I’m going to mention 10 blessings before I even start this post, and perhaps it (the complaining) can be avoided all together.

1. Rob is an amazing husband, and I’m so proud of him as a man, and as a teacher (preacher!).
2. My parents are mostly restored back to health. I am so blessed to have them as dear friends and mentors to me. Who’d have thought I would say that 5 years ago, even?
3. Trina and The Brain are the absolute best friends we could ever ask for. My heart is so at-home when we’re sharing a meal or an evening. We love their girls so much and are blessed beyond reason to be friends with them.
4. I like the woman I have become… even IF she isn’t a mom. I know, because God’s told me over and over, that I will be a Mom with children. But that time hasn’t arrived yet. So this ol’ “Sarah” is buckling down for a long journey… and hoping it’s really a short one.
5. It’s a blessing to have a rainy day because that means I’m not outside working, but in my clean, warm home and resting after several days-in-a-row of work.
6. I feel like a million bucks in my new summer clothes. 
7. Pookie the Cat, doesn’t have feline leukemia! She’s going to live!
8. I took amazing photos of JessieLynn’s wedding.
9. Rob and I are blessed by love of people in his congregation.
10. My potato salad rocks so hard, it will shake you from your shoes!

OK. This post isn’t pointed at any blogger or e-friend. OK?

As a rule of thumb, people have no idea how hurtful a salutation of “Happy Mother’s Day” is to someone who’s struggled with infertility for 15 years (or ANY years!). But even worse, is when the non-mom walks into church and everyone greets each other with “HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!” all around, and just stares at their shoes when she walks by.

I was thinking a moment ago that I just wanted to know why this has to be such a darn struggle for me… but you know what? I don’t want to know why! Would I even understand or begin to fathom the plans God is working out for me? Probably not.

So I’m having a little hissy fit because I WANT TO BE A MOM, and even this Fostering stuff is going SSSSLLLLLLOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW! I want to be a mom now. This very minute. And I wouldn’t even mind a visit from the angel Gabriel saying that I am pregnant with a son “who shall be named James.”

OK I don’t need a visit from an Angel. But why WHY WHY can’t it be me?

Do you know why I have baby fever this minute? It’s because in less than three weeks, some friends who live far away, are going to have their very first child. And… I … am… jealous.

There. I said it.

I’m having a bad day because I am a big jealous whiny wimp.

[butt being kicked by self]

OK I’m better. Being honest with onesself is the most difficult thing, but if you can break through the 15 layers of LYING TO YOURSELF, then it’s really helpful. I feel 100 times better now.

My friend from High School came into work yesterday with her hubby and 4 kids. We’ve been communicating via email for several months and have talked about some pretty deep things. I was so glad to see her… that this non-huggy-of-non-family-members-woman (me!) was inspired to hug my dear friend!

They were going to visit her dad, who is a nurse at a Convalescent Home. One of her kids said, “I like going to Papa’s work. We hit the jackpot… because there’s is TON of Grandmas and Grandpas who live there and want to give out hugs!”

God is amazing. One more reason, I added to my list:

He’s changed me.

In small ways, over the years, and it’s added up to big changes I’ve made, that I never thought I could or would.

1. My personality test changed.  Does that ever happen? Even 6 months ago, it hadn’t changed from when I was a teenager. So for the last 20 years it was the same, and now it’s different. I’m introverted rathre than extroverted. But I think it’s because I am around hundreds of people all day long, so I really relish alone time when I can get it. Also I have learned to trust that God and I have lots of answers for my life, and I don’t necessarily have to go asking others for their opinion on every topic.
2. I rebuked a coworker IN LOVE! This is hugely significant for me. For a woman who values fair treatment and pleasantries, the words came from my mouth so quickly and eloquently, that I KNEW they were not from me, but from God. Basically, this girl came up to me, grousing about another coworker’s comment to her. I said, “Well, I tend to give her the benefit of the doubt, since her world is turned upside down right now.” I didn’t mean to speak those words. I surely think them, but never would I have had the guts to say them, especially in such a kind and loving way.

So Jayleigh’s growing up. Who would have thought?

Mindy’s dad, CJ, is in jail this week because he drank until 10PM the night before he KNEW he had a breathalizer test the next morning. So at age 17.5, my niece is staying home alone, with no supervision for the first time in her life.

Sure there have been times when one or both parents were going to let her stay alone, but Rob and I either camped out across the road from her Dad’s apartment, or made her come and stay with us. But we haven’t ever consented to it before.

Last night, we brought her some leftovers from the party where we were. Tonight we took her Arby’s because she loves it and it was right by the grocery store. When we came in, she was wiping down the cupboards.

Me: Min… did you get in a cleaning fit or what?

Mindy: Uh… no. I just hate it that this stupid apartment is always messy. OK then. Yes, a cleaning fit.

Maybe neither of her parents have ever taught her to be proud of her accomplishments or to make something nice just for herself to enjoy. But I’m glad she learned it along the way anyhow. Because she’s growing up and I am so proud of my niece, Mindy.

UPDATED Thursday AM

Mindy called this morning at 7:15, asking for a ride to school because she missed her bus. There were 5 cigarette butts in the ashtray when last night there were none. Come ON, little girl! I hate that!

Until this morning, I had a cat who was 11 years old, named Hank. We never called him Hank, though. We called him everything else, but not usually Hank. Hanky, Hanky-Pants. Henry. Henry James. Henry James Pants. HJP.

Truly, he was the best cat I’ve ever owned. And I’m sitting here in a river of my own tears because I was too stupid and cheap to get him vaccinated for Feline Leukemia and FIV.

And worse than that, we have two other cats who probably have the virus as well. It’s incurable, like AIDS, and weakens the immune system greatly. The saddest thing to me, is that Clarence is Rob’s cat, and Pookie is Mindy’s cat. I barely have the heart to tell them that their cats have to be put down soon.

As I mentioned in yesterday’s post, Rob and I watched our wedding video yesterday. The camcorder was stationary, so I was the only one of us who could be seen throughout the entire video, until Nelson (my sister’s ex) moved the camera when it came time for the receiving line.

Something about the video made me melancholy. To the point that I hadn’t wanted to watch it, but every 4 or 5 years. But I never figured it out until yesterday…

 I looked so sad on the video. I was happy. I remember my wedding quite vividly. I remember that it was nearly an hour of me steaming in my own sweat in a long-sleeved gown and a crinoline that clung to me like a slice of cheese on a warm hot-dog. I remember feeling so nervous and hot that I thought I might pass out, and that Rob kept asking if I was going to be OK. The video shows, and I remember shaking my head and saying, “No, I’m NOT ok.” I remember letting go of Rob’s hand several times to wipe the sweat off my hands.

We went up on the altar to light our Unity Candle (then it was quite a new practice) and Rob nearly lit the altar on fire because his single candle fell on a pile of tulle. That happening made me laugh, and things lightened up afterward.

The video shows me mouthing (while some friends literally butchered a song in the background), “I love you so much, Rob.”

THAT is what I truly remember about my wedding day. The love. And it’s sad that our video only shows my nervousness and frustration at 1000 things which were going on around me that I didn’t have control over.

If there was something I know know that I wish I knew then it’s this: Stick a smile on your face and at least look like you’re having a good time. Eventually (for me anyway) I can fool myself into having a delightful, stress free time at an event, if I just make a little more effort.

A little dose of positive energy goes a very long way. And that’s something I truly wish I could make my brother-in-law, Ken understand. I guess that was the most frustrating part of our entire weekend, that Ken is always talking about how he doesn’t get a fair shake. That he works hard and it isn’t noticed. That he tries to pay all his bills and work really hard, but it doesn’t make any difference.

I am LIVING PROOF that if you look for the blessings and stop dwelling on the bad parts, that your life can’t help but improve. OK so maybe it’s taken 10 years to improve. Stick a smile on your face and ACT carefree, and you will notice that, ok the problems don’t go away overnight, but the burden seems to lessen.

And the Lesson? TRUST IN THE LORD GOD ALMIGHTY! Hang around with people, talk with people who put their trust in the Lord. Because, WHOA! I can’t do this thing on my own, and I need to be CONSTANTLY REMINDED where my hope lies.

My friend just wrote a text message which said, “I’m glad you loved through it.” And that’s exactly what I did. Even if I thought it was going to kill me, I showed Jesus’ love to my husband’s family this weekend. And I lived through it.

This was the last time Rob and I were at a wedding with our niece, JessieLynn, who was married in South Carolina last Friday…

Rob and I watched our 15-year-old wedding video when we got home from our trip today, and marvelled at our youth and ignorance. Also, we marvelled at each other’s “hotness quotient.” Hehe.

Mindy was truly my hero this weekend. She offered to help in the kitchen every time I turned around, and only snapped at Bebe (her grandma) a few times during our horribly long car trip. Also, Mindy wore the dress that I bought her (to wear IN the wedding) at the reception. Oh, yeah, because Miss JessieLynn couldn’t be troubled to have the horrendous polka-dots in her wedding. So she had Mindy looking like a tramp in a black halter-style dress. When Mindy changed, about 9 people commented on how amazing the dress was on her, and “why didn’t she wear that for the wedding?”

What Mindy wore for the wedding (back view with bra straps showing):

The bride and her daddy walking down the aisle:

A family photo from afterward, with Mindy wearing the pretty dress I bought her:

And finally, sweet 10-year-old Seamus who I made friends with… he made me a cool balloon hat:

No, the food wasn’t even begun at 9 PM the night before the wedding. No, Rob’s sister went to bed at her normal time of 9 PM because she was tired. Yes, they had always planned on “Aunt Jayleigh taking charge of the food.” And yes, poor JessieLynn stayed up until 3 AM baking her own wedding cake, which I frosted:

In all, it was a good trip, a good wedding, and I managed to be relaxed and happy a great deal of the time.

We’re leaving for home in the next 2 hours, with any luck at all.

The wedding came out just fine. We even saw the new married couple this morning because they stayed at the same hotel as Rob and me. They wanted to have breakfast with us and it was really sweet. God bless them both.

And I pray that God helps me keep my mouth closed.

Because I didn’t scream while Bebe was driving through Charlotte, even though (I swear) we were nearly killed! I didn’t shout at Bebe to KEEP QUIET when she talked over every TV program we watched last night. And I didn’t tell her to stop talking even though she talked for 600 of the 750 miles we drove together on Wednesday and Thursday.

Bebe loves the sound of her voice. Bebe talks like the first chapter of John, and I am not kidding.

“I like to see Gordon Road [stomps on the break, then the gas] because it means [stomps on the break, then the gas] that we’re [stomps on the break, then the gas] just one road away [stomps on the break, then the gas] from Daniel’s Road. [stomps on the break, then the gas]

Gordon Road is not the road we want. [stomps on the break, then the gas] But we do want to see Daniel’s Road [stomps on the break, then the gas] and that is after Gordon Road. And you can tell that Daniel’s Road is coming up quick when you [stomps on the break, then the gas] see Gordon Road because it’s after Gordon Road [stomps on the break, then the gas]. The last time I missed [stomps on the break, then the gas] Gordon Road, [stomps on the break, then the gas] I also missed Daniel’s Road.”

Bebe loves the sound of her own voice.

I, however, do not.

Keep up your prayers. At least until 8 PM on Sunday.

Much love,
Jayleigh

In less than 24 hours, Rob and I (and Mindy and Rob’s mom, Bebe) are leaving for South Carolina, and JessieLynn’s wedding.

The Machine on which I work has been horribly messing up for a few days, and I fear our leaving may be delayed if the part I need to fix doesn’t get there until the afternoon.

Many prayers, please, as Bebe and I aren’t exactly best friends, and I do mostly all I can NOT to be in the same room with her for more than an hour at a time.

And prayers that the kids getting married will call the wedding off if it’s not what they want down deep in their hearts. I have nothing against the wedding or the kids, just don’t want them making a mistake they will regret later on.

Dale became an Eagle Scout today. Rob and I went to his Eagle Court of Honor at a beautiful old church here in our Town. Together with Dale’s mentors, friends and family, we celebrated the boy who is now a man among men.

Dale and his older sister Rachel were kids in our Sunday School class in Branton, about 10 years ago. We were their teachers for 5 or 6 years, until they were too cool for ’school. We operated in a “one room schoolhouse” type of situation, so brother and sister- less than 18 months apart- never got a break from each other, even at church.

Their dad left when they were small, and mom tried to manage as best she could. They lived with Grandma and Grandpa across the street from our little church. They were sometimes dragged, and sometimes came because they wanted to, but were usually in Sunday School. Here, Rob and I took our first plunge into helping broken little hearts find their way in a great big world.

We were there when Rachel and Dale were baptized. We were there for Mom’s wedding to a really nice man who loves those kids, even when they were sometimes unlovable. We were there at Rachel’s graduation party, and the day she became a member of our Church. Those sweet kiddos mean a lot to both Rob and me, and it was one of those Circle-of-Life days for us: our babies are growing up and are out in the world, making a difference.

Here’s to Dale, a new Eagle Scout, and his grandparents, sister and mom, who pushed him along, propped him up, and kicked his behind when he needed it.