My Little Kids

These are my sweet "little kids" who are moving all too soon.

 

 My girls are moving to Ohio. They have been saying it for months and months, but I guess I didn’t really believe it would really happen, since the date has come and gone a few times and they are still here.

I don’t even know what to say. I am sad. I worry for them. I wonder if I will ever see them again. I pray that the Lord will always guard and guide them. I’m sure there’s more on my heart, but I am too flustered and frustrated to pinpoint it at the moment.

Dear Girls,

Rob and I love you. You three have brought great joy into our hearts since we have come to this City. You girls help me to have fun in spite of my best laid plans. God sent you into my life as a gift. Now I have to do these things on my own.

Always your friend,

Jayleigh

What You Don’t Know

Joie,

You never listen to me. When you do listen, it’s carefully and so you can find a chink in my “logic” and tell me in 20 ways why I am more wrong than any person who has ever lived.

You calmly told me just now how I made you feel so badly. Well YOU took it badly. 

I love you, Joie. You are nothing other than perfection to me. I strive to be as funny, as cute, as “with it” and you accuse me FIFTY times in a single night of never standing up for you.

I utterly reject your position of the victim in tonight’s conversations. You are a strong and smart woman. I want to be your sister and your friend. But I will not be bullied into agreeing something which is not true: your assertion that I have said and done things to make you feel bad today.

I am sorry that I lost it and hung up the phone.

We’re letting the evil one win if we keep fighting.

I LOVE YOU.

Jay

This is a Call Out

 

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Place: Living Room in the Big City

Mood: Angrier at Office Word than anything, but searching and a little blue

 

Dear Father God,

Why is everything so hard sometimes?  Why does it seem like “everyone else” has an easier time in life than I do? My heart is crying out. Come and save me, please.

(Thank you for making me smile right now. Rob just belted out a song “I know that Jesus Saves” and it’s making me giggle.)

I have enjoyed spending time with you lately. Reading Your precious Word and talking with you in prayer makes me feel peace where otherwise there is very little in my life. There is so much busyness and I crave stillness and silence. I haven’t been able to sit down and write in ages and I don’t even know why.

Some things are tearing at my heart for attention, and I cannot bring myself to talking about them with Facebook Friends (who are mostly real-life friends). My whole reason for blogging was to get away from the real or perceived judgment from people in my life, and I have been concentrating on not having a breakdown and telling all my secrets lately. Here are the biggies that are driving me nuts:

-              Logan came with his other Foster Mom to get his things the other day. He is over 18 and has been staying with another family for 3 weeks and the System acted like they knew none of it, which is not at all true. We don’t know if or when we will ever see Logan again and I said goodbye in a note, because I knew I wouldn’t be here when it came time for him to leave. I guess I feel a bit guilty over that.

-              Our niece, Mindy has gotten into a situation that makes me really worry for her health and safety. Basically, her boyfriend Tony roughed her up and kicked her out of the tent they have been living in all summer long. Neither one has a job, and I know that Tony is a sometimes drug dealer. I also know that Tony does hard drugs at times. Mindy moved into my Big City after the incident, then moved in Next Door to Tony a few days later. Mindy is almost 19 years old and she knows how Rob and I feel about things, because she lived with us for so long. There’s no way she doesn’t know. So now’s time for tough love, right? Or not?  See I’d like to be all tough and say that they’re written off until I see something better out of them, but is that what You want me to do?

-              My mom and her (lack of) memory. She’s only 61.

-              Rob’s (mild) health issues. Hypothyroid.

-              My infertility, and weight and other issues. No ovulation means no pregnancies. Plus I am getting older and I’m still not in optimal condition and my feet and legs are always hurting because I am so heavy.

-              Foster Care placements (or for now, the lack thereof).

-              Not having time to do painting or clear out weed-beds or trim back the roses.

-              Piano lessons. I so love being able to play, but the lessons, though only ½ hour, still take up plenty of time with practice and a hulking piano in my living room. I feel stuck, because I don’t want this piano if I am not taking lessons. And yet I watched them move the piano into my home and I shudder to think about it being moved again, lest it’s removed with the aid of a chainsaw.

-              I love this home, but it isn’t quite home yet. I don’t know what’s lacking, but I just am not feeling it.

-              I want to scream when I look out my window  and ten feet away is the next house.

Now it’s time for me to get ready for church. My heart feels somewhat lighter now. But I know more than ever that I need You, Father God. Who else listens to my pitiful cries? Who else could I turn to? You are always there for me and I love you.

(The song was added just as I was finishing up. You do that to me all the time, God, and I LOVE IT. Thank you.)

God is So Big – I am so small

I had an epiphany this week, and I was amazed when I stopped to think about it.

So often when I pray about my infertility, I ask God for every little thing that I want. A healthy baby, healthy me, healthy Rob, living together in God’s love and harmony, and us raising our healthy, smart, perfect baby to be a Christ-follower and to move with passion for the Kingdom of God. That’s almost word-for-word what I used to pray. Doesn’t seem like there’s anything wrong, right?

But my heart was in a weird place. A cozy and convenient place, but not one that God wanted me to stay in. Because I was praying this more out of fear that a baby would be less than perfect, than just wanting our family to live for and serve our Lord. (Aren’t I always the person boo-ing those who lament over having only one child when I have been waiting nearly 17 years and still do not have any?)

I was trying to, in my own way, tie God’s hands and make Him do just what I wanted him to do, nothing more or less. I want what I want, and that’s what I want! Except that isn’t what he wants for my life. He has a plan and what I need to do is follow after Him with all my might.

The Epiphany:

I am just one person, and I cannot begin to fathom the depth of God’s love for me. Or mankind. He is with me always, he would have sent Jesus to die even if I was the only person. My Big City has a population of 114,662 people, not counting suburbs. And God loves each one of them the same as he loves me. The population of my state is 10,003,422, and God loves each one of those people the exact same as he loves me (and you!).

God is with each one of us every day, every minute. He loves us dearly, and wants to commune with us. He wants us to get rid of our sin and believe in Jesus so that He can just wrap His mighty arms around us and LOVE us. God has love and has a plan for each person, whether or not they know him, whether or not they love Him, whether or not they are or will one day be saved. His desire is for each one of us to stop leaning on our own understanding, and instead lean on Him.

I was so overwhelmed that God is so close and so caring for each of the 6.783 billion people on Earth. I am overcome that he can and DOES care for me. And God has been working on my heart lately too. The other night I awoke to that God-whisper. The one that is inaudible, but is louder than a shout. He asked my heart if I would still trust Him if I have a child and every single thing is not perfect.

At first I wanted clarification. “What do you mean by that?” And then I quickly said, “I will. Not my will, Father, but yours.” And then I FREAKED OUT for a minute. I wondered what exactly He meant and what Rob and I would end up dealing with. I was scared. But He comforted me, saying, “There will be some heartache, but all will turn out fine.”

Something significant was playing at the back of my mind. Danny. That’s it!  Kat and Dan from church. In 1993, their 14 year old son passed away. He had Cerebral Palsy, I believe. He knew only two words, and really couldn’t communicate his needs or feelings, or ANYTHING. And yet Kat and Dave loved him so dearly. Rob and I didn’t know Kat and Dan until 6 months ago, but you should see the glowing smiles on their faces when they talk about their son Danny. “Danny taught us so much about life,” and “Danny gave us so much joy in our hearts.” They never, EVER stop talking about how much they love Danny.

Then, for the first time in my 16 plus years of infertility, I gave everything over to God. Meaning that I will still love and trust him no matter if I have a miscarriage, a still birth, a baby with a severe deformation, or a 3 year old who gets sick and dies, or a teenager who drives drunk and kills someone. But those are really worst-case scenarios. And things in life have actually never turned out as badly or scarily as I think they sometimes will. It could just be that I have a kid who won’t ever behave, or who runs off in the grocery store, scaring me to pieces.

I gave up trying to “force” God’s hand to do something just because I wanted it that way. I left my sorrow and pain at the foot of the cross and walked away feeling invigorated, knowing that God is about to do something that is completely new in my life.

I am scared, but I know that He holds my hand. I am not worried, because He that created the world and who loves me dearly IS in control…..

I am thrilled that my life can show God’s glory, evem though I myself am a scum-bum.

TO GOD BE THE GLORY!!!

Dealing with Anger

I watched the movie Juno last night. I probably shouldn’t have.

See, the premise is about a pregnant teen who decides to give up her baby to adoptive parents. The adoptive parents have a marriage in shambles. The prospective dad leaves, the mom adopts the baby and all is well–except for the part which showed how sad the prospective parents were because of a previous failed adoption.

At midnight, I was crying hard and so ANGRY about things that have happened in the last 18 months. I asked Rob, “Did we deal with it? Did we mourn? I can’t even remember, and I had pushed it out of my mind so successfully, and now when my life is finally settling down, NOW IT’S COMING BACK TO ME?!?!?” Rob reminded me that we saw the handwriting on the wall and instinctively knew before we were told that we wouldn’t be a part of the baby’s life. Rob also reminded me that our hearts were protected at the time, and that it was much harder for us to let our friends and family down, rather than mourn the… not loss, just not addition… of our family.

The last 9 months of our lives have been consumed with the possibility of coming to The Big City, the inevitability of leaving our friends at the Middleton Church, keeping the news quiet, Christmas, goodbyes, New Year’s, new church, driving TONS, Stormy’s issues, Mindy’s issues, Stormy leaving, the move to the city, settling into city life in the parsonage, driving TONS, and now fostering L, who hates us because we’re white. OK maybe HATE is a strong word. Anyway he is certainly embarrassed to be seen with us.  My point is that my life is settling down and now I am back to dealing with serious emotions that have been on the back burner for some time now.

• I cried because I was frustrated. I KNOW in my head that I shouldn’t indulge in my anger at the situation, and that I should just trust in the Father who made me and who cannot go back on His own word.
• I cried because I WANT to believe that there’s a family out there for Rob and me, and I want to believe that God will fulfill His promise, but I don’t know that I’m there yet.
• I cried because it seems so cruel to have to wait for SIXTEEN years and still not have a child.
• I cried because I am ticked off that here I’ve been counseling other infertile women and saying that somewhere around 8 years, I was better able to deal with it. That’s not really true, since I have been wayyyyy emotional about my infertility lately.
• I cried because I want to be a mommy and I am not one.
• I cried because it’s so unfair that I personally know 6 or 7 women and girls who HATE being moms and who didn’t ask to be pregnant and do the least possible to get by taking care of their families. They will often comment, ” You want kids? Here, have mine!” I am sure they don’t know that it’s like taking a knife and eviscerating me.

I know that the Lord is my Shepherd. He gives me all my needs. He restores my soul.

I know that He can only speak Truth, so when he showed/told Rob about our son, I KNOW it will happen.

I know with absolute certainty that I wouldn’t put so much of myself out there for God’s children, if I had my own children. So perhaps His children shall be my children? idk

I only know that once I stopped being angry and upset at my Lord and my God, I felt such incredibly peace in my heart. I know it’s still a long journey and not likely to come about in the way that Rob or I imagine it will. But ALL IN GOD’S TIME.

It Serves me right…

I was gone for so long, and it serves me right that nobody’s commented on the last post. Even though it’s the best song in FOREVER.

So I was just chatting with my young blog-friend and I told her I was hiding out from blogging right now because I am in a holding pattern in my life and I KNOW IT and I’m afraid that someone will say something to yank me back to reality.

Now I’m waiting.

• Waiting for God to show me that he’s fulfilled the promise he made to Rob and me about a family of our own (whatever that means).
• Waiting to go to work in an hour.
• Waiting to hear about niece Mindy, who went to the ER with her grandma because MINDY’s back was injured at prom.
• Waiting to become a better person and not just ignore someone because they are a HUGE pain, but alas they are members of our church and our neighbors.
• Waiting to be able to find a different job so that I don’t have a 30 minute drive each way every single day.
• Waiting for my folks to stop being silly about whether or not the come here or we go there to visit.
• Waiting for my brother to have time to EVER come and see my new house, or at least be there when I go to his.
• Waiting for someone to listen to my Francesca Battistelli song and tell me that it changed their heart like it did mine.
• Waiting for someone to slap me back into reality.

OK I’m done. Off my soapbox.

So Many Ways….

This is my new theme song… Time In Between, by Francesca Battistelli.

Clicky the link, and listen. It’s beautiful. The second verse says

Don’t take much for this crazy world
To rob me of my peace
And the enemy of my soul
Says You’re holding out on me
So I stand here lifting empty hands
For you to fill me up again

The first time I heard that song, I fell down against  the wall and cried my eyes out of my head. I kept thinking, “How does this person know that I keep feeling like I’ve been abandoned, or that God is holding out on me?”

I wonder why it is that I am having a resurgence of BABY FEVER after years of being mostly OK with it all. Niece Mindy being just days away from graduation, and having gone to Prom last weekend doesn’t help. I always, always knew that we’d have her graduated before we ever got a child of our own.

Upon reflection, I haven’t been blogging lately because I alternate between being a major downer, and being PLEASED AS PUNCH that I am in this Big City, in this neighborhood, in this church. I can’t believe I was so afraid of being here. I LOVE IT.

And yet I haven’t once gone to the store alone. Except for the day we moved. The stores are so huge here. Really, really huge. I don’t know. I guess we’re a bit spoiled because we live so close that we can go WHILE dinner’s being fixed.

I am a bit ambivalent about things. I HATED yardwork at our old home. I love this bit of postage-stamp sized lawn that Rob mows on a whim, in 20 minutes. I want to be rid of our old home. They are smokers and blehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! P. U.

So the bridge of the aforementioned song is

So many ways
Your love has saved the day
And I’m grateful for them all

It’s so true. God is my ever-single-thing. I love Him so. And without Him, I would be nothing. So on my way to work this morning, I prayed a little differently than normal. I said that I know, because He promised, that I will have a son. I don’t know how or where or when this will all happen, just that I AM POSITIVE that it will happen. BECAUSE HE SAID SO. That’s all I’ve got to go on, but He’s never lied or let me down and will not.

So when the enemy of my soul says God is holding out on me, I know that it’s a lie, and that my family will be here very soon.

At Long Last

I have three things before I sign off and go to bed:

We have been here a week. I am not 100% positive, but I could have sworn I heard gunfire tonight. Or else a car backfiring 6 times right in a row. So prayers please!

Then, two things I knew for certain  on March 10. (I do this when I am having anxiety, write out a list of things I know for sure.)

1. Life is seldom as bad as I imagine it will be. My mind is ripe with drama and discord. As my mother-in-law recently wrote me: Life can be hard, but you and I know that God is good.
2. I really like my new kitchen. Once I began putting things away and arranging… I realize that my old house was so great because I made it that way… and my new house will be great, too!

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Out of My Home

I just finished packing 8 boxes of Stormy’s things. I feel like the worst person alive, but this had to happen. She’s out and not welcome back.

The school called and said if we thought she was High, they would not deal with her. So we called her social worker and said since the state is the guardian, then THEY should go pick her up, do a drug screen, etc.

 

So so so sad. I do love her, but not at the expense of myself and Rob.

As Rob told her social worker, we are reasonable people. We gave this our best, and right now our best is to let someone deal with her who knows what they are doing.

And so my kid’s room no longer contains a kid.

All Because of Jesus I’m Alive

On the eve of my 36th birthday, I know that I am alive in my heart and soul because of Jesus.

Check it out:

Things are a bit better tonight. Rob made contact with someone at the DHS office and they are “working” on having Stormy removed. I think it may take 2-3 weeks, but at least now we can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Thanks for being awesome, all you who have emailed me and prayed for Rob and me. I keep wondering how bad things would be if I DID NOT have you all praying for me. Praise God that you are!

Ten Things I Know

Ten Things I know to be true:

1. God loves me.
2. Jesus died so I may live.
3. My sins are forgiven.
4. Rob is an amazing husband.
5. I love Rob.
6. My parents are and always have been amazing.
7. I did my best with Stormy.
8. I love Mindy more than I could ever express.
9. Stormy really is a good kid. She doesn’t choose to show that right now.
10. God will answer my prayers about us being parents to our own children.

The end.

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You Ought to Know…

Just wanted someone to know:

1. I feel like a failure, putting in notice to get rid of Miss Stormy. I wanted to do it all right, and I couldn’t.
2. Stormy doesn’t know yet. I guess partly because I am not certain that it’s the right decision. Last week was Hell… but this week has been good.
3. I hate that all my friends-and-family were right about this Fostering Gig not being the right thing for me.
4. My coworker, Joan, told me yesterday that I have been so negative and complaining lately that she wonders if I should have taken on any of this (the move, the fostering, the hubby-job-change) and to that I say, “BOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!”

Shall I cry? Shall I play piano? Eat a piece of pie? Pray, Jayleigh? I mean, who’s your Daddy? You know who He is.

This has really got to get better. I am in such a low place and cannot see the light to find my way out.