My dad’s cousin died last week at age 54 of a massive heart attack. While I was not particularly close with George, I know he was a good man, and most everyone’s favorite. He was a character and will be missed by many.

Something about his funeral, though, has stuck with me and I don’t know if I will ever be able to forget the love and grace from God I saw in the grieving family that day.

The pastor gave a short welcome  and then announced this Vince Gill song. Click if you want to listen while reading the rest of the post.

My family and I sat in overflow seating to the side and front of the chapel. It gave me a unique bird’s-eye view of the entire family of the bereaved, as well as the former pastor and the present pastor of the bereaved. At first I felt it was totally wrong, but then realized since I was three rows back, that none of them even registered I was there, let alone knew I was staring at them.

What I saw was love.

The teenage sisters, whose favorite uncle died… were sitting there next to each other, their petty bickering about wearing her sweater or borrowing her lipstick were put aside, and they sat holding hands with fingers intertwined. They so reminded me of my sister and me that I was weeping over the girls and their love for uncle and each other.

I saw the middle-schooler boy, brother to the girls, who let tears flow unchecked down his cheeks. His hero lay in the coffin just feet from where he sat. He clung to his dad, who was sad for the loss of his brother, but remained strong for his family.

The girlfriend of 3 years and her children and grandkids we were, with stricken looks on their faces. Before the funeral, she told me that she was just glad she’d had so many good times with George. And then she began to weep. So I stepped across the “no fly zone” in the middle of the big circle of people talking, and I held her and said again how sorry I was. Her chest heaved and she shook while hugging me back. She wept and wept, and finally we stepped back and begain talking with others.

The man sitting in front of me wept openly during the funeral. He was good friends with George, and could not accept that he has passed on from this life. He probably worked construction, and for all his callouses and toughness, could not stop the pink from rising up his neck, or the tears from flowing unbidden from his eyes.

George’s current pastor seemed cool in only the way a true man of God can when he’s in the middle of performing a funeral. He was at peace, though sad, and determinedly working.

The former paster, a man whom I have rarely-if-ever seen show any sort of emotion, looked as though someone had slapped him across the face. He looked so sad, and I gained a new respect for him.

All of this adds up to me being a peeping Jayleigh, I know. I couldn’t help it, though, and the situation gave me so much more hope than I had gone into it with.

I know one thing, and that’s this: GOD IS GOOD. ALL THE TIME!

 I want to bring it to the forefront today, because I have been taking such hits at work lately and have been in such a state of confusion, that I know I cannot retaliate evil for evil. I know I mus

The second piece is Romans 12.

OTHERS MAY: YOU CANNOT -by G. D. Watson (1845-1924).

Others may boast of themselves, of their work, of their successes, of their writings, but the Holy Spirit will not allow you to do any such thing, and if you begin it, He will lead you into some deep mortification that will make you despise yourself and all your good works. Others may be allowed to succeed in making money, or may have a legacy left to them, but it is likely God will keep you poor, because He wants you to have something far better than gold, namely, a helpless dependence upon Him, that He may have the privilege of supplying your needs day by day out of an unseen treasury.

The Lord may let others be honored and put forward, and keep you hidden in obscurity, because He wants to produce some choice fragrant fruit for His coming glory, which can only be produced in the shade.  He may let others be great, but keep you small.  He may let others do a work for Him and get the credit for it, but He will make you work and toil on without knowing how much you are doing; and then to make your work still more precious He may let others get credit for the work which you have done,  and thus make YOUR REWARD TEN TIMES GREATER WHEN JESUS COMES.

The Holy Spirit will put a strict watch over you, with a jealous love, and will rebuke you for little words and feelings or for wasting your time, which other Christians never feel distressed over. So make up your mind that God is an Infinitely Sovereign Being, and has a right to do as He pleases with His own.  He may not explain to you a thousand things which puzzle your reason in His dealings with you, but if you absolutely sell yourself to be His love slave, He will wrap you up in Jealous Love, and bestow upon you many blessings which come only to those who are in the inner circle.

Settle it forever, then that you are to DEAL DIRECTLY WITH THE HOLY SPIRIT, and that He is to have the privilege of tying your tongue, or chaining your hand, or closing your eyes, in ways that He does not seem to use with others.  Now, when you are so possessed with the living God that you are, in your secret heart, pleased and delighted over this PECULIAR, PERSONAL, PRIVATE, JEALOUS GUARDIANSHIP AND MANAGEMENT OF THE HOLY SPIRIT OVER YOUR LIFE, then you will have found the vestibule of Heaven.

If God has called you to be really like Jesus He will draw you into a life of crucifixion and humility, and put upon you such demands of obedience, that you will not be able to follow other people, or measure yourself by other Christians, and in many ways He will seem to let other people do things which He will not let you do.

Other Christians and ministers who seem very religious and useful, may push themselves, pull wires, and work schemes to carry out their plans, but you cannot do it, and if you attempt it, you will meet with such failure and rebuke from the Lord as to make you sorely penitent. 

Romans 12

Living Sacrifices

 ¹Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. ²Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

 ³For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. ⁴Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, ⁵so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. ⁶We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man’s gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. ⁷If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; ⁸if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully.

Love

 ⁹Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. ¹⁰Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. ¹¹Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. ¹²Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. ¹³Share with God’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

 ¹⁴Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. ¹⁵Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. ¹⁶Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.

 ¹⁷Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. ¹⁸If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. ¹⁹Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. ²⁰On the contrary:
   ”If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
      if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
   In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” ²¹Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

The deal is this: in our church, if Rob and I had visitors, the people would practically bowl them over with love. They’d shake hands and talk to our visitors, they’d make sure they had coffee and cookies, and had signed the guest book. Rob and I would have a hard time leaving, because people would be trying to chat up our visitors. That is how our people operate.

In the church we visited today, our friend introduced us around while her pastor-husband got ready for worship. Nobody asked who we were. She introduced us to people as “our friends: pastor and wife from The Big City” and introduced a few people to us. I tried making conversation with a few of the people, but they all looked away.

The one fellow who would talk with us, did not talk especially nicely about the pastor. It was such a weird weird vibe and after having experienced that today, my heart hurts for my dear friends. Can they REALLY not know where the problem lies? Can they really be so ill-received?

There was one couple in particular who avoided our friends LIKE THE PLAGUE, and us as well. I stepped into her path, on purpose, knowing she was an instigator in the bad situation going on. She got a smirk on her face and said to her grandson, “Get over here, You!” and walked RIGHT OUT THE DOOR.

I am certianly not saying that I am some sort of put-back-together-er… or even more than just a decent human being who LOVES HER LORD. But sheesh! In our church, I am so well received. I can talk and DO talk with anyone and everyone. If someone seems left out, I will bring them into a conversation, give them a hug, or do whatever my Lord asks me to… in my church I am not persecuted (much!) and if I am, I take the bull by the horns and talk to the person who is upsetting me.

I just don’t get it.

Meanwhile, http://www.ccli.com/worshipresources/SongStories.cfm?itemID=7 and this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GoNeeHbM7Og

Heavy worries and frustrations weighing on me like a ton of bricks.

This was a waking dream, kind of like my dream/vision many years ago called A Tale of  Two Jayleighs. The previous song, “Lay ‘em Down” by Need to Breathe was playing on and on in my dream.

I was walking with Jesus (it was so cool!) on a grassy hill. We were walking and talking about whatever, and I guess I was thinking about my bricks. You know, those bricks that weigh down your heart and make you feel like you have the weight  of the world on your shoulders? Those are same bricks which can interfere with my relationship with God, the ones I give up but somehow always find a way to steal back.

Two weeks ago when I had a “Heavy Revvy”  about the bricks, I was calling it a “backpack of bricks,” but when I was walking with Jesus, it was more like a pallet of them. It reminded me of the way sometimes in video games, what you are working with is right there, floating along beside you, and there is no human way possible for you to ever ACTUALLY carry it, but it hovers there. The bricks were like that, floating along, annoyingly beside me while Jesus and I talked.

He glanced at the bricks and asked if I wanted to be rid of them yet. I said, “Yes! Please take them.” He told me that I had to give them to Him. So I tried to direct the bricks to Him, but it didn’t work. They came floating back to me. I tried again and failed. Then suddenly the path we were walking on came to an end. We were standing on the edge of a deep, slow-moving river. We wanted to go to the other side, but I couldn’t get rid of the bricks, because no matter how hard I tried to give them up, they all kept coming back to me.

Finally, Jesus took the pallet of bricks from me. They were not floating by Him; He was holding them, like I’d carry a tall stack of books. Next to Him, there was framework for a bridge crossing the river that I hadn’t seen before, and He looked at the bricks, and at me and said, “Lay ‘em down.” I could see me kneeling beside Him, and I looked up and held out my hands for a brick. These were paving stones, like for a courtyard, and were thick, and weighed 10 pounds or more apiece.

Other bricks included things about my past, thinking ill of my boss, wanting babies, etc.

As I looked at the first brick, held it in my hands, I thought about a particular fight I’d had last fall with my sister. I said things that I knew were wrong. We got over the fight, and I asked forgiveness. I’d even say we’re better than we were before… but I still had lingering guilt over things that I said to purposefully hurt her. On the first brick, I imagined “fighting with my sister” to be imprinted on it, and I placed it on the framework.

I took each brick and imagined past misdeeds, frustrations, worries, petty upsets on them, and placed them face-down on the framework to the bridge. I worked as long and hard as I could, letting each brick pass from my hands to be mortared in place on the bridge build by Jesus.

Finally I stood back and Jesus took over.  He worked and built a beautiful bridge with arches and multiple levels. He took something awful and old and crummy and made something so beautiful and useful and helpful to me out of all my old junk. And best of all, he made me take part in physically sticking down my worries and anger and CRUD down so I couldn’t get them back again.

My heart was so light when I woke up. My Jesus loves me so!

It was actually a bit smaller than this, but it was this pretty.

Her abuser died of cancer this week. She went to his funeral because nobody who is still living apparently knows about the abuse. They all told her to “get over it,” and, “stop being angry because your mom divorced him when you were a child.”

I talked with her on the phone last night, and I said,  “From someone who has had WAY too many psychology courses, I need to tell you something: just because he is dead, doesn’t mean this is over in your mind. I know you have been through therapy before, and have told the doc that you wouldn’t talk about your sexual abuse. I am telling you now that when it comes up, you WILL need professional help to deal with everything. I love you and I don’t want you to feel badly when you need someone else’s help in sorting things out.”

When at the funeral home visitation last night, she said she looked at him in the casket and had flashbacks of being seven years old and her mom was in the hospital with a bad infection and he was alone with her at home for a few weeks. She was so young and didn’t understand it was very bad until later, and then she was completely mortified… and she still is, so very many years later.

She had a panic attack at the funeral home yesterday. She covered it up of course, just the way I have done when I needed to save face in front of people. But it happened, and I am worried that it will keep happening if she doesn’t sort out her feelings and the fact that he never apologized.

She told me that during the funeral, all she could think about was that she had been the “sacrificial lamb” of sorts, and that apparently he had done many awesome and wonderful things for people and for his community. She is confused, though. She wanted to see him about a week ago, but didn’t. I felt it was better actually that she didn’t, because it would be hard for her to confront a very sick, very old man on the brink of death… what if he didn’t even remember… what if he wasn’t sorry… and other things.

Please pray for this dear woman. Lift her up to the Father for guidance and healing. She wants to let this go, but somehow, as I was saying a few days back, when the pain is familiar, it’s hard to let go.

But she’s so dear to me, and this pain has gone on for 55 years. I pray mightily that she will be delivered THIS YEAR. In the name of Jesus, Amen.

1. I awoke this morning thinking about the fact that we don’t have children. I have been very sad about this lately, and I just want to be finished with the sadness. I was mulling things over in my head, and when I went to explain my great sadness to Rob, I began crying very hard. The Lord spoke to my heart, saying, “Give up your hopes and dreams, your fears and doubts and keep your eyes on Me.”

So all day today I have focused on making sure not to take the burdens back that I gave up. Rob and I both agree that after 17 years of dealing with infertility, we know what it’s like to carry the burden around with us. It is familiar, and we’re “the people who can’t have kids.” While that isn’t “ok” with us, it’s how we have apparently labeled ourselves,  so when that label is taken away, I am not sure how to act, what to think or do, how to breathe or exist. It’s unfamiliar territory, but a place that my Jesus wants me to walk away from. “Don’t hold onto the hurt,” he says.

My heart hurts, but I liken it to the thought of removing the dagger, and time will heal the wound.

2. Rob and I were at a pizza joint having lunch this afternoon and he was talking about his sermon for tomorrow. He said that one of the scriptures he was using was the Wedding at Cana, where Jesus turned water into wine. I asked why that was so important, because it was “just” turning water into wine, for pete’s sake.

Rob recounted the story to me, about Mary coming to Jesus in dismay, because they were at a wedding reception and the wine had run out. “So what?” I taunted. He went on, talking about those times, and that it was important not to run out of wine at a wedding reception. Jesus said that it wasn’t yet his time, but Mary told the servants to do as Jesus asked. They obeyed when he asked them to take the water jugs and fill them to the top, draw some out, and take it to the master of the banquet.

The master of the banquet didn’t know where the wine had come from, and said to the bridegroom, “People usually bring out the choicest wine first, then when everyone has had their fill, they bring out the cheap wine. You have saved the best for last.” 

Again I said to Rob, “So?” And he said, “So the bridegroom gave his very best, and what Jesus gave made the groom’s best look like the cheap stuff.”

I was a bit grouchy still and said,  “So what does that mean?” perhaps a bit snottier than I meant to… and then came Heavy Revvy #2 of the day. I said quickly, “OOh I know what it means! It means that…..”

[profuse crying in the middle of the restaurant, thankfully we were the only customers]

I realized that I can do everything to the best of my power and ability, and when I have come to the end of myself and give it up to God, what HE does and what HE brings is way more awesome than I could think, imagine, do, buy, etc. and is “the choicest” .

It was amazing… and I think it all began when, for the past 48 hours, I have been listening to this song by Kari Jobe:

The Lord is my Shepherd. He guides and guards me. I shall not be in want, because he will take care of all my needs. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. When life is crazy and nothing makes sense, even then He will restore my soul. He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.

Even though I am walking in the shadow of death (infertility, busy-ness, feeling trapped in my job) I shall fear no evil, for You (the Lord) are with me. As my shepherd, Your rod and staff they comfort me and guide me always. You prepare a banquet table of blessings before me even in the presence of my enemies, You annoint my head with oil to make me shine and look my best; my  cup overflows endlessly and I will never thirst again.

Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life and I will live in Your house, the House of the Lord, forever.

Amen

I was watching Prince of Egypt last Sunday with my Sunday School kiddos when this part of the movie came up. The line of the song that made me cry is this: There can be miracles/ if you believe/ though hope is frail, it’s hard to kill.

Infertility, folks. What a wicked, mind-trippy thing. I believe with my heart that God’s promise to us for a family will come true. And yet 17 years of dealing with this makes me… well a bit bitter. I am trying not to be, but it makes me crazy and angry and bitter and if I don’t let it out, it makes me feel like I am going nuts.

I will be 37 in about 20 more days. I love being this age, because it feels like I have things together and it’s great being a grown woman. It’s great being friends with my mom (!) and my sister (!). It’s great knowing that I don’t have to talk badly about others to feel better about myself. I love that I can play piano, and that I can quit my lessons (as I did yesterday) when I feel so overwhelmed with things that I don’t know where to carve out time.

God help me because I am thinking I got the stomach flu that’s going through our neighborhood. God heal my heart and mind in Christ Jesus. I don’t want to be bitter. I just want babies, and lots of them. I want to do your will and be your child. And I want to stop using foul language. And lose weight.

That’s what I pray I will accomplish this year.

I haven’t blogged much at all since we moved here to The City, mainly because my friends here are quite computer literate and I am not comfortable writing stories about them that they may somehow stumble across.

Our friends, Trina and The Brain and daughters are coming over shortly. We are exchanging gifts and hopefully getting some quality time playing Lego Star Wars for Wii. lolz. This coming from the former video game HATER, moi.

In other news, my sister Dotty (aka Joie de vivre) has picked out an engagement ring at the behest of her boyfriend. He took her to Tiffany & Co. in San Francisco. She was horrified if I asked if they walked in and asked for the cheapest thing they had. lolz. Since his family is from Barbados, they are planning the wedding for there. I cannot wait. Yeahhhhh.

And that’s about it.

Happy 2010 everyone.

And apparently, like most people, I am saying twenty-ten and not two-thousand-ten. I wish I were saying two-thousand-ten, but alas I cannot force myself.

Adieu and adieu.

Jayleigh

Dear Cherie and family,

No words can adequately describe our sadness over the loss of your husband and dad, Kegan.

What an amazing mentor and teacher! There was no truer friend than Kegan. He lived his faith every single day, and was an example for the rest of us to live by.

Kegan’s love for you, his family was evident. He always has a funny or sweet story to tell about one or the other of you. His eyes lit up at the mention of his grandsons, and he was so proud of each of your accomplishments.

One of my favorite memories of Kegan was when I was a kid and my family were the greeters at church. I shook Kegan’s hand and he didn’t stop shaking mine for several moments. For a minute, I was concerned, but then he laughed and smiled and I thought how cool it was that an adult would take the time to joke around like that.

Kegan always had a kind and encouraging word for everyone. We will miss those words and his genuine smile, his honesty and passion about large and small things in life. But most especially, we will miss the joking and laughter that Kegan brought to our lives.

Kegan is one-of-a-kind and we shall miss him dearly. Our hearts go out to you in sympathy during this time of your fresh grief.

In Christian Love,

Rob and Jayleigh

I don’t remember mentioning it in my last posting, but Rob has been asked to give the eulogy.  He’s having a hard time paring it down to only 3 or 4 stories, because he’s known Kegan for 20 years and I have known him my entire life. There are a lifetime of good times and strife, trials, and victories that Kegan shared in. The saddest part for me is that his family has to deal with his death at Christmastime. My prayers are with them.