCH that I am in this Big City, in this neighborhood, in this church. I can’t believe I was so afraid of being here. I LOVE IT.

And yet I haven’t once gone to the store alone. Except for the day we moved. The stores are so huge here. Really, really huge. I don’t know. I guess we’re a bit spoiled because we live so close that we can go WHILE dinner’s being fixed.

I am a bit ambivalent about things. I HATED yardwork at our old home. I love this bit of postage-stamp sized lawn that Rob mows on a whim, in 20 minutes. I want to be rid of our old home. They are smokers and blehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! P. U.

So the bridge of the aforementioned song is

So many ways
Your love has saved the day
And I’m grateful for them all

It’s so true. God is my ever-single-thing. I love Him so. And without Him, I would be nothing. So on my way to work this morning, I prayed a little differently than normal. I said that I know, because He promised, that I will have a son. I don’t know how or where or when this will all happen, just that I AM POSITIVE that it will happen. BECAUSE HE SAID SO. That’s all I’ve got to go on, but He’s never lied or let me down and will not.

So when the enemy of my soul says God is holding out on me, I know that it’s a lie, and that my family will be here very soon.

New Home in My Old Hometown

So I was checking out Stormy’s (former foster daughter’s) MySpace today and it says she is moving back to the town that Rob and I just moved from a few months ago. It’s also the town WHERE I WORK.

I have a couple of problems with this, manily that Stormy is a shoplifter and I don’t want her to come into my work and anything to come up missing. So I’ve written a note to my boss outlining the situation and saying that they don’t need to worry about hurting my feelings, because I understand the issues.

*sigh*

And then Mindy is having issues still. I guess the boyfriend Tony came to the Big City to spend the weekend with Mindy and her sister. She asked if we’d let THE TWO OF THEM spend the night over here on Sunday. Rob and I both said NO, because we won’t even let my sis and her boyfriend (who are both over the age of 36) stay here “together” and “as a couple.”

Ewwwwww, anyhow! That is soooo on the list of things I do not need to know ANYTHING about. Mindy is 18 yrs old, but she is still “our girl” and this is still OUR HOME and the parsonage of our church. I believe she should join us in showing a bit of respect to the Lord, her aunt and uncle, and the church.

I am peeved, but I know that my being in this city is a good thing. I have done lots to help people in need and that part is fulfilling. I made a good friend, and she likes me!!!! And it’s nice to get together and talk. I think we’re skipping out on taking The Little Kids to lunch tomorrow and we’ll just go together with her two children.

I dunno, but it was a good day here today, with a few minor setbacks.

Love to you bloggers, both commenters and lurkers.

En Route

Rob and I (and the dogs!) spent the night at The Parsonage on Saturday. We had a marathon church day yesterday (8:30AM until 9:30 PM with only a 3 hour break in there!!!!! Oh how I love Lent…. hmm)

It was bitter cold, and my doggy refuses to do his duty. So we walked and walked and walked and walked and walked through every block in our neighborhood almost. Oh it was 18 degrees F, but the windchill was unbearable. It must have been sub-zero. At least. Because I’m STILL freezing from that last walk. My skin hurts.

Anyway, we’re moving this Saturday, upcoming. And I have no idea how it will all come together. The moving isn’t the bad part, it’s the finding homes for things. How on EARTH did I manage to put all this crap in my current house?

So… deep breaths. And also a decision to possibly  change Counties as far as fostering (since we ourselves are changing counties).

That’s all for now. I’m whipped and I need to go to work. Only 8 more days until my vacation.

No More Sackcloth

My time of mourning is done. I miss Stormy, but I am getting back to life.

Some random points of interest:

1. I found the most amazing curtains/linens store on Saturday. It’s designer products at LESS THAN Wal-Mart prices. YEAHHH! Oh, and I witnessed a bit to one of the workers.
2. Some clothes I ordered for Stormy came in the mail on Saturday. I DO NOT want to bribe her with them, but I have no use for them. Wondering should I send them back, or just forward them on to her purported new address?
3. The furniture came for The Parsonage on Saturday. I MUST take photos. Because it looks SO COOL.
4. Rob’s dog is, ok, not on the brink of death, but he’s 16 yrs old and not doing too well.
5. We’re doing too much. At least when there was a kiddo in the house, we at least tried to be here sometimes.
6. The  p.ho-to machine at work was messing up tonight and I never got any of their messages. I will have to go in tomorrow, early, and I don’t wanna.
7. I have to get back to working out. You want to know why I didn’t go in today? Because there were too many cars outside and I wanted my regular parking place. I am such a raving lunatic.

OK, you all have a good week. I hope to check in more regularly now that I am not being an angry bum anymore.

Nut.Meg

So Stormy had some friends over last night. We were glad to have them as they were polite and nobody tried to sneak out or anything. (Checked the snow outside for telltale footprints.)

This afternoon, Rob and I wanted to treat Stormy to some family time, hanging out, shopping a little at Pier 1,  grabbing a bite to eat. Whatever. She didn’t want to come, which was a bit of a surprise, but whatever.

We talked to Stormy while we were out and she seemed fine, but still a bit solemn. And when we got home…

Oh Geez!

I checked the History of IE, to find that the entire time we were gone, she was searching for things like get.ting h!g.h on household products, and then about 50 searches on how to get hi*gh on nu!tme.g, Oh and the Youtube videos of people ge/tt,in;g h-ig/h on mil.k and some sort of d-et.er*gen,t. Not really sure how that one works.

Anyhow. The spices are all safe in their cupboard, and the cleaning supplies are at their appropriate levels. So then I wonder, did she want us to jump up and down and scream and make a big deal? We didn’t, but only because (I KNOW, Noelle. THIS IS SO LAME OF ME! But she doesn’t seem to have succeeded in doing what she intended.) tomorrow is Sunday and Rob had to study and finish up stuff for Work.

Her psychiatrist said that as long as we know something is happening and we make sure not to leave things so she can get at them, then we’re doing enough, especially with a personality like hers, he says that we can push things as far as we need to, but that if we’re feeling threatened, to just leave it to the professionals.

So we sent another email tonight, followed by a phone call on Monday, to make sure Stormy is GONE this week. I am so sick of this living hell we are in.

Complete Subject Change

Oh and to top everything off, my darling cousin, Ashton. Sweet Ashton whose boys are Will and Charles. Has offered to be a surrogate to Rob and me if we want to use her.

What kind of love must someone have to offer themselves in that way?

I am still trying to process that one.

Anyway, prayers appreciated. The night’s not over yet.

J

Standing Alone

Musings

In her towel, she stands shivering, looking out the window onto the frozen, snowy landscape. “Six more weeks,” she whispers to herself, “and this will be my home no more.”

In the shower she broke down just now, asking God how can 36 years have gone by so quickly, praying for a change, for something to switch, so she may please have the desire of her heart.

Memories of Her Life

She remembers being in her front yard, age 7, and thinking that more than anything in the world, she wanted to be a mommy, to have her own children. Her twin wants to be a scientist, her brother wants to be a farmer or an engineer, but She… just wants to be a mommy.

She remembers at age 17, going into the 24-hour department store with some high school chums. They were having a night out, and went to get some supplies. Walking through the baby section, she lifted out a little baby’s dress and admired it. Her friends all nominate her the first to have children, “early and often… at least 12 of them.”  She is embarassed but agrees that she wants a whole house full.

Then at 20 when she is married. The first night of marriage, and she is hoping and praying that she will get pregnant. She knows it’s a stupid fantasy, but she can’t help the romanticism of getting pregnant on her wedding night. A friend did, so why not her?

And at age 26, the first time going to a Fertility Dr. She is beaten down completely. She doesn’t believe any longer that God is watching out for her. She doesn’t believe anything, just that she wants a baby. Her marriage is a bit rocky, but she feels like a baby would make things come back full-circle. Besides, all of her friends are on baby #2, and isn’t it about time for her?

Then at age 30, her marriage in completely in the crapper. She and her darling almost lose everything, so they scrap plans for a baby. They work on themselves. He has surgery on his jaw, twice, and then the Lord shows him a vision, that in 10 years from that date, they will have their own child, putting him on the bus for Kindergarten. He looks like them both, so they know it’s their flesh and blood.

And then at age 35 when she isn’t pregnant, she knows that the last 5 years of not worrying so much about being pregnant are a complete blessing.

Then two days after her 36th birthday, she is home alone. Hubby at the barber shop, kiddo at a guitar lesson. It’s the first time she’s had unpressured and completely alone in weeks, if not months. And she breaks down. She cries and she screams. She prays to God that this pain is rendered inert.

Heartwrenching Agony

She begs, she pleads, and then comes to her senses. She knows that God is with her. She knows that He has a plan for her that is beyond her wildest dreams and imaginations. She knows that she is in the palm of His hand and that he would never leave or forsake her.

And yet she still wonders how on earth she will get by, get through, and make this move, and continue on with this foster daughter, and be a good wife, and a good mom and a good friend, and a good aunt, and a good sister, and a good person, who shows the love of Jesus to everyone with whom she has contact.

Am I Crazy?

So I have one question for anyone who is still reading. Is she crazy?

The jury is out for the moment. But my personal opinion is that her years of building up walls around herself to shield her from unpleasantness are coming down. She’s becoming real again. And real sometimes hurts. But real is good.

And furthermore, I know that I am in the Lord’s hand. I know that He is working out His plan. And if that plan never does hold a child of my own flesh, then there must be some reason, even if from this angle it seems a bit cruel. The God I love and the God I serve is a loving father, One who wants only the best things for me.

Please Comment

There I leave you to comment. Please do. And thank you.

Ten Things I Know

Ten Things I know to be true:

1. God loves me.
2. Jesus died so I may live.
3. My sins are forgiven.
4. Rob is an amazing husband.
5. I love Rob.
6. My parents are and always have been amazing.
7. I did my best with Stormy.
8. I love Mindy more than I could ever express.
9. Stormy really is a good kid. She doesn’t choose to show that right now.
10. God will answer my prayers about us being parents to our own children.

The end.

Jayleigh Confidential

- I am not a great mom, but I get great ideas through Love and Logic Parenting for Teens and through praying, and talking with my Darling Rob.

- I am a good mom. I have my eyes open to Stormy’s antics 100% of the time, and there are times when I am waiting for the right moment, so she has enough rope to hang herself, rather than create WWIII with words.

- I am afraid, even though I know this fear is not from God. And that scares me even more than the fear itself. The move to Thrift City, the new church, my new 30-minute commute, Stormy and Rob dealing with all this, and our GREATLY decresed income.

- I am tired of being angry at Stormy, and tired of not knowing any answers to my questions. I am tired of asking for advice and then being angry when well-meaning friends spout off at me about how I am doing everything wrong. How many times did I have to say “BACK OFF,” to my own Mom yesterday, regarding Stormy?

The reality is that I know I am not really a good person. I try most of the time to do the things I should, but indide my head and my heart, I am pure, blackened evil and reproachfulness. The Filter (you know what I mean), is what makes me seem like I am happy and lighthearted and confident and nice.

But what happens when The Filter disengages? I don’t do the good that I could do, and I do everything that I said I would not do. I am the worst sinner of all. I cuss and I say the most horrible things to people. I slice and dice anyone within hailing distance with my slanderous and deceitful tongue. I am cruel and rude, and incredibly selfish.

I do have hope, though.

I can do all things through Jesus Christ, who strengthens me. I know I am not alone. I know that in Him, my hope lies.

I used to sing a song in Sunday School as a kid, to the tune of Chopsticks.

Jesus my saviour will love me forever
he’ll never forsake me no never
and always he’ll walk close beside me
and tenderly guide me
until we reach Heaven’s bright shore.

Oh won’t you come and go with me
and be God’s dear child for eternity?
He’ll save your soul
and make you whole
if you’ll only trust Him right now!

Jesus my saviour will love me forever
he’ll never forsake me no never
and always he’ll walk close beside me
and tenderly guide me
until we reach Heaven’s bright shore.

First Sunday Easton

The first Sunday at Easton was OK. Here are the highlights:

• Icy Roads and an 8:15 AM service for Rob.
• Alarm going off at the parsonage when Stormy and I got there.
• Building Trustee leaving early service to go with me to the Parsonage to make sure everything was OK.
• Stormy being angry that I didn’t drive the one block to church.
• Sunday School with 20 “Powerhouse Christians” as opposed to 4 quiet and loving 70 to 80-year olds at Middleton.
• Stormy’s Sunday School teachers let all the youth go to McDonald’s between SS and Worship. For bonding time. Without telling me that my kid had been let go.
• Coffee time for 30 mins.
• The very loudest worship service I have ever attended. Stormy tried to fall asleep and refused to go up for communion.
• People were loving and wonderful.
• Welcome Rob, Stormy and Me luncheon.
• Stormy ate one cracker and 1/2 egg salad sandwich. She said in front of tons of people, “Who made all this yucky junk anyway?”
• Youth Service, where Stormy acted angry sullen and opted out.
• Stormy was angry that we couldn’t drive the one block back to the house.
• Naps all around at the parsonage from 3-5. Praise God for that.

Pray for the drama developing in my home. Stormy is still involved in some way with Rx drugs. She stole some from our neighbors and tried to do it again. We have not confronted her because the neighbors are afraid she will go nutso over it.

My stomach is in knots.

Or maybe it hurts because I worked out so hard today!

Let’s go with that.

Jayleigh’s Ugh-ly Adventure

Where do I begin? How about we’ll do this chronologically, ok?

1. I got up at 6:15, in time to wake Stormy and get ready for work. Stormy dragged her feet, so we were 10 minutes late getting started on icy roads.
2. Work was ok until I remembered that I had to call Planned Parenthood to make an appointment for Mindy for today. Apparently, having sex since the age of 14 didn’t bother Mindy’s mom. No, it was this weekend when she stayed at her boyfriend’s house overnight, alone, that Mindy’s Mom decided to “Mom-Up” and put her foot down about birth control.
3. I called PP and made a 5:30 appointment. Even though it meant sacrificing my Monday Night Bible Study with friends. We eat and talk, you guys! It’s so much fun.
4. After work, I picked up Mindy at her mom’s house. Min was in a terrible mood and was livid when I said I wanted to stop by Bible Study instead of going right home. I told her that she could easily call the dial-a-ride bussing system to get a ride home if she didn’t like my plan. Mindy relented and apoligized for being so snotty.
5. Mindy needed help filling out the paperwork at PP, so she waved me into the building. “Besides,” Mindy said, “the receptionist is being a snot.”
6. Wouldn’t you know it, I walked in and the receptionist is a girl who went out with Rob’s high school best friend while we were in high school. She screamed over the unbelievable din, “Jayyyyyylieeeeeeegh!!!!!! How in heck are ya, girlie!?!” Meanwhile, I died.
7. I helped Mindy with her health history, and very prudently looked away when she wrote down about her sexual history, and if she did or did not do “street drugs.” There are some things Auntie Jayleigh just does not want- or need to know.
8. Mindy went to get birth control, but ended up getting an entire physical. She said afterward, “I feel so violated.” Hmmm. I was thinking there are a lot more disgusting things to do down there… like have unp.rotec.ted s** with a guy, after you got so drunk that you threw up on the side of the road and got tickets for MIP because you’re just 18 and you think you rule the world. (Hmm. Did I just rant there a bit?)
9. Instead of travelling 20 minutes in the opposite direction of home, I decided to take Mindy through a drive-through, so we could eat and then drive home on icy, nasty roads. In the dark. Have I mentioned recently how ticked I am that it’s so dark here all the time? Why can’t I go to New Zealand where it’s sunny this time o’ year?
10. At Mindy’s mom’s house, I waited while she got a huge garbage bag of clothing to take to her new home. She’s moving in with friend Elise and family. Sitting in a room with Mindy’s mom and her bf, and the bf’s son, I nearly died when the following things were said:
11. Hey Jayleigh [she leaned right into my face]. Four days! [Four days what? I am thinking.] WITHOUT DRUGS. [oooOOOooh. That. Really? Wow. Yay. Woo. Hoo.]
12. So yeah, that was my fun. I couldn’t believe this woman who has always said she didn’t do drugs, admitted it to me in front of people.
13. I also couldn’t believe that Mindy asked the bf’s son if he wanted any of the c*n.d*m.s which PP gave her, IN FRONT OF ME. And I can’t believe that he said, “They’re wayyyy too small! So thanks, but no.”
14. So I returned home around 8 PM, bone weary. We watched TV and ate ice cream.  And I’m thinking that if I go to bed right now, that I will get 1 hour more of sleep than last night.

Isn’t life so great!?!??!?!?!?????????????

Is This What I Signed Up For?

Appointments. Appointments. Appointments. Appointments.

Seriously folks, I am drowning in calendar boxes completely full. Stormy has a lawyer appointment tonight, then wants to go shopping for a Halloween Costume. Tomorrow, I rescheduled her psychologist appointment so it doesn’t conflict with my nail appointment (I mean, one MUST have priorities!) so Stormy’s phych appt is on Thursday now, mid-day.

Friday I go back to work. OK I did do something worthwhile yesterday, besides driving Stormy to school, getting a load of straw at my folks’ house, coming home, driving back to my folks’ for more straw,  driving back here, then taking my dad’s truck back and driving back here, then picking Stormy up from school and driving back here, then going to Bible Study and driving back here.

Yeah, I love my car, but yesterday I was in hate with it. I just felt trapped because EVERYWHERE I WENT required a 30 minute car-trip.

Oh the joys of motherhood. And arguing over radio stations. Blehhhhh.