Wayne’s Cell Phone

Last night was crazy and great. My little kids from church all moved to Ohio today (about two hours away) and we had a farewell party for them, followed by a teen lock-in where the kids ended up sleeping in my living room.

After a movie, I took my little kids home for the last time and cried all the way back to my house.

Tomorrow is the first day since March that I am not picking these guys up for church. How did I not realize how attached I am to them? What am I ever going to do without their innocent, beautiful, sassy, energetic, witty, gracious selves?

 

You know when I was a teenager, I had to have everything all matching. We weren’t well-to-do, so when my parents agreed to let me get some things to spruce up my room, well, the bedskirt matched the drapes, matched the comforter and blankets and sheets, etc. etc.  When I was a teenager, I would not have thought that these children who have had lice and who sometimes smell like cat pee, and have dirt under their fingernails and who live in a crummy house in a crummy neighborhood were worth getting worked up over.

 

And now that I am grown, I have put childish ways behind me. Because in the smiling faces of these ones, is where my heart lies. And they’re gone, but the Lord has done such a work in me through them, that I can’t ever go back to being the way I was  before I knew them.

 

For their party, we ate pizza and drank pop, played Clue (I won! Without cheating. Seriously.), and musical chairs (I won also. What kind of crummy adult I am to win at the kids’ games!), and then watched the movie Bolt on the big screens in the sanctuary. And then Rob took this pic of me with my kids. I shall miss them so.

 

And as I mentioned, the teens (5 of them) ended up sleeping at my house. Wayne is a… I imagine about 16-year-old… boy who annoyed the living daylights out of me last night and less so this morning. I realized this morning that he just needs attention and is desperately seeking to fit in.

 

A pet peeve of mine is people who WILL NOT stay off their cell phones for any reason. I find it incomprehensibly rude to be in a group of people when one or more won’t stop texting long enough to understand what is even being said in conversation around them. Wayne was one of these last evening and … GRRRR … let’s just say it helped along my less-than-stellar opinion of him last night.

So the kids and Rob went to the men’s breakfast this morning. I watched TV, practiced piano, etc., and notice Wayne’s cell phone on the TV stand. I was going to call Rob from it, and tell him to please drive back by and get the phone before driving Wayne home. And then I started giggling, and then I got tears in my eyes.

The cell phone has no service, as though it’s his mom’s old phone or something… and he was carrying it just to fit in.

Rob and I were talking tonight about Wayne’s phone and how it makes us somehow like him better that it was all an act.

Year of Jubilee

I am thinking of and listening to this song while I am writing this post. My God and my saviour are THE ONLY way I am getting through these hectic days.

BEHOLD HE COMES. RIDING ON THE CLOUDS. SHINING LIKE THE SUN. AT THE TRUMPET CALL. LIFT YOUR VOICE. IT’S THE YEAR OF JUBILEE. AND OUT OF ZION’S HILLS SALVATION COMES.

Do you know what it means to be in the year of jubliee? I wouldn’t, except that I once read straight through Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers and Deuteronomy. I have a Jewish friend and I wanted to understand the basis of their religion.

From Wikipedia: The year of Jubilee in both the Jewish and Christian traditions is a time of joy, the year of remission or universal pardon. In Mosaic law, each fiftieth year was to be celebrated as a jubilee year, and that at this season every household should recover its absent members, the land return to its former owners, the Hebrew slaves be set free, and debts be remitted (see Jubilee (Biblical)).

Slaves set free. The land returned to it’s former owners. Debts remitted.

The thought makes my head swirl. Can you imagine if the world really worked that way? If the captives and slaves were set free, all debt was erased. The land was returned to it’s former owners? Imagine it. The whole world full of prodigals would come HOME and be welcomed, and be forgiven.

As humans we are slaves to sin. We let other gods into our lives and lose sight of the One True and Living God, our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.

This week, my very dear friend Amelia’s husband Stan overdosed on a medication and had a very close call because of the reaction of another medication, both of which he was prescribed by the same doctor. My heart was torn out when I learned of all this.

My fervent prayer is that THIS will be the year of jubilee for Amelia and Stan. May the Lord bless and keep them through this time of coming back to Him.

Amen.

 

The Things I Would Tell You – Part 1

Hello You. How are you? You’ve been on my mind so much lately. It hasn’t been so long since seeing each other, but we couldn’t talk then. We really don’t talk about “real” things anymore, though, do we? It’s not so much that I long for the closeness we once had, because that is gone, and I just don’t really believe that men and women with as much zeal and passion in their hearts like you and I have,  should be so close once they are married to others. I do love your wife and children. The four of you help to make my life very happy.

I am actually afraid of writing this, because I know you sometimes come here and sometimes read what I have to say, though I know you don’t comment to me here or in real life. My insides threaten to burn up inside of me if I don’t get this out. So here goes…

You’ve told so many stories about your childhood. Sometimes it’s easy for me to think that it must have been nice doing this or doing that which you’ve talked about, but at other times I am horrified by what you’ve had to go through. It seems like at times a very lonely existence indeed, and a weird situation to be more grown than your parents, even as a kid.

You sometimes seem ashamed of your parents, or at least put out by them. I know the feeling. Deep down my parents are really good people, but sometimes I shake my head and wonder. There again, my mom and dad may have sheltered us a little, but yours seem really to overstep bounds much of the time.

No matter what our parents did or didn’t do, there is One who loves us  unconditionally, who is there for us always, and who will never ever let you down. I just don’t know what I would do in my life without God, who gives peace in the middle of chaos, and for Jesus, who died so that I might live. The reality of my Lord and my God is staggering to me, so much that at times I am completely blown away by the awesomeness of the Gift of Life they give. Not just peace in my heart here and now, but eternal life forevermore.

I had to say this today, because the time is drawing near that I may be called on to lay it all out on the line and tell you. I need to have an answer ready so that if you give me the green light to speak my mind, or if God does, then I will be ready to go. I can do nothing except through the awesome power of my God.

I know that you are horrified to think that Rob or I have ever done anything truly bad. You would be suprised, and saddened to know that we reveled in badness for a few years, giving ourselves over to many kinds of bad deeds, and wrong thinking. Our lives used to be so chaotic and frustrating, full of discord on every possible front.

Didn’t you notice when things changed for us? When we took God at His word and accepted Jesus into our hearts and lives FOR REAL? For the two of us, it was like a light switched on in our lives. I cannot even think of going back to the way things used to be.

I want this kind of love for you. This kind of passion. THIS PEACE.

These are the things I would tell you. If you’d let me.

I love you, Friend.

Jayleigh

This is a Call Out

 

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Place: Living Room in the Big City

Mood: Angrier at Office Word than anything, but searching and a little blue

 

Dear Father God,

Why is everything so hard sometimes?  Why does it seem like “everyone else” has an easier time in life than I do? My heart is crying out. Come and save me, please.

(Thank you for making me smile right now. Rob just belted out a song “I know that Jesus Saves” and it’s making me giggle.)

I have enjoyed spending time with you lately. Reading Your precious Word and talking with you in prayer makes me feel peace where otherwise there is very little in my life. There is so much busyness and I crave stillness and silence. I haven’t been able to sit down and write in ages and I don’t even know why.

Some things are tearing at my heart for attention, and I cannot bring myself to talking about them with Facebook Friends (who are mostly real-life friends). My whole reason for blogging was to get away from the real or perceived judgment from people in my life, and I have been concentrating on not having a breakdown and telling all my secrets lately. Here are the biggies that are driving me nuts:

-              Logan came with his other Foster Mom to get his things the other day. He is over 18 and has been staying with another family for 3 weeks and the System acted like they knew none of it, which is not at all true. We don’t know if or when we will ever see Logan again and I said goodbye in a note, because I knew I wouldn’t be here when it came time for him to leave. I guess I feel a bit guilty over that.

-              Our niece, Mindy has gotten into a situation that makes me really worry for her health and safety. Basically, her boyfriend Tony roughed her up and kicked her out of the tent they have been living in all summer long. Neither one has a job, and I know that Tony is a sometimes drug dealer. I also know that Tony does hard drugs at times. Mindy moved into my Big City after the incident, then moved in Next Door to Tony a few days later. Mindy is almost 19 years old and she knows how Rob and I feel about things, because she lived with us for so long. There’s no way she doesn’t know. So now’s time for tough love, right? Or not?  See I’d like to be all tough and say that they’re written off until I see something better out of them, but is that what You want me to do?

-              My mom and her (lack of) memory. She’s only 61.

-              Rob’s (mild) health issues. Hypothyroid.

-              My infertility, and weight and other issues. No ovulation means no pregnancies. Plus I am getting older and I’m still not in optimal condition and my feet and legs are always hurting because I am so heavy.

-              Foster Care placements (or for now, the lack thereof).

-              Not having time to do painting or clear out weed-beds or trim back the roses.

-              Piano lessons. I so love being able to play, but the lessons, though only ½ hour, still take up plenty of time with practice and a hulking piano in my living room. I feel stuck, because I don’t want this piano if I am not taking lessons. And yet I watched them move the piano into my home and I shudder to think about it being moved again, lest it’s removed with the aid of a chainsaw.

-              I love this home, but it isn’t quite home yet. I don’t know what’s lacking, but I just am not feeling it.

-              I want to scream when I look out my window  and ten feet away is the next house.

Now it’s time for me to get ready for church. My heart feels somewhat lighter now. But I know more than ever that I need You, Father God. Who else listens to my pitiful cries? Who else could I turn to? You are always there for me and I love you.

(The song was added just as I was finishing up. You do that to me all the time, God, and I LOVE IT. Thank you.)

God is So Big – I am so small

I had an epiphany this week, and I was amazed when I stopped to think about it.

So often when I pray about my infertility, I ask God for every little thing that I want. A healthy baby, healthy me, healthy Rob, living together in God’s love and harmony, and us raising our healthy, smart, perfect baby to be a Christ-follower and to move with passion for the Kingdom of God. That’s almost word-for-word what I used to pray. Doesn’t seem like there’s anything wrong, right?

But my heart was in a weird place. A cozy and convenient place, but not one that God wanted me to stay in. Because I was praying this more out of fear that a baby would be less than perfect, than just wanting our family to live for and serve our Lord. (Aren’t I always the person boo-ing those who lament over having only one child when I have been waiting nearly 17 years and still do not have any?)

I was trying to, in my own way, tie God’s hands and make Him do just what I wanted him to do, nothing more or less. I want what I want, and that’s what I want! Except that isn’t what he wants for my life. He has a plan and what I need to do is follow after Him with all my might.

The Epiphany:

I am just one person, and I cannot begin to fathom the depth of God’s love for me. Or mankind. He is with me always, he would have sent Jesus to die even if I was the only person. My Big City has a population of 114,662 people, not counting suburbs. And God loves each one of them the same as he loves me. The population of my state is 10,003,422, and God loves each one of those people the exact same as he loves me (and you!).

God is with each one of us every day, every minute. He loves us dearly, and wants to commune with us. He wants us to get rid of our sin and believe in Jesus so that He can just wrap His mighty arms around us and LOVE us. God has love and has a plan for each person, whether or not they know him, whether or not they love Him, whether or not they are or will one day be saved. His desire is for each one of us to stop leaning on our own understanding, and instead lean on Him.

I was so overwhelmed that God is so close and so caring for each of the 6.783 billion people on Earth. I am overcome that he can and DOES care for me. And God has been working on my heart lately too. The other night I awoke to that God-whisper. The one that is inaudible, but is louder than a shout. He asked my heart if I would still trust Him if I have a child and every single thing is not perfect.

At first I wanted clarification. “What do you mean by that?” And then I quickly said, “I will. Not my will, Father, but yours.” And then I FREAKED OUT for a minute. I wondered what exactly He meant and what Rob and I would end up dealing with. I was scared. But He comforted me, saying, “There will be some heartache, but all will turn out fine.”

Something significant was playing at the back of my mind. Danny. That’s it!  Kat and Dan from church. In 1993, their 14 year old son passed away. He had Cerebral Palsy, I believe. He knew only two words, and really couldn’t communicate his needs or feelings, or ANYTHING. And yet Kat and Dave loved him so dearly. Rob and I didn’t know Kat and Dan until 6 months ago, but you should see the glowing smiles on their faces when they talk about their son Danny. “Danny taught us so much about life,” and “Danny gave us so much joy in our hearts.” They never, EVER stop talking about how much they love Danny.

Then, for the first time in my 16 plus years of infertility, I gave everything over to God. Meaning that I will still love and trust him no matter if I have a miscarriage, a still birth, a baby with a severe deformation, or a 3 year old who gets sick and dies, or a teenager who drives drunk and kills someone. But those are really worst-case scenarios. And things in life have actually never turned out as badly or scarily as I think they sometimes will. It could just be that I have a kid who won’t ever behave, or who runs off in the grocery store, scaring me to pieces.

I gave up trying to “force” God’s hand to do something just because I wanted it that way. I left my sorrow and pain at the foot of the cross and walked away feeling invigorated, knowing that God is about to do something that is completely new in my life.

I am scared, but I know that He holds my hand. I am not worried, because He that created the world and who loves me dearly IS in control…..

I am thrilled that my life can show God’s glory, evem though I myself am a scum-bum.

TO GOD BE THE GLORY!!!

One Year Later…

It was one year ago last Saturday that Rob and I first laid eyes on our church here in the Big City. I can hardly believe that one year ago I was writing in my journal from my picnic table in my front yard, underneath a tree, with no houses in sight. I don’t know if I will ever get used to people being all up in each others’ business and yards. ijdk…

But it really has been a lot better than I thought it’d be. The people are mostly nice to us at the church. People mostly don’t smoke pot in their front yards, or let their flea-ridden dogs snuggle your flea-free dog. People really don’t drive crazy in the neighborhood, or steal my lawn ornaments. So it’s pretty good.

I left on Saturday morning (against dr’s orders to take better care of my bulging disk) to visit Rob in Ohio. He’s  at seminary, this being the last of two solid weeks of study. I miss him so, which is why I packed up myself and the dog and went to Ohio this weekend. It was great to see him, but I couldn’t get settled down at bedtime. We both grabbed for each other’s hand and said, “Let’s pray,” at the same time, and we both felt better afterward.

Since it’s Pastor School, they have their own little service in a common room on Sunday morning. We were told it was at 11:00 and while I didn’t really want to go, while we were praying, God laid it on my heart that Rob and I should attend. “OK God,  you’re the boss of me,” I said with a light heart.

Sunday morning comes and we awoke early. The bed there is HORRIBLE. We ate and Rob walked the dog and then we piddled around until time to go to church. We left with several minutes to spare, but we were slightly horrified that there was singing coming from the common room before we could see anyone’s faces or understand how late we were. I was shocked, because my phone is a bit fast and it said we had 6 minutes before 11:00.

Then I realized they were singing a song usually reserved for the end of the service. We walked in and greeted people and realized the service had just finished when Jerry, who’d told us the service time the night before, asked everyone to come back together and join hands with Rob and me. He told them how he’d told us the wrong time and how he wanted us to be a part of their morning worship, so please would we pray with them.

A man took charge and told Rob that he needed to get in the middle so they could lay hands on him and pray for him. I was very happy with this, because Rob is a bit out of his element not being at home. But then they asked me to join Rob in the middle of their circle. There were at least 20 gathered around us with hands on both Rob and me. For a short minute, I was thinking my knees might buckle under the weight of their hands. LOL

Do you know what they prayed about? Each and every single thing that Rob and I prayed about the night before. Can you believe it? I mean, I know I should expect cool things like that from God, but it blew me away! I was a bawlling, blubbering mess at the end, but my heart was soaring!

They prayed for our being away from each other these two weeks, and how happy they are that we younguns have found the Lord in our young age. LOL  They prayed that the Lord bless us in answering His call to minister to His people. Really the only thing they didn’t specifically mention was infertility… I think I would have died on the spot if they had!

Afterward, as a group we made blueberry pancakes and sausages, as well as coffee and OJ. DEEEElish!

And on the way back to the hotel to pack up and leave my honey, something very amazing dawned on me.

• I hadn’t wanted to go to church because I wanted to be lazy and stay in bed with Rob.
• But God told me we were to go anyway.
• The bed was horribly uncomfortable, so we were up very early and dragged our feet until it was time to go to church.
• WE HAD THE TIME WRONG, but nobody had our phone number, so we got there late.
• And the group of pastors prayed for us.

GOD ALWAYS KNEW we would be late. He told me to go to church and he knew how everything was going to happen! I am thrilled that my God knows me so well that he asked for my obedience in going to worship, and I didn’t have to sit there at all. It was like eating dessert for dinner!

Romans 13:14

I have made it no secret here on my blog that I haven’t been a REAL Christian for all that long, not yet 5  years. In that time, I have opened my eyes to the horrible life I lead before, and have done a complete turn-around. Praise God. PRAISE GOD!

I used to be so sad, though, and think about my former misdeeds and be grieved because of them. It’s taken me years to come to grips with how things happened, how I was to blame for so many things going wrong. Even worse, I kicked myself because God told me -even in the middle of my treachery – that it would be 5 years after I was completely His again before I would have the family I so desired. And still, I think it was 18 months until the BIG turn-around.

How could I have been so stupid? Why did I waste so much time when I knew what God wanted from me? How will I ever be able to forgive myself, even though I know that God has forgiven me? Not to mention, the numerous ways I mistreated Rob.

I haven’t thought about these things and bemoaned them in AGES. I don’t even remember the last time I felt guilt over them. AND I KNOW that the guilt I feel is straight from the enemy. I changed my ways, asked for forgivenes, and I was free. Except that I kept going back to the guilt.

When you’re entrenched in sinful ways in the manner that I was, there are many many things that have been said and done so that they become trigger points later, even when you’re trying to forget about them. Why can’t my mind glide to the times when we walked on the beach in Charleston with my (now deceased) Uncle Charlie? Why can’t I think about the many dates Rob took me on in the 5 years of our courtship? Why can’t I remember the day my cousin Ashton was born, or the family camping trip? Why can’t I relive the times with niece Mindy spent sitting on the dock at the lake, making up songs? WHY DOES IT ALWAYS HAVE TO BE ME IN THAT HORRIBLE PLACE OF DARKESS? Blehhhh.

But until recently I hadn’t thought about any of it.

And then yesterday, for a long moment, I was tempted beyond what I could resist. I thought about one of the people I had been associated with at the time. Then I thought it would be great to talk to that person. Then I thought I’d see if they wanted to get together sometime. “And hey!” my mind raced, “Rob is gone this week so you don’t have to even ask him!”

THAT, my friends, was the final straw for me.

I was in the basement at work, alone, when I was thinking these things. I shouted, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I will not! I won’t! And in the name of Jesus Christ, evil one you get away from me and stop your tempting!”

I was so freaked out. For the rest of yesterday I was a bit jarred that I was actually planning in my mind how to “get away with”  doing these things which were so hurtful to myself, and to Rob and to our marriage, and to our families. The number of fights that MY behavior caused… are just staggering. I am still ashamed.

Last night I decided to finish reading my latest Janette Oke book, A Bride for Donnigan. (Loved it!) And at the end, Donnigan is leading his family to the Lord. He mentioned something in Romans 12, and I looked it up. Then Rob called for our nightly chat, and I told him about my temptation yesterday. I was a bit afraid, but I know from things in the past that I have to tell him the hard and ugly truth, lest the enemy use secrets as leverage against me.

Rob told me that they talked about THAT VERY THING in seminary classes  yesterday! How awesome is that! God had given Rob special understanding about my situation before I even confessed it!  We talked for a while and Rob mentioned that his instructor said something like Stop Drop and Roll, only it was   ——–, ——- and pray. I’ll write it here later if Rob can remember.

And then this morning I was reading further in Romans and found this, which sums it up nicely:

Romans 13:14

Clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the sinful nature.

I Don’t Know What

I have been away for a long time, from my blog, from my thoughts. I am afraid that I have purposefully distanced myself from knowing my own heart, for fear that I would run back to things and a life much more familiar.

I went to the doctor this morning, having had much abdominal pain. Before I write another sentence, let me assure each one of you reading that going to WebMD is not the right thing to do when you’re worried. I clicked on my symptoms and it came up with “pancreatic cancer,” “liver cancer,” and “ovarian canccer.” I know it’s silly to think that these issues I have been having are related to deadly cancer, but I wanted to go to the doc just to rule things out.

His diagnosis is lactose intolernace, btw. But he had a blood work-up done, checking my liver and pancreatic enzyme levels, as well as thyroid. In all his questioning, he asked, “Do you feel pregnant?”

Why did that question make me feel like I was socked in the gut?

As I shrugged my shoulders, I mumbled, “How would I know?” He seemed to understand, and now all I can do is cry over it.

I KNOW God’s promise to Rob and me. I know what He showed Rob. Look back a few posts and you’ll see a pic of me with “my little kids.” I know in my head that the Lord hasn’t forgotten us, but my empty arms and aching heart have a mind of their own sometimes. I know that families come in many shapes and forms. I remember a former blog friend, Steve, used to scrutinize my thinking and remind me that perhaps God never meant Rob and me to have our own bio-child, but adopted or foster child instead. So all the little ones in my life, be they children of friends, or children who go to our church, or cousins… I know they are all gifts of God to Rob and me.

And yet sometimes even those gifts make my heart sting a little.

Another question the doctor asked was “are you depressed?” I thought for a minute and said that I guessed I was a little. With a foster son turning 18 today and moving out at some future, yet-undetermined date; a niece of 18 who’s beaten up a girl who slept with her boyfriend (the girl is a minor) and the police are looking for the beloved niece, and also the niece isn’t all that upset with they boyfriend, and also the niece is homeless; having moved to the Big City (even the doc raised his eyebrows at this point) from 36 years of living in the country; now commuting 30 minutes to work and 30 minutes home; my parents being gone all summer to see my sister in Sacramento; dealing with certain individuals within the church; having Rob be gone for the next two weeks in Ohio, a 5 hour drive, and thereby making the the sole caretaker of dog, home and self; the list goes on…. so I asked the doc, wouldn’t you be a little worried if I wasn’t a little depressed?

He answered yes.

So that’s  it. I’m a bawl-baby whose digestive tract isn’t working to the top of it’s ability.

And still, God is good.

Wondrous Love

Something happened at work the other day which I didn’t understand until much later. Now I can hardly stop smiling over it all.

Dan comes into my work all the time. He’s nearly 70, gruff, but usually in a good mood and razzes us girls at the front counter. Dan is a tall guy and fairly big, and everyone calls out “Dan Smith!” when he walks into my Work. He is well-liked.

For the longest time when he came in, I thought he didn’t like me, so I didn’t talk with him at all. Finally I realized he just likes to pick on me a little, to see me smile. So now I give as much as I take. When he came in the other day and needed my help, he said he could have had this done at Wal-Mart for half the price. I told him that they weren’t as nice as us at Wal-Mart. He said, “oh this is YOUR version of nice…” and I said, “Well, at least we’re more HELPFUL than Wal-Mart.” Just a bit of good-natured give and take.

Dan went to the back for prescriptions, and talked with some of the girls back there. He came up to me and said, “Jayleigh, you’re a born-again Christian!?” It took me a moment to understand his question. I don’t believe I have ever been asked that at my work, and frankly, I didn’t have the vaguest clue if Dan was a Christian or not so I wasn’t understanding why he was asking. I almost asked him why he wanted to know, but I didn’t care why.

In a clear voice and looking him in the eyes and smiling, I said, “Yes, Dan. I am.” Dan said, “That’s GOOD news, Jayleigh. I am happy to know that.” I told him that I, too, am happy to know it! And I went about my day until a few hours later when I was talking with co-worker Joan.

I told her of the conversation and asked if she had told Dan about my hubby being a pastor. She said that she hadn’t. I talked with some of the girls in the back and nobody said anything to Dan about me at all. So then I began to wonder, and I think I know what happened:

Dan was asking if I was saved, and I believe if I was not saved, he would have witnessed to me. I am still getting goosebumps over this, because Dan showed me the love of Jesus by asking if I knew Him. Dan took a step out in faith and made sure of my eternal destiny.

I am floored, and at the same time ashamed of myself for not doing the same things. Sure I put in my time. I do the work, I build relationships, I am supportive, and I give the glory to God alone. But rarely have I ever had the umph to be so proactive about telling others of My Jesus and His love.

I’ll have to work on that, please help me God.

Dealing with Anger

I watched the movie Juno last night. I probably shouldn’t have.

See, the premise is about a pregnant teen who decides to give up her baby to adoptive parents. The adoptive parents have a marriage in shambles. The prospective dad leaves, the mom adopts the baby and all is well–except for the part which showed how sad the prospective parents were because of a previous failed adoption.

At midnight, I was crying hard and so ANGRY about things that have happened in the last 18 months. I asked Rob, “Did we deal with it? Did we mourn? I can’t even remember, and I had pushed it out of my mind so successfully, and now when my life is finally settling down, NOW IT’S COMING BACK TO ME?!?!?” Rob reminded me that we saw the handwriting on the wall and instinctively knew before we were told that we wouldn’t be a part of the baby’s life. Rob also reminded me that our hearts were protected at the time, and that it was much harder for us to let our friends and family down, rather than mourn the… not loss, just not addition… of our family.

The last 9 months of our lives have been consumed with the possibility of coming to The Big City, the inevitability of leaving our friends at the Middleton Church, keeping the news quiet, Christmas, goodbyes, New Year’s, new church, driving TONS, Stormy’s issues, Mindy’s issues, Stormy leaving, the move to the city, settling into city life in the parsonage, driving TONS, and now fostering L, who hates us because we’re white. OK maybe HATE is a strong word. Anyway he is certainly embarrassed to be seen with us.  My point is that my life is settling down and now I am back to dealing with serious emotions that have been on the back burner for some time now.

• I cried because I was frustrated. I KNOW in my head that I shouldn’t indulge in my anger at the situation, and that I should just trust in the Father who made me and who cannot go back on His own word.
• I cried because I WANT to believe that there’s a family out there for Rob and me, and I want to believe that God will fulfill His promise, but I don’t know that I’m there yet.
• I cried because it seems so cruel to have to wait for SIXTEEN years and still not have a child.
• I cried because I am ticked off that here I’ve been counseling other infertile women and saying that somewhere around 8 years, I was better able to deal with it. That’s not really true, since I have been wayyyyy emotional about my infertility lately.
• I cried because I want to be a mommy and I am not one.
• I cried because it’s so unfair that I personally know 6 or 7 women and girls who HATE being moms and who didn’t ask to be pregnant and do the least possible to get by taking care of their families. They will often comment, ” You want kids? Here, have mine!” I am sure they don’t know that it’s like taking a knife and eviscerating me.

I know that the Lord is my Shepherd. He gives me all my needs. He restores my soul.

I know that He can only speak Truth, so when he showed/told Rob about our son, I KNOW it will happen.

I know with absolute certainty that I wouldn’t put so much of myself out there for God’s children, if I had my own children. So perhaps His children shall be my children? idk

I only know that once I stopped being angry and upset at my Lord and my God, I felt such incredibly peace in my heart. I know it’s still a long journey and not likely to come about in the way that Rob or I imagine it will. But ALL IN GOD’S TIME.

VACATION!!!!! YEAH!

Just got home last night. I wrote this yesterday.

 

The best thing I can think of about this vacation is actually more than one thing.

The food. Garrett has cooked for us nonstop since we arrived. He’s not gourmet, but man is he ever close. WOW! Melon and chocolate the first night. Eggs, ham, cheese and potato hash yesterday morning. BBQ grilled chicken for lunch with dried cherries (of which I ate way way way too many and ended up with a sick tummy for the rest of the day), grilled ENORMOUS steaks last night, with asparagus and baked potato.

The atmosphere. This is a log cabin. I LOVE IT. And it’s In the middle of the woods. Again, I LOVE IT. I have not seen another house in the time we’ve been here, and believe me, we have looked. No road noise of any sort; just birds chirping their long, low, melancholy songs, and rain on the metal roof of the barn.

Reconnecting with God. I knew when we decided to come here that it was a retreat for my soul as well as my body. Garrett had confided in me a while back that their previous pastor had taken her vacations here and spent much time alone and studying. After breakfast yesterday, for about 4 hours, I sat on the porch swing and wrote in my leather journal that my family had given me. I wrote about mundane things such as what’s going on this week in my life, and also about two recent deaths that have impacted us greatly (one because it means Rob has to do a funeral, and we’re going home a day early from this glorious retreat because of it, and the other because she was my boss at my very first job at the Bridal Shop, and also a very close family friend). I wrote of a series of books I am reading by author Jeanette Oke, which are similar to the Little House on the Prairie books, in that they are set In the same time period and they are very strongly Christian books.  I share their exact same theology, and it’s one which is welcoming and loving. I love when our Savior’s love is proclaimed so, I guess, lovingly.

Also, when I had written my heart out for a while, I sat there and listened to God’s creation. I also read Psalms and prayed for a long while. I cried and cried because Rob had read Psalm 139 to me earlier in the morning, but now it was as though the Lord was telling my heart, “Jayleigh, even though you know that I know your heart and tell me that we’ll talk later, we never do. Understand that you need to take the time away from life to tell me your heart. That is for YOU, because I do know your heart without you telling me.” He knows my lying down and my rising up. If I make my bed in Sheol, He is there. The darkness of night is as light to Him.

It was one of the most moving moments of my entire life. I sat there under blankets (it was only 50 degrees) for FOUR glorious hours, communing with God and with His creation. My final prayers were that I would be filled “for the long haul” and remember to come to Him in prayer OFTEN, and not just when I was at my wits’ end. And also, that Stormy (fc 1) will be moved by the Lord to accept His true love and His healing into her life. (She wrote an email the day we left for vacation, cussing us out for WHO KNOWS WHY, calling us both some horrid names, swearing, and misusing the Lord’s name. I choose not to respond to her in writing, but in earnest prayer.

Riding Quads. You KNOW I am not really an adrenaline seeker. I like fun stuff, but not when I feel it may put me in danger. But somehow I had taken leave of my senses yesterday. Garrett really wanted us to have a fun time and either go fishing with him (he bought us licenses, no kidding!) or ride quads. Well he and Rob rode quads in the early afternoon and he was on my case to join them. I didn’t want to because I was a bit afraid that there would be many other people on the trails (I forgot that it was Sunday night and everyone had probably already gone home) and I didn’t want to put myself in danger.

We rode for over 2 hours. Me with a sick stomach before we even set out! The guys let me take the lead after a while and I don’t remember ever having had so much fun in my life! I was able to ride the huge Polaris one that feels practically like you’re riding in a car. I pushed the speed sometimes, so that later I could tell my brother (who loves to ride quads) that I was going over 50 at one point on the road. Rob and Garrett laughed when I told them that and said that the speedometer must be malfunctioning because I had gone over 50 at points ON THE TRAIL!!!!

All in all, this was lots of fun. I stopped riding so fast last evening when a deer ran out in front of me. I was alright, just  a bit startled.

We’re heading home in a few hours. I can’t wait to be there and see my puppies. L, I can live without but we found out why he never unpacked. Because his Case worker had promised that he would be livng alone as of June 1. And we all know what the date is today, so no wonder he’s a bit mad.

Anyhoo….

Now we’re in the car. In fact, we have been in the car for about 4 hours now, and it only takes about three hours’ travel time if you go the right way.  But this is Rob and me we’re talking about and we just can’t do anything the simple way. No, we must take the scenic route, along the coast of Lake Huron. In the rain. The lake black as midnight with roaring waves. How do we know the waves were roaring? It is because we attempted to walk along the beach, yes even in the rain. J We were looking along that whole section of coastline for a place my grandparents stayed every summer when I was a child. I think the last time I went there, even for the day, I was about 8 or 9. I hadn’t even been on that road since I was 17 years old. And here I am at age 36, trying to remember the party store on the one side and the cabin on the other side. Heheheh

We stopped at A&W drive in and had burgers, rootbeers  and a KIT KAT flurry. It was sooo good. Oh great. I just looked up from that last sentence to see Rob passing by the last rest area for 30 miles. Oh well. I think I shall live.

Homing Pigeons

THE LITTLE KIDS

 had a greatexperience this morning, stemming directly from my lateness and unpreparedness. I know, it sounds a bit weird. I set my timer so that I would get up from the computer and playing on Facebook, (btw bloggers pls don’t mention MY blog on FB. Real life peeps know nothing abt my blog… thx) and get showered and dressed and walk the dogs, eat breakfast, pick up the little kids and get to church on time. Yeah my Sunday mornings are a bit hectic… but you know, such is life in the Parsonage.

I need to be out of the house by 9:15, in case I need to make two trips for the little kids (depending on whether there are 2 or 7 from this home who want to come). When I was finished getting ready, not having walked the dogs and not having eaten breakfast, it was 9:22. I have NO IDEA where the time went. So I finished my morning chores, grabbed a protein bar, and my phone and ran out the door.

Hurrying, I called the church to let Rob know that I was going to be late. I had seen Duke on the front steps of the church when I rolled by, and 30 seconds later when I called, he was inside at the public phone. Weird. I told him to let Rodney know to go ahead and start the kids service without me and that I am sorry for being late. Then I just chilled and enjoyed my drive to the crummy neighborhood. My favorite is the sign that says “No HO  Zone”, warning prostitutes that they may not stand in front of this particular dwelling. I will have to take a picture sometime. It CRACKS me up.

I picked up the kids and they were arguing and chatting about everything and nothing. I turned up my Francesca Battistelli CD so I couldn’t hear their nagging and we rocked down the street in style, thumping with our music turned loud and the windows down. The kids laugh hysterically that it’s with their pastor’s wife that they thump through the neighborhood.

We got to the church and I had the kids pile out at the door and I went to park my car, narrowly missing this man in a black suit with a HUGE cross necklace on, riding his bicycle out of the parking lot. I’ll come back to him later.

JUMP AND SHOUT

The Sunday School opening between services is SO MUCH FUN. We do this song called “Jump and Shout” and it’s a British Import from a visiting pastor this church had a few years ago. It goes something like this:

Jump and Shout and praise the Lord, you gotta Jump and Shout and Praise the Lord, you gotta Jump and Shout and Praise the Lord. Jump and Shout or you won’t be heard. Wave your hands in the air. You gotta wave your hands in the air. You gotta wave your hands in the air. You gotta make some noise or you won’t be heard. Jump and Shout to the Lord of Lords.

It’s a cute song. Later, it says something like, “get down on your knees, pat the floor on either side, clap your hands in front, behind!” And later still, it says “pat your head and slap your thighs”… just super cute and my hubby stands up front with Rodney and jumps like the kids at a Rock Concert. Sweeeet.

Afterword, Corinna, 10, came up and said, “Jayleigh, I am afraid of that bad man who was here after the last service. I am not coming back if he is ever here again.” I told her he wasn’t coming back, but at that point, I had NO IDEA what she was talking about.

PENTECOST SUNDAY

OK so I grew up in the same kind of church where Rob preaches now. Except that it’s nothing like the highly formal, mostly un-fun, and eat-your-vegetables kind of church I have gone to for my whole life. Example: They decorated the sanctuary for Pentecost. The altar was more dressed up than at Christmas, and nearly as dressed up as Easter. EV-RY-THING was draped in red silk, or had red roses on it. (I keep thinking, how great is the love the father has lavished on us, that we should be called the Children of God! 1 John 3:1 So why not lavish His altar in His house with some finer every once in a while?)

Rob gave an amazing sermon, based heavily on one of the speeches we heard at Mindy’s graduation last Thursday. The speech talked about water being at 211 degrees and just being really hot water, but if it moves up just one degree, that it boils and makes steam enough to run engines and turbines, make electricity, and all kinds of awesome things. And that even when things seem to be going nowhere fast, that a change of just one degree on our part can bring about MASSIVE changes around us.

The Choir sang this awesome song called “Come Holy Spirit” and it was sooo cool. A pretty song yes, but the lyrics blew me away. (Click the song title for lyrics.) Oh! And we all wore red. Rob had on a grey suit, but with a red tie and red liturgical stole. He was quite striking, actually.

LUNCHING WITH HOMING PIGEONS

After church was all finished, there was a short meeting about a van that this nice family wants to give the church. There isn’t enough money to pay the bills right now, but we feel absolutely led to accept this van. The insurance is on with Rob’s and my personal policy because it was a MUCH BETTER rate, and because we wanted to have control over who would drive it and watch it when it wasn’t being used. Hopefully I won’t have to make two trips for the little kids anymore!

I had 4 of the kids, ages 6-12 with me today, and I just COULD NOT send them home without having had lunch. We served a meager breakfast this morning and I had $15 in my wallet, and I just wanted to treat them to Mc D’s Dollar Menu and the playground before sending them home.

You should have seen those babies’ eyes light up when I spread a blanket out on the ground and had a “picnic” with our Mc Donald’s fare. One girl said, “Miss Jayleigh, we haven’t been out to dinner in forever.” I wanted to laugh or cry, because Mc D’s, people! That’s hardly even food! (I still like it though; you know what I mean.)

HOMING PIGEONS GOING HOME

A few weeks ago after the Mother-Daughter Banquet, I was driving the little girls home and asked one of them, “LEFT, RIGHT, or STRAIGHT?” She asked, “What????” I wanted her to tell me which way to go at the intersection. I went through each of the 4 girls about 6 times and nearly always, they told me to turn the direction closer to their home. I told them they were being Homing Pigeons and they laughed. I wasn’t certain they would get my joke.

The following week, they wanted to play “that game” but I was tired and frustrated with the day, and told them I’d do it the next week, which was today. Words just cannot express the joy in my heart right now. One of the kids asked, “Miss Jayleigh, can we play ‘Homing Pigeons’?” I began to ask what she was talking about, and then it dawned on me that they named the game that my dad always played with my sibs and me as kids. They named my game because I called them homing pigeons!

The children took turns calling out directions. When they said to turn in a way that was closer to home, I’d cry out, “Homing Pigeon!” and everyone would roar with laughter and chide the navigator for sending us in the right directon. I think everyone got about 4 turns before I took matters into my own hands. We were on a busy road then, not in my neighborhood any longer. And then a thought occurred to me to show them a different neighborhood.

BRICK HOUSES

I asked if it was OK that I took them to the neighborhood of the community college. Nobody wanted to go home yet, and out little game had taken all of 15 minutes at this point. My dad had us navigating as kids, but it was my mom who took us through leafy neighborhoods with large lawns, pretty flowers and well-kept, amazing houses from days gone by: houses that still had hitching posts and stables in their city-backyards, houses with third stories and with single candle-lights in the windows, with archways and possible with secret passages.

The children don’t get out of their own neighborhood, except when I come to get them for church. We’re about 18 blocks away. It’s a whole other world, but to the untrained eye, or the child-like one, our neighborhoods might look a lot alike. The houses are all the same. Some yards are kept up and some are not. Their neighborhood has ladies stopped  on the sidewalk at regular intervals, mine does not (thank goodness!).

When we turned down the curvy, leafy, quiet street, the children came alive. “Look at the window in the top floor of that house!” “Ohhhh BRICK! I always like brick houses!” “Look at that pretty porch! Those flowers!” The exclamations came nonstop and they’d ask me to turn left or turn right, based on the house they wanted to see a bit closer. It was an exceptionally large, nice neighborhood, and we spent maybe 5 or 10 minutes in it, driving slowly.

Those 5 or 10 minutes, multiplied by many more times that I hope to spend with these little ones, will hopefully be enough to broaden their horizons, to give them some knowledge of the world outside their neighborhood, and ultimately to give them a choice in their own future. This I pray.

I didn’t know what I’d write when I sat down today. In fact, I began on Sunday and now it’s Thursday. I wanted it to be good before I finished. This is the whole reason I am here. I have ALWAYS wanted to help people. I didn’t know how, or I had plans that didn’t line up with God’s plans. It wasn’t until I followed after His lead, giving my life over to the Lord that things lined up for me. I am by NO MEANS done with my plans. But I’m getting an idea of what God’s plans entail for me, at least for now.

I love it here in this city. It’s depressed economically, but if you look for the good, there is PLENTY to be found. It’s easy to criticize, and difficult to find the good. LOOK FOR THE GOOD! You won’t be disappointed!

Blown Completely Away

Rob wrote this to me while he was away this weekend. I was blown away and I want to be a better wife because of the same reasons.

Saturday, May 16, 2009 3:20 PM

Dearest Jay,

I am reminded, as I have been apart from you for some 77 hours, that I can be fine when I am away from you, but I cannot be great or good.

I am sorry for the times that I have been:

· Slow to respond to your requests for my attention
· Slow to respond to requests for my action or assistance
· Too tired to spend time awake and interactive with you
· Too absorbed in the work of ministry to give you the attention that you deserve
· Too absorbed with the Internet things or television programs that I like to watch or do to give you the attention that you deserve

God has called me into this work of ministry in the local church and I cannot resist that call for fear of it burning in my bones. God has put his people in my heart and I cannot stop praying for them, teaching them, ministering with them, preaching to them, or caring from them, but that calling does not nor should it supersede the covenant relationship that I have with you in our marriage. The marriage that I must remind myself that God has helped us to rebuild into something strong and beautiful after the cares and temptations of the world had made it into something dirty and immoral and broken to pieces.

I wish to reaffirm with my words and my actions, my love and my caring for you. I wish to rededicate myself to giving you food from my heart rather than the crumbs that fall from the table.

I have a strong will, a strong mind, and a strong soul, but you are my heart and my passion. I can be fine without you, but I cannot be great or good without you.

Will you continue to be my bride and my wife, my partner and my helpmate?
Will you continue to be my friend, compatriot, and cohort?
Will you continue to be my confidant and lover?

This scripture from Ephesians 5:22-30 was laid on my heart and my mind this afternoon:

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, in order to make her holy by cleansing her with the washing of water by the word, so as to present the church to himself in splendor, without a spot or a wrinkle or anything of the kind – yes, so that she may be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as they do their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hates his own body, but nourishes it and tenderly cares for it, just as Christ does for the church, because we are members of his body.

You are a member of my body, no less than my good left arm is a part of my body. I am crying real tears as I type this because I feel convicted that I have not loved, and nourished and cared for you, as I should have since we have made the transition to the Big City for service in full time ministry.

I wish to celebrate our life together in the Big City, in ministry, as pastor and laywoman, and more importantly as husband and wife, TOGETHER. Not struggling through the challenges that we face as separate rulers of our own domains, but as partners in love and in Christ.

I feel responsible, that you would not have to be so strong and so hard in your words and actions, if I nurtured, and cherished, washed and nourished your whole being and truly treated you as my own body.

In my eyes and in my heart you truly are beautiful and glorious, pure and splendid without blemish, wrinkle, or spot.

Please forgive me for my shortcomings and shortfalls as your husband.
After 16 plus years of marriage, thank you for being my lovely bride and my loving wife.

With all of the love in my heart, the cup that God fills to overflowing,
Rob

My Best Pal Joan

For the past 4 days, my best work-friend Joan has not been feeling well. Joan and I are such a pair.We finish each other’s sentences, we make inside jokes constantly, and we generally work very hard and also goof off a bunch.

Today when I got to work, Joan was lamenting her medical bills and said she felt as though she needed to see a doctor, but didn’t want to owe more money. I urged her to call her doctor, and didn’t let up until she called him. She INSISTED on staying at work until it was time to go home, even though another coworker and I practically had tantrums at her, trying to make her leave and go to the doctor’s office.

A little over an hour ago, my boss Kitty called to let me know that Joan has been admitted to the hospital with the top of her heart in arrhythmia. Joan is over 50 and going through menopause and in near-dire financial straights. But Joan is a very strong Christian, without whom I wouldn’t have come back to the Lord when I did. Joan is a very active and strong person, too. And I am so thankful that God urged her to go to the clinic.

I am thanking God for Joan’s friendship.

I am praising Him for giving us prayer as a way to become closer to him, and also to ask for and THANK HIM for the healing he is providing for my dear friend.

I am a little peeved at having to work tomorrow, but it was Joan’s shift and I am thrilled that she is getting the medical care she needs, rather than trying to be a big ol’ brute and just muscle through it all.

God, thank you for placing Joan in my life. I thank you for healing her. Your word says that you hear the prayers of the righteous. I’m not perfect, but I am trying and I love you. What else matters? In Jesus’ name, Amen.