Last night was crazy and great. My little kids from church all moved to Ohio today (about two hours away) and we had a farewell party for them, followed by a teen lock-in where the kids ended up sleeping in my living room.

These are my sweet "little kids" who are moving all too soon.

 My girls are moving to Ohio. They have been saying it for months and months, but I guess I didn’t really believe it would really happen, since the date has come and gone a few times and they are still here.

I don’t even know what to say. I am sad. I worry for them. I wonder if I will ever see them again. I pray that the Lord will always guard and guide them. I’m sure there’s more on my heart, but I am too flustered and frustrated to pinpoint it at the moment.

Dear Girls,

Rob and I love you. You three have brought great joy into our hearts since we have come to this City. You girls help me to have fun in spite of my best laid plans. God sent you into my life as a gift. Now I have to do these things on my own.

Always your friend,

Jayleigh

Joie,

You never listen to me. When you do listen, it’s carefully and so you can find a chink in my “logic” and tell me in 20 ways why I am more wrong than any person who has ever lived.

You calmly told me just now how I made you feel so badly. Well YOU took it badly. 

I love you, Joie. You are nothing other than perfection to me. I strive to be as funny, as cute, as “with it” and you accuse me FIFTY times in a single night of never standing up for you.

I utterly reject your position of the victim in tonight’s conversations. You are a strong and smart woman. I want to be your sister and your friend. But I will not be bullied into agreeing something which is not true: your assertion that I have said and done things to make you feel bad today.

I am sorry that I lost it and hung up the phone.

We’re letting the evil one win if we keep fighting.

I LOVE YOU.

Jay

I am thinking of and listening to this song while I am writing this post. My God and my saviour are THE ONLY way I am getting through these hectic days.

BEHOLD HE COMES. RIDING ON THE CLOUDS. SHINING LIKE THE SUN. AT THE TRUMPET CALL. LIFT YOUR VOICE. IT’S THE YEAR OF JUBILEE. AND OUT OF ZION’S HILLS SALVATION COMES.

Do you know what it means to be in the year of jubliee? I wouldn’t, except that I once read straight through Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers and Deuteronomy. I have a Jewish friend and I wanted to understand the basis of their religion.

From Wikipedia: The year of Jubilee in both the Jewish and Christian traditions is a time of joy, the year of remission or universal pardon. In Mosaic law, each fiftieth year was to be celebrated as a jubilee year, and that at this season every household should recover its absent members, the land return to its former owners, the Hebrew slaves be set free, and debts be remitted (see Jubilee (Biblical)).

Slaves set free. The land returned to it’s former owners. Debts remitted.

The thought makes my head swirl. Can you imagine if the world really worked that way? If the captives and slaves were set free, all debt was erased. The land was returned to it’s former owners? Imagine it. The whole world full of prodigals would come HOME and be welcomed, and be forgiven.

As humans we are slaves to sin. We let other gods into our lives and lose sight of the One True and Living God, our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.

This week, my very dear friend Amelia’s husband Stan overdosed on a medication and had a very close call because of the reaction of another medication, both of which he was prescribed by the same doctor. My heart was torn out when I learned of all this.

My fervent prayer is that THIS will be the year of jubilee for Amelia and Stan. May the Lord bless and keep them through this time of coming back to Him.

Amen.

This is my current favorite song by Natasha Beddingfield. And it should be required listening for teen girls.

Hello You. How are you? You’ve been on my mind so much lately. It hasn’t been so long since seeing each other, but we couldn’t talk then. We really don’t talk about “real” things anymore, though, do we? It’s not so much that I long for the closeness we once had, because that is gone, and I just don’t really believe that men and women with as much zeal and passion in their hearts like you and I have,  should be so close once they are married to others. I do love your wife and children. The four of you help to make my life very happy.

I am actually afraid of writing this, because I know you sometimes come here and sometimes read what I have to say, though I know you don’t comment to me here or in real life. My insides threaten to burn up inside of me if I don’t get this out. So here goes…

You’ve told so many stories about your childhood. Sometimes it’s easy for me to think that it must have been nice doing this or doing that which you’ve talked about, but at other times I am horrified by what you’ve had to go through. It seems like at times a very lonely existence indeed, and a weird situation to be more grown than your parents, even as a kid.

You sometimes seem ashamed of your parents, or at least put out by them. I know the feeling. Deep down my parents are really good people, but sometimes I shake my head and wonder. There again, my mom and dad may have sheltered us a little, but yours seem really to overstep bounds much of the time.

No matter what our parents did or didn’t do, there is One who loves us  unconditionally, who is there for us always, and who will never ever let you down. I just don’t know what I would do in my life without God, who gives peace in the middle of chaos, and for Jesus, who died so that I might live. The reality of my Lord and my God is staggering to me, so much that at times I am completely blown away by the awesomeness of the Gift of Life they give. Not just peace in my heart here and now, but eternal life forevermore.

I had to say this today, because the time is drawing near that I may be called on to lay it all out on the line and tell you. I need to have an answer ready so that if you give me the green light to speak my mind, or if God does, then I will be ready to go. I can do nothing except through the awesome power of my God.

I know that you are horrified to think that Rob or I have ever done anything truly bad. You would be suprised, and saddened to know that we reveled in badness for a few years, giving ourselves over to many kinds of bad deeds, and wrong thinking. Our lives used to be so chaotic and frustrating, full of discord on every possible front.

Didn’t you notice when things changed for us? When we took God at His word and accepted Jesus into our hearts and lives FOR REAL? For the two of us, it was like a light switched on in our lives. I cannot even think of going back to the way things used to be.

I want this kind of love for you. This kind of passion. THIS PEACE.

These are the things I would tell you. If you’d let me.

I love you, Friend.

Jayleigh

I’ll add caps later, but for now, enjoy these.

The jammies were given to me by a man who took us to his cabin earlier in the summer. He’s a very nice guy and I couldn’t stay warm enough because SUMMER and who’d have thought it would be 50 up north? Sheesh! So he tosses them to me on Sunday and I fairly screamed and gave him a big hug. Now Rob wants to know why he didn’t give him some and I told him because he wouldn’t have screamed and given the man a big hug. I am sooo toasty.

We have “LOVE” blankets here in this house. The one my mom made for my new living room is the Mama Love BLanket. The one that Hazel made before we left Middleton Church is the Hazel Love blanket. And the one (not pictured) that I made Rob for Christmas a few years ago is the Jayleigh Love blanket. Blankets and snugglies symbolize love to me. I am particularly blessed.

The other pic is my little girls from church walking from my house to the church for a birthday party on Sunday, last. These girls make my heart sing and they asked repeatedly if I would allow them to come over for lunch. They wrapped the gifts while I made dinner. We all watched Chowder on TV and ate our dinner and then went to the baby’s first birthday party. Had a great time, and realized my life is full of

BIG LOVE!!!!

Our 18 year old foster son has moved on and now is the time for a new beginning.

Dear Mrs. Oke,

Bless you, bless you dear lady for sharing your fantastic works of writing with the world! I am thrilled and amazed that I found your books, and especially at this time in my life.

My name is Jayleigh. I am 36 years old, and live with my husband in the parsonage of the church where he’s been the pastor since January this year. We have been married nearly 17 years, have no children of our own, and have been foster parents to two teenagers.

I have read many of your books, but my favorite thus far were the 3rd and 4th from the Canadian West series. I see so many parallels between Elizabeth’s life and mine that it’s almost as though you were writing about me! I was afraid to move to the city, but did so in order to be with my husband. Now I love it here and cannot imagine leaving to go back to the country and it’s laid back life. We don’t have children and it’s sometimes a huge struggle, but we do fill our life with kids from the church and our foster kids.

The Lord has changed me in so many ways, or really just reminded me of the path he’s already put me on, since reading 16 of your books in the last 4 months. I am so thrilled that I can read fiction and not be assaulted with inappropriate themes. I am even more thrilled that I have used some of your character’s lines to talk about our Lord with friends and acquaintences of mine.

I know that God led me to that shelf in the library on that day when I so desperately needed someone who knows and understands what it’s like to be different than others. I really liked Josh Jones… especially his dog and great granddad and had a lovely time reading about him in May.

June, July and August were spent with the Davis clan in Love Comes Softly. I especially loved Belinda and her nieces and their relationships, bickering, and love.

This month I have literally burned through the Canadian West series, and being taken along with Elizabeth on her journey into the wild Northland. How thrilled I was when she and Wynn first kissed, and when he asked her to marry him! I was filled with glee when Elizabeth went berry-picking with the young ladies, and when Wynn gave her the pair of moccassins, and when she got Kip as a pet! Elizabeth’s garden, the excitement when Nimmie and Ian came back from being “out” and the sadness of leaving Beaver River, the horror of being “taboo” at Smoke Lake, and the fire… and how she helped save everyone, and also got the Chief to do as she asked….

It was just… simply… fantastic.

Not to mention the sorrow of Elizabeth and Wynn not being able to have a baby, and having the girl, and then Samuel taken away as they were. I was so proud (and I have been there!) of Elizabeth for not going to the Witch Doctor to become pregnant, and especially for giving back the Cheif’s young son, even when it truly WAS the thing in life she wanted so desperately.

I feel such a kinship with you, Mrs. Oke, and with your characters.

Forever Grateful,

Jayleigh, Big City, Michigan

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Place: Living Room in the Big City

Mood: Angrier at Office Word than anything, but searching and a little blue

Dear Father God,

Why is everything so hard sometimes?  Why does it seem like “everyone else” has an easier time in life than I do? My heart is crying out. Come and save me, please.

(Thank you for making me smile right now. Rob just belted out a song “I know that Jesus Saves” and it’s making me giggle.)

I have enjoyed spending time with you lately. Reading Your precious Word and talking with you in prayer makes me feel peace where otherwise there is very little in my life. There is so much busyness and I crave stillness and silence. I haven’t been able to sit down and write in ages and I don’t even know why.

Some things are tearing at my heart for attention, and I cannot bring myself to talking about them with Facebook Friends (who are mostly real-life friends). My whole reason for blogging was to get away from the real or perceived judgment from people in my life, and I have been concentrating on not having a breakdown and telling all my secrets lately. Here are the biggies that are driving me nuts:

-              Logan came with his other Foster Mom to get his things the other day. He is over 18 and has been staying with another family for 3 weeks and the System acted like they knew none of it, which is not at all true. We don’t know if or when we will ever see Logan again and I said goodbye in a note, because I knew I wouldn’t be here when it came time for him to leave. I guess I feel a bit guilty over that.

-              Our niece, Mindy has gotten into a situation that makes me really worry for her health and safety. Basically, her boyfriend Tony roughed her up and kicked her out of the tent they have been living in all summer long. Neither one has a job, and I know that Tony is a sometimes drug dealer. I also know that Tony does hard drugs at times. Mindy moved into my Big City after the incident, then moved in Next Door to Tony a few days later. Mindy is almost 19 years old and she knows how Rob and I feel about things, because she lived with us for so long. There’s no way she doesn’t know. So now’s time for tough love, right? Or not?  See I’d like to be all tough and say that they’re written off until I see something better out of them, but is that what You want me to do?

-              My mom and her (lack of) memory. She’s only 61.

-              Rob’s (mild) health issues. Hypothyroid.

-              My infertility, and weight and other issues. No ovulation means no pregnancies. Plus I am getting older and I’m still not in optimal condition and my feet and legs are always hurting because I am so heavy.

-              Foster Care placements (or for now, the lack thereof).

-              Not having time to do painting or clear out weed-beds or trim back the roses.

-              Piano lessons. I so love being able to play, but the lessons, though only ½ hour, still take up plenty of time with practice and a hulking piano in my living room. I feel stuck, because I don’t want this piano if I am not taking lessons. And yet I watched them move the piano into my home and I shudder to think about it being moved again, lest it’s removed with the aid of a chainsaw.

-              I love this home, but it isn’t quite home yet. I don’t know what’s lacking, but I just am not feeling it.

-              I want to scream when I look out my window  and ten feet away is the next house.

Now it’s time for me to get ready for church. My heart feels somewhat lighter now. But I know more than ever that I need You, Father God. Who else listens to my pitiful cries? Who else could I turn to? You are always there for me and I love you.

(The song was added just as I was finishing up. You do that to me all the time, God, and I LOVE IT. Thank you.)